I had a very dear friend who would have been 41 today. He was still in his 20's when I first met him and a few years later he was diagnosed with a form of muscular dystrophy. Most of you will have never met him or know anything about him that would differentiate him from anyone else in the world.....and really, nothing that I write could possibly convey how very special Scott was. I'm writing this for me...because unfortunately, I never did have the opportunity to express these thoughts to him......no, that's not correct. I DID have opportunity (lots of opportunities) but as happens in life, I never took full advantage of them.
Scott was the younger sibling that I never had....small in stature but NOTHING about Scott was small. He dreamed big...he had passion for a number of things...he followed his heart even when everyone around him was skeptical...he loved big...really big. He was the exception to the rule that men and women can't be close, platonic friends. We discussed all sorts of intimate personal tidbits but it never was uncomfortable.....well.......maybe for Scott at times, but if it was he never showed it.
I could go on and on about my memories of him but the one really profound impact that he left on me is to embrace who you are....all of your idiosyncrasies...your good, your bad...your flaws, your charms...even your conditions that can, at times, make others uncomfortable. There are certain things that you just don't have the power to change....he had muscular dystrophy....I have bipolar disorder....we both learned to adapt to our situations (he with much more grace than I)....and I learned from Scott to not be ashamed of who I am. Most people will accept you for who you are and not what you have...and the rest.......well really...it's just too bad for them that they will never know just what they're missing.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Day Fifty Five - Is It Really Greener or Just a Different Shade of Green?
A while back I got involved with a fellow who most of my friends were a bit surprised to see me with. He was a relatively conservative person (in appearance and philosophy) and a bit reserved.....kind of your stereotypical nerdy guy. I, on the other hand, am none of the above (definitely geeky but not smart enough to be nerdy), hence the general surprise. We got along well and things seemed to be flowing smoothly.......until one day he dumped me. At the time he chalked it up to "not being ready for a serious relationship".
Then about 6-7 months down the road I received a voicemail from him wanting to get together. After breaking up, we really had no contact whatsoever so this was yet another surprise but I figured that perhaps with the passage of time, he might be hoping that we could now be platonic friends. Wrong conclusion. Turns out that he apparently had a change of heart....but not for the reasons that you might be thinking.
Basically he said that he had never really dated much and when we got involved a lot of his friends were surprised when they met me. So that got him thinking that since I was interested in him....who else might be interested in him? Suddenly he felt like his door to the world of women had been flung wide open and there were all these potential possibilities awaiting him. So he dumped me.
I do have to give him credit for disclosing that rather unsavory explanation to me.....it didn't really paint a lovely portrait of himself and it also didn't in any way get me to go out with him again but still it was a nice gesture. It did also lead me to mull over that particular concept because it does seem like the grass is always greener over there to some people. Why is that? Instead of feeling like the luckiest person on the planet, why do some people only think that perhaps they could be even luckier with someone else?
I recently read an article about whether or not men know when they are in love. The majority of respondents fell into the category of "Yes.....but usually only when under threat of break-up or after the actual break-up". In the same sort of ambivalent vein.....in the last few weeks I've received messages from three fellows who I dated at one time (why do things happen in threes?). I haven't seen any of the three in many months....perhaps over a year. Two were "I miss you....can I see you?" messages and the third remains a mystery. I know what you're thinking. Booty call attempt. Yeah, that's what I was thinking too and really now....are they thinking:
1. Oh yeah....I was THAT great that she'll definitely want to hook up with me again.
2. I'm THAT desperate....let me go down my entire phone list and see who says yes.
3. She DID have a bad memory.
This all makes me think of that Groucho Marx quote of not wanting to belong to a club that would accept me for a member. Is that what it is? If someone wants to buy my car for $1000 then maybe someone else will give me $1500? I think it might be a sign that I was never very good at driving in reverse.
Then about 6-7 months down the road I received a voicemail from him wanting to get together. After breaking up, we really had no contact whatsoever so this was yet another surprise but I figured that perhaps with the passage of time, he might be hoping that we could now be platonic friends. Wrong conclusion. Turns out that he apparently had a change of heart....but not for the reasons that you might be thinking.
Basically he said that he had never really dated much and when we got involved a lot of his friends were surprised when they met me. So that got him thinking that since I was interested in him....who else might be interested in him? Suddenly he felt like his door to the world of women had been flung wide open and there were all these potential possibilities awaiting him. So he dumped me.
I do have to give him credit for disclosing that rather unsavory explanation to me.....it didn't really paint a lovely portrait of himself and it also didn't in any way get me to go out with him again but still it was a nice gesture. It did also lead me to mull over that particular concept because it does seem like the grass is always greener over there to some people. Why is that? Instead of feeling like the luckiest person on the planet, why do some people only think that perhaps they could be even luckier with someone else?
I recently read an article about whether or not men know when they are in love. The majority of respondents fell into the category of "Yes.....but usually only when under threat of break-up or after the actual break-up". In the same sort of ambivalent vein.....in the last few weeks I've received messages from three fellows who I dated at one time (why do things happen in threes?). I haven't seen any of the three in many months....perhaps over a year. Two were "I miss you....can I see you?" messages and the third remains a mystery. I know what you're thinking. Booty call attempt. Yeah, that's what I was thinking too and really now....are they thinking:
1. Oh yeah....I was THAT great that she'll definitely want to hook up with me again.
2. I'm THAT desperate....let me go down my entire phone list and see who says yes.
3. She DID have a bad memory.
This all makes me think of that Groucho Marx quote of not wanting to belong to a club that would accept me for a member. Is that what it is? If someone wants to buy my car for $1000 then maybe someone else will give me $1500? I think it might be a sign that I was never very good at driving in reverse.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Day Fifty Four - Really??
An actual email that I received this morning:
"I love your look especially your beatiful tattooes. You look very sophisticated and sexy. At your convience please call me at ***-**** and lets have a casual drinks and just hang out. no strings attached. Aloha....."
1. I have this compulsion to correct all his spelling and grammatical errors and return his email.
2. "tattooes"......is that like the whole potatoe debacle?
3. And most importantly............seriously?!?!
"I love your look especially your beatiful tattooes. You look very sophisticated and sexy. At your convience please call me at ***-**** and lets have a casual drinks and just hang out. no strings attached. Aloha....."
1. I have this compulsion to correct all his spelling and grammatical errors and return his email.
2. "tattooes"......is that like the whole potatoe debacle?
3. And most importantly............seriously?!?!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Day Fifty Three - Communication
The online dating world seems to be separated into two general segments (sorta like right and left lobes of the brain). On one side are those who seem to want to meet immediately. No foreplay email to get a glimpse of just who this person might be.....just look at some photographs, say "hi", and let's meet. That makes me a little uncomfortable. I'm not sure if it's because:
1. I want to at least have a general feel for someone before agreeing to meet them in person.
2. Possibly Google them to see if they might be on any offensive list or indiscreetly posting naked pictures of themselves (or others).
3. Or because I'm thinking that they might be incapable of writing a decent paragraph.
And while there apparently are people (on the other lobe) who want to exclusively communicate via email and/or text and never actually meet in person (yeah, I know.....just as telling and odd in its own way) which would be okay if I was interested in a pen pal but otherwise a little unfulfilling to say the least.......I have found that I may be more.....or even initially attracted to someone with interesting writing skills.
This is a relatively new discovery for me. No one writes letters any longer. We talk on the phone....write little snippet text messages....perhaps a quick email....but when is the last time that you wrote to someone who you see regularly in your life? I mean REALLY write....ask questions....dig deeper....express something that you wouldn't normally bring up in day to day conversation. Are we starting to lose our communication skills?
I had a pen pal in grade school. I no longer remember her name or much about her letters (I don't save things) but I do recall that she lived in Iowa (which seemed very Little House on the Prairie to me so I imagined that my pen pal was Laura Ingalls Wilder) and had large, loopy handwriting. My mom used to correspond with her sister (who lived on Maui) for much of their adult life. I remember seeing the incoming and outgoing letters and the excitement that my mom would have when a new letter arrived. She would always save reading it for that brief quiet time that she had between work and the busy household. I would peak in her room and see her sitting at her desk reading.....pages too...not just a brief one page letter but pages of handwriting. The letters went back and forth until my aunt passed away a few years ago.
Where am I going with this thread? What constitutes and sustains attraction? I posted this quote a little while back:
"For a relationship to stay alive, love alone is not enough. Without imagination, love stales into sentiment, duty, boredom. Relationships fail not because we have stopped loving but because we first stopped imagining."
Perhaps when we step out of our box and experiment with various means of expression and communication we may be able to see much more of individuals than we ever could have otherwise.
1. I want to at least have a general feel for someone before agreeing to meet them in person.
2. Possibly Google them to see if they might be on any offensive list or indiscreetly posting naked pictures of themselves (or others).
3. Or because I'm thinking that they might be incapable of writing a decent paragraph.
And while there apparently are people (on the other lobe) who want to exclusively communicate via email and/or text and never actually meet in person (yeah, I know.....just as telling and odd in its own way) which would be okay if I was interested in a pen pal but otherwise a little unfulfilling to say the least.......I have found that I may be more.....or even initially attracted to someone with interesting writing skills.
This is a relatively new discovery for me. No one writes letters any longer. We talk on the phone....write little snippet text messages....perhaps a quick email....but when is the last time that you wrote to someone who you see regularly in your life? I mean REALLY write....ask questions....dig deeper....express something that you wouldn't normally bring up in day to day conversation. Are we starting to lose our communication skills?
I had a pen pal in grade school. I no longer remember her name or much about her letters (I don't save things) but I do recall that she lived in Iowa (which seemed very Little House on the Prairie to me so I imagined that my pen pal was Laura Ingalls Wilder) and had large, loopy handwriting. My mom used to correspond with her sister (who lived on Maui) for much of their adult life. I remember seeing the incoming and outgoing letters and the excitement that my mom would have when a new letter arrived. She would always save reading it for that brief quiet time that she had between work and the busy household. I would peak in her room and see her sitting at her desk reading.....pages too...not just a brief one page letter but pages of handwriting. The letters went back and forth until my aunt passed away a few years ago.
Where am I going with this thread? What constitutes and sustains attraction? I posted this quote a little while back:
"For a relationship to stay alive, love alone is not enough. Without imagination, love stales into sentiment, duty, boredom. Relationships fail not because we have stopped loving but because we first stopped imagining."
Perhaps when we step out of our box and experiment with various means of expression and communication we may be able to see much more of individuals than we ever could have otherwise.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Day Fifty Two - It's a Fool Who Plays It Cool By Making His World a Little Colder
I have never cheated on a partner (well....except maybe in board games but that's a different topic). No....I don't think that I'm a saint or in any way deserving of a medal for being able to state that......and perhaps that's the problem with society. I have a friend who is embarking on a new relationship with a fellow who has admitted to cheating in previous relationships. He had "reasons" for doing so, although in his defense he did also seem to realize that those reasons all amount to trivial justifications of wrong doing.
So now she's asking me if she should still get involved with him. I know what she wants to hear. She wants me to tell her that his cheating was in the past with its own unique circumstances....that he has learned from his mistakes....that he really loves her and that love will keep him from hurting her. I know that's what she wants to hear because that's what I've told myself in the past.......and of course, I was mistaken.
Should we be able to hold the past against the present? Or should relationships be like court trials? Only the current facts can be introduced and weighed? Or is that just naive given human nature and patterns? Maybe this guy really did learn from the past. A male friend of mine said it's in their DNA to spread their "seed" as much as humanly possible in order to propagate the species. Uh.....right. If you've evolved enough that you can now use a computer, no longer hunt for your food, and wouldn't be able to run 3 miles across a desert plain to escape Tyrannosaurus Rex.....I really don't think you should start pulling out the "in our DNA" card.
So again.....what to tell her? This is what I wrote her:
"I'm not gonna lie.....my gut instinct tells me that his cheating (for whatever reason) has become a pattern for him. Does that guarantee that he will cheat on you? Of course not. Maybe he's figured out why he chooses that route....maybe this time when the situation arises he'll choose a different path....maybe, maybe, maybe....in the end there is no predicting anyone's future actions HOWEVER we don't live in the future....and our decisions should be based on the present. If you love this guy and choose to accept his past then you need to remain in the present with him. You also need to be able to trust him completely or you may as well walk away right now. In the end which will you regret more? Walking away now and never knowing what might have been? Or possibly having your heart broken? Possibly. How much does possibly mean to you?"
So now she's asking me if she should still get involved with him. I know what she wants to hear. She wants me to tell her that his cheating was in the past with its own unique circumstances....that he has learned from his mistakes....that he really loves her and that love will keep him from hurting her. I know that's what she wants to hear because that's what I've told myself in the past.......and of course, I was mistaken.
Should we be able to hold the past against the present? Or should relationships be like court trials? Only the current facts can be introduced and weighed? Or is that just naive given human nature and patterns? Maybe this guy really did learn from the past. A male friend of mine said it's in their DNA to spread their "seed" as much as humanly possible in order to propagate the species. Uh.....right. If you've evolved enough that you can now use a computer, no longer hunt for your food, and wouldn't be able to run 3 miles across a desert plain to escape Tyrannosaurus Rex.....I really don't think you should start pulling out the "in our DNA" card.
So again.....what to tell her? This is what I wrote her:
"I'm not gonna lie.....my gut instinct tells me that his cheating (for whatever reason) has become a pattern for him. Does that guarantee that he will cheat on you? Of course not. Maybe he's figured out why he chooses that route....maybe this time when the situation arises he'll choose a different path....maybe, maybe, maybe....in the end there is no predicting anyone's future actions HOWEVER we don't live in the future....and our decisions should be based on the present. If you love this guy and choose to accept his past then you need to remain in the present with him. You also need to be able to trust him completely or you may as well walk away right now. In the end which will you regret more? Walking away now and never knowing what might have been? Or possibly having your heart broken? Possibly. How much does possibly mean to you?"
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Favorites: Tori Amos
"I know I'm an acquired taste - I'm anchovies. And not everybody wants those hairy little things."
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Day Fifty One-Surprise!
Today was a first. I received an email on the dating website from a woman. Yes, a woman. She said she had a friend who was moving to Hawaii and apparently was doing reconnaissance work for him........but then she said she would also be interested in me....although on her profile she did say that she was looking for a man (and a rich man no less)....and she lives in Florida. All very confusing and why are people in Florida emailing me anyway??
Of course my first intuition is that this is some sort of scam...although for the life of me I can't conceive of how it works. So I emailed her back because now I'm just completely intrigued.......and I wonder how she's doing finding a rich guy.........and she was really very pretty......
Of course my first intuition is that this is some sort of scam...although for the life of me I can't conceive of how it works. So I emailed her back because now I'm just completely intrigued.......and I wonder how she's doing finding a rich guy.........and she was really very pretty......
Monday, June 4, 2012
Day Fifty-Taxi cabs
I have a male friend who is the stereotypical "confirmed bachelor". No, not confirmed bachelor as in he is asexual, but confirmed bachelor as in he has just never wanted to be in a committed relationship. He's an intelligent, witty, attractive guy with a good career and income, so needless to say, he doesn't have any trouble with dating. We would at times discuss his current partner and for the most part they were all the female version of him.....intelligent, witty, attractive women. So one day I asked him why he never got serious with any of them.
He said he just never felt the need to be in that deep of a relationship. He didn't want children....he appreciated his time to himself....and he didn't see how taking that next step with someone would enhance his life in any way. Hmmmmm.......I had to ponder that one for a while. Why do we get into relationships??? I always assumed that it is basic human nature. We want to connect with someone...form bonds...romanticize the notion of a partnership. But is it imperative to living a full life? For him it wasn't. I always compared the depth of exchange involved with dating as opposed to a committed relationship to be that of getting a really cool toy but if you're only dating you're not allowed to take it out of the box. It's there and it's great and even fun in it's own way, but I would much rather take it out and play with it....check out every little detail....maybe take it apart and attempt to put it back together.....no matter how great the toy was, if I couldn't bond with it and know it's hidden secrets there was some facet missing.
And then it happened. One day we attended the same wedding and there he was with a date....except she wasn't just a date...she was his girlfriend! At least that's how he introduced her. So of course, a couple days later I had to get the details. He said it was like one day he woke up and his light was on. I had mentioned to him an episode of Sex and the City where they compared single men to cabs. A cab (man) can be driving round and round picking up and dropping off countless fares (women) and if you happen to be the next woman who gets in just when he turns his light on then you will be the "relationship fare". It doesn't matter how great the woman is....if the light is not on then he is just not ready for that particular fare. It's all a matter of timing and chance.
I asked him if she was in any way different from all the previous non-relationship women and really.......she wasn't. Yes, she was intelligent, witty, and attractive but so were many of the others. I always assumed that if I was dating someone and they drove off at that deciding point in time then it was something to do with me (doesn't everyone think that?). Are men and women THAT different? It can't ALL be about timing? There has to be more to it than that. He insisted that was it.....his light came on and she got in and now they're married.
Maybe even those decisions that we think we have come up with on our own are really subject to chance. Maybe if you met someone 59 days ago things would be completely different? What about 174 days ago? Or what about that day your phone died so you couldn't receive any messages? Or perhaps if you didn't have that particular conversation? Or if you chose to wear a red shirt on Friday? Or that you just decided to respond to an email because they used the word "eclectic"? Maybe there is something to all those seemingly random choices that we make......it's just that we never get to view the alternate Universe where all the other possibilities take place.
He said he just never felt the need to be in that deep of a relationship. He didn't want children....he appreciated his time to himself....and he didn't see how taking that next step with someone would enhance his life in any way. Hmmmmm.......I had to ponder that one for a while. Why do we get into relationships??? I always assumed that it is basic human nature. We want to connect with someone...form bonds...romanticize the notion of a partnership. But is it imperative to living a full life? For him it wasn't. I always compared the depth of exchange involved with dating as opposed to a committed relationship to be that of getting a really cool toy but if you're only dating you're not allowed to take it out of the box. It's there and it's great and even fun in it's own way, but I would much rather take it out and play with it....check out every little detail....maybe take it apart and attempt to put it back together.....no matter how great the toy was, if I couldn't bond with it and know it's hidden secrets there was some facet missing.
And then it happened. One day we attended the same wedding and there he was with a date....except she wasn't just a date...she was his girlfriend! At least that's how he introduced her. So of course, a couple days later I had to get the details. He said it was like one day he woke up and his light was on. I had mentioned to him an episode of Sex and the City where they compared single men to cabs. A cab (man) can be driving round and round picking up and dropping off countless fares (women) and if you happen to be the next woman who gets in just when he turns his light on then you will be the "relationship fare". It doesn't matter how great the woman is....if the light is not on then he is just not ready for that particular fare. It's all a matter of timing and chance.
I asked him if she was in any way different from all the previous non-relationship women and really.......she wasn't. Yes, she was intelligent, witty, and attractive but so were many of the others. I always assumed that if I was dating someone and they drove off at that deciding point in time then it was something to do with me (doesn't everyone think that?). Are men and women THAT different? It can't ALL be about timing? There has to be more to it than that. He insisted that was it.....his light came on and she got in and now they're married.
Maybe even those decisions that we think we have come up with on our own are really subject to chance. Maybe if you met someone 59 days ago things would be completely different? What about 174 days ago? Or what about that day your phone died so you couldn't receive any messages? Or perhaps if you didn't have that particular conversation? Or if you chose to wear a red shirt on Friday? Or that you just decided to respond to an email because they used the word "eclectic"? Maybe there is something to all those seemingly random choices that we make......it's just that we never get to view the alternate Universe where all the other possibilities take place.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Favorites: Imagination
"For a relationship to stay alive, love alone is not enough. Without imagination, love stales into sentiment, duty, boredom. Relationships fail not because we have stopped loving but because we first stopped imagining."
Day Forty Nine-Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back Online
I have decided to sublet my dating profile to a friend of mine. Okay.....I'm not really subletting but she seems to think that my dating woes stem from user error as opposed to just plain crappy luck. Yes, yes, I know that I said I was done with the online thing but being that I got suckered into paying for a renewal and seem to do even worse out in the real world, I am allowing her to analyze and make recommendations on my choice of potential dates. So once again I put my profile out there and I subsequently received this email:
"Hello, Liked your profile would you do 57? LO! You want too get off the island and retire? I am looking for a a sian bride fri love and happiness."
First off "would you do 57?" is probably not a highly recommended way to initiate a dialog. I can think of (and have received) many worse than that phrase but it would make the Top Ten list of what NOT to write in order to elicit a response. Mr. 57 apparently lives in Florida....hence his suggestion?...offer?...to retire with him. Even if there was a compelling reason for me to pack up and relocate to Florida (and not just to meet a 57-year old complete stranger) this sounds like the start to a Movie-of-the-Week plot where I'd be yelling at the tv "What kind of idiot goes across country to meet a stranger?!?!" And finally, either Mr. 57 has extremely poor writing skills (WTF is "a sian bride fri love and happiness"???) or he might want to disable his autocorrect.
It is soooooo not user error.......
"Hello, Liked your profile would you do 57? LO! You want too get off the island and retire? I am looking for a a sian bride fri love and happiness."
First off "would you do 57?" is probably not a highly recommended way to initiate a dialog. I can think of (and have received) many worse than that phrase but it would make the Top Ten list of what NOT to write in order to elicit a response. Mr. 57 apparently lives in Florida....hence his suggestion?...offer?...to retire with him. Even if there was a compelling reason for me to pack up and relocate to Florida (and not just to meet a 57-year old complete stranger) this sounds like the start to a Movie-of-the-Week plot where I'd be yelling at the tv "What kind of idiot goes across country to meet a stranger?!?!" And finally, either Mr. 57 has extremely poor writing skills (WTF is "a sian bride fri love and happiness"???) or he might want to disable his autocorrect.
It is soooooo not user error.......
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Day Forty Eight-Chemistry
I recently read an article about chemistry and dating that included the following points:
1. "Women want to date men who smell like their fathers." I really don't recall my dad having any particular scent (except for the occasional Old Spice aftershave...which really just triggers the "old man smell" flashback). He used to smell like cigarettes (which doesn't appeal to me in the least) and sometimes a bit grubby (which also doesn't appeal to me); however, I do have vivid memories of every one of his t-shirts having banana goo stains on them. Does that count?
2. "Being on hormonal birth control can change a woman's taste in men." Apparently the hormone in pills can lead you to choose men with more pronounced masculine features (uh.....WTH does that mean? Hairier backs? Arnold Schwarzenegger jaws? They can't possibly be intending to head down to the nether region with that comment...can they?) and manly traits are linked to high testosterone levels (aggressive behavior, higher divorce rates). BUT then in the next paragraph they say:
Look for someone whose hand features a long fourth finger (a ring finger that is longer than the index finger). This supposedly indicates a higher testosterone level in the womb and will correlate to a man who tends to be logical, decisive, and ambitious. Hmmmmmmm........both my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers...what does THAT mean? I'm certainly not very logical, decisive, or ambitious and I really hope that I don't exhibit any masculine physical traits.....
3. "Adrenaline helps you bond with your date quickly." So why is it when you sleep with someone on the first date (a MAJOR adrenaline rush), it tends to destroy any potential bond?
1. "Women want to date men who smell like their fathers." I really don't recall my dad having any particular scent (except for the occasional Old Spice aftershave...which really just triggers the "old man smell" flashback). He used to smell like cigarettes (which doesn't appeal to me in the least) and sometimes a bit grubby (which also doesn't appeal to me); however, I do have vivid memories of every one of his t-shirts having banana goo stains on them. Does that count?
2. "Being on hormonal birth control can change a woman's taste in men." Apparently the hormone in pills can lead you to choose men with more pronounced masculine features (uh.....WTH does that mean? Hairier backs? Arnold Schwarzenegger jaws? They can't possibly be intending to head down to the nether region with that comment...can they?) and manly traits are linked to high testosterone levels (aggressive behavior, higher divorce rates). BUT then in the next paragraph they say:
Look for someone whose hand features a long fourth finger (a ring finger that is longer than the index finger). This supposedly indicates a higher testosterone level in the womb and will correlate to a man who tends to be logical, decisive, and ambitious. Hmmmmmmm........both my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers...what does THAT mean? I'm certainly not very logical, decisive, or ambitious and I really hope that I don't exhibit any masculine physical traits.....
3. "Adrenaline helps you bond with your date quickly." So why is it when you sleep with someone on the first date (a MAJOR adrenaline rush), it tends to destroy any potential bond?
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Day Forty Seven-Interpretation
I've mentioned several times about my obsession with signs. I really do believe that the Universe sends us hints in the form of signs....coincidences....serendipity......unfortunately, to this day, I really have no idea on how to interpret those signs and sometimes it just kills me.
For instance, within the past few weeks I've had several misters from the past suddenly reappear. POOF....out of the blue. One sent a text...one of those "how have you been?" texts....another appeared in person....today I literally nearly ran into one merging onto the freeway....and then finally one who I blogged about (Agent J) appeared in my email inbox because apparently he is back on the dating site (no...don't worry, I won't bother him again). WTF does it all mean??? Is it just random coincidences with no meaning whatsoever? Is the Universe trying to tell me something? And if so, why can't the Universe spell it out clearly in Arial font size 12???
A few years ago I lost four very dear friends within about a year's time. All were near my age (or younger) and all happened rather suddenly and unexpectedly. I had to take that as some sort of sign. Besides the grief of losing people that I loved, I also felt the grief of things left unsaid. Everyone always says "I'm sure they knew how you felt.".......and, for the most part, I am sure that's correct.....but then why do I still feel regret at not having expressed those things?
So I took the message from that difficult time to mean that I need to consciously live my life with the absolute least amount of regret humanly possible. Say too much....feel too much....try too much:
"I must learn to love the fool in me...the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool."
And while I am glad that I have come to this conclusion, it still doesn't explain the recent blast from the past as far as dating. I realize that I live on an island but it still seems like way too much coincidence in a compacted amount of time. If you figure it out, please let me know. Thank you.
For instance, within the past few weeks I've had several misters from the past suddenly reappear. POOF....out of the blue. One sent a text...one of those "how have you been?" texts....another appeared in person....today I literally nearly ran into one merging onto the freeway....and then finally one who I blogged about (Agent J) appeared in my email inbox because apparently he is back on the dating site (no...don't worry, I won't bother him again). WTF does it all mean??? Is it just random coincidences with no meaning whatsoever? Is the Universe trying to tell me something? And if so, why can't the Universe spell it out clearly in Arial font size 12???
A few years ago I lost four very dear friends within about a year's time. All were near my age (or younger) and all happened rather suddenly and unexpectedly. I had to take that as some sort of sign. Besides the grief of losing people that I loved, I also felt the grief of things left unsaid. Everyone always says "I'm sure they knew how you felt.".......and, for the most part, I am sure that's correct.....but then why do I still feel regret at not having expressed those things?
So I took the message from that difficult time to mean that I need to consciously live my life with the absolute least amount of regret humanly possible. Say too much....feel too much....try too much:
"I must learn to love the fool in me...the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool."
And while I am glad that I have come to this conclusion, it still doesn't explain the recent blast from the past as far as dating. I realize that I live on an island but it still seems like way too much coincidence in a compacted amount of time. If you figure it out, please let me know. Thank you.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Day Forty Six-Contemplation on Forever
I recently had a conversation with a girlfriend about why I, at 46, am still single. On the one hand, I am flattered that people will actually question why it is...I'm assuming (hopefully accurately) that they ask because they think that I am a suitable enough catch to be in a happy relationship. I think that I'm a relatively good catch.......save for the medical disorder (which I generally have under control)....the eccentricities (none of which are particularly frightening or life-threatening)....and the sixth toe sprouting from my left foot (it can be concealed in shoes)........I did say that I was a RELATIVELY (key word) good catch.
So my friend theorized that everyone has their wants. What is it that you want in a partner? Some go for stability...someone with a good career, looking to have a family, buy a nice house, save for retirement. Others go for their twin...someone exactly like them, have the same hobbies, participate in the same activities, like the same food. Others go for the emotional rush...someone who will push their buttons, keep them constantly on their toes, lots of great make-up sex. She said it's much easier to find a match for your wants if your wants are pretty basic but when your wants fall in the realm of strange, mystical, metaphysical match-ups......well........it can be rather tricky and for the most part unfulfilled. "Jody, you probably would be married by now if you were simply looking for a smart, funny guy with a decent career and maybe a dog....but you're always looking for something else....something indescribable."
Everyone always says that "you will just know" when you meet the right person for you. WTF does that mean?? Do they smell right? Or maybe it's because they DON'T smell? Is it something they say? Or do? Do you know right away? Or does it take months? Years? I'm probably really confused by it all because I've never been "in love". No, I'm not a coldhearted bastard....I've loved many, many people throughout my life....but "in love"? My qualification of in love would mean that you could see forever with this person. I have never felt forever....I've felt next month....next year....even maybe a couple of years from now.......just not forever.
And sometimes I think that the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to find that person who fills the wants. Perhaps because I've learned to fill most of them on my own at this point....a partner would probably have to bring something that I didn't even realize that I wanted and/or needed. And how do you then ask/look for something when you don't even know what it is yet? That's where the strange, mystical, metaphysical stuff comes in. I told my friend that I could probably give her a very general idea of someone who I'd like to meet but honestly, I think the person that might be my forever is someone that I only know in my soul. Is that the key? Touch someone's soul and everything else falls into place?
So my friend theorized that everyone has their wants. What is it that you want in a partner? Some go for stability...someone with a good career, looking to have a family, buy a nice house, save for retirement. Others go for their twin...someone exactly like them, have the same hobbies, participate in the same activities, like the same food. Others go for the emotional rush...someone who will push their buttons, keep them constantly on their toes, lots of great make-up sex. She said it's much easier to find a match for your wants if your wants are pretty basic but when your wants fall in the realm of strange, mystical, metaphysical match-ups......well........it can be rather tricky and for the most part unfulfilled. "Jody, you probably would be married by now if you were simply looking for a smart, funny guy with a decent career and maybe a dog....but you're always looking for something else....something indescribable."
Everyone always says that "you will just know" when you meet the right person for you. WTF does that mean?? Do they smell right? Or maybe it's because they DON'T smell? Is it something they say? Or do? Do you know right away? Or does it take months? Years? I'm probably really confused by it all because I've never been "in love". No, I'm not a coldhearted bastard....I've loved many, many people throughout my life....but "in love"? My qualification of in love would mean that you could see forever with this person. I have never felt forever....I've felt next month....next year....even maybe a couple of years from now.......just not forever.
And sometimes I think that the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to find that person who fills the wants. Perhaps because I've learned to fill most of them on my own at this point....a partner would probably have to bring something that I didn't even realize that I wanted and/or needed. And how do you then ask/look for something when you don't even know what it is yet? That's where the strange, mystical, metaphysical stuff comes in. I told my friend that I could probably give her a very general idea of someone who I'd like to meet but honestly, I think the person that might be my forever is someone that I only know in my soul. Is that the key? Touch someone's soul and everything else falls into place?
Friday, May 4, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Favorites: .....that's all
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| All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same. |
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Day Forty Five-Shark Bait
Conversation with friend:
Friend: How did your date go?
Me: Really well.
Friend: Wow.....that's a first! Ummm...maybe we should work on your game now.
Me: Meh......I don't think I need a game.
Friend: How long have you been single now? I think you need game. You know that even those guys who insist that they have no game, really do....they are just unaware that they're playing it. It's like fishing and you're throwing all your bait in the water at once so the only thing that seems to attract are shark.
Me: I would rather make a total jackass of myself by saying too much or being too accessible than to try and play "the game" and have second thoughts and regrets. After a little bit of time goes by I'll forget the jackass feeling but I will never be able to live my life filled with regrets...........but if I get eaten by a shark feel free to shoot it.
Friend: How did your date go?
Me: Really well.
Friend: Wow.....that's a first! Ummm...maybe we should work on your game now.
Me: Meh......I don't think I need a game.
Friend: How long have you been single now? I think you need game. You know that even those guys who insist that they have no game, really do....they are just unaware that they're playing it. It's like fishing and you're throwing all your bait in the water at once so the only thing that seems to attract are shark.
Me: I would rather make a total jackass of myself by saying too much or being too accessible than to try and play "the game" and have second thoughts and regrets. After a little bit of time goes by I'll forget the jackass feeling but I will never be able to live my life filled with regrets...........but if I get eaten by a shark feel free to shoot it.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Day Forty Four-It's Gotta Be A Sign....
So after the umpteenth odd email, I made a decision to hide my profile on the dating website (unfortunately, I had also caved in and renewed it after they gave me one of those great deals that I always fall for). And then this was the weekend that I had:
First off I met the human incarnation of Pepe LePew....well, if Pepe had grown up in the deep south instead of France. I wish I had a picture of him because mere words just won't do justice. Very slim, VERY tan, slick 70's hair (with wings and all), trimmed (not shaved) chest hair, gold chain, mirrored sunglasses, and the clincher....a thin, extremely well manicured mustache (just the stache, no goatee). Admittedly, the accent was rather charming, but no Pepe....I don't think I would like to go to your house for a barbeque....I'm a bit afraid of which other cartoon characters might show up.....
Then the following day, Mr. 65-Year Old Guy hit on me in Whole Foods. I'm estimating his age, but my sister-in-law confirmed. You know that there is something amiss when your first reaction is...."oh, he's just making conversation.".......which turns into..."oh, do I know this guy?".......which turns into...."oh, is he the dad of one of my friends?"........which turns to slight horror as you realize that he's hitting on you. He drinks Kefir which apparently is good for your skin....maybe not so noticeable when you're 60-something, although maybe he was really 80-something and Kefir was doing wonders.
The online dating site is starting to look not so bad after all.........
First off I met the human incarnation of Pepe LePew....well, if Pepe had grown up in the deep south instead of France. I wish I had a picture of him because mere words just won't do justice. Very slim, VERY tan, slick 70's hair (with wings and all), trimmed (not shaved) chest hair, gold chain, mirrored sunglasses, and the clincher....a thin, extremely well manicured mustache (just the stache, no goatee). Admittedly, the accent was rather charming, but no Pepe....I don't think I would like to go to your house for a barbeque....I'm a bit afraid of which other cartoon characters might show up.....
Then the following day, Mr. 65-Year Old Guy hit on me in Whole Foods. I'm estimating his age, but my sister-in-law confirmed. You know that there is something amiss when your first reaction is...."oh, he's just making conversation.".......which turns into..."oh, do I know this guy?".......which turns into...."oh, is he the dad of one of my friends?"........which turns to slight horror as you realize that he's hitting on you. He drinks Kefir which apparently is good for your skin....maybe not so noticeable when you're 60-something, although maybe he was really 80-something and Kefir was doing wonders.
The online dating site is starting to look not so bad after all.........
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Day Forty Three-Need To Know Basis
So....I am under the impression that there is just NEVER a good time to divulge certain types of information. You can wait and wait....and wait for that ideal moment, but some statements, for instance: "I think we should see other people." or "I slept with your best friend." or "I have this little, pus-oozing sore..." will never be taken well regardless of timing. So when should you reveal certain (less traumatizing) truths?
I am wondering because, as I've mentioned, I am bipolar. Does it show, you ask? Not generally (but of course, that is my opinion), however there are times...like the past few weeks for instance...when I may feel the need to lay low...like REALLY low...because I simply lack the energy to do much more than the basics required to get by. If I make plans with you, odds are quite good that I will also cancel these plans...but odds are even better that I just won't make them in the first place. I may seem distant...distracted...sometimes not so much...sometimes much, much more......hard to say really (and yes, I am intentionally being rather vague).
Since I have never really discussed my disorder with anyone in my life until recently, I am at a bit of a loss. Do I owe people who might potentially get involved with me a warning? Or is this equivalent to say.....wearing a hairpiece or a padded bra? Is it on a similar scale of deception? I've gotten involved with someone who changed their behavior quite a bit over the course of months...but I suppose that's the "normal" dating protocol? Would you feel deceived if someone you were dating hid things from you? But then, when should it matter to know?
Or does it all come down to the Marilyn Monroe quote: "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
In the dating world we all get to know one another on our best behavior, so in a way, we all have our fingers crossed behind our backs. Is that what eventually determines love? The day the mask cracks and you realize that this is still the most wonderful person in the world?
I am wondering because, as I've mentioned, I am bipolar. Does it show, you ask? Not generally (but of course, that is my opinion), however there are times...like the past few weeks for instance...when I may feel the need to lay low...like REALLY low...because I simply lack the energy to do much more than the basics required to get by. If I make plans with you, odds are quite good that I will also cancel these plans...but odds are even better that I just won't make them in the first place. I may seem distant...distracted...sometimes not so much...sometimes much, much more......hard to say really (and yes, I am intentionally being rather vague).
Since I have never really discussed my disorder with anyone in my life until recently, I am at a bit of a loss. Do I owe people who might potentially get involved with me a warning? Or is this equivalent to say.....wearing a hairpiece or a padded bra? Is it on a similar scale of deception? I've gotten involved with someone who changed their behavior quite a bit over the course of months...but I suppose that's the "normal" dating protocol? Would you feel deceived if someone you were dating hid things from you? But then, when should it matter to know?
Or does it all come down to the Marilyn Monroe quote: "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
In the dating world we all get to know one another on our best behavior, so in a way, we all have our fingers crossed behind our backs. Is that what eventually determines love? The day the mask cracks and you realize that this is still the most wonderful person in the world?
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Day Forty Two-Scams
Conversation:
Friend: Did you see the news about people being scammed on Match.com?
Me: Yeah....but who the hell gives money to a total stranger?
Friend: You always end up giving money to boyfriends.
Me: Yeah....but that's different.
Friend: They never pay you back.....ask for more later.....and eventually disappear...sounds about the same to me.
Me: I think you just called me an idiot.....at least I must not look like an idiot because with all the whacked out emails that I've received no one has hit me up for money........yet.
Friend: That's probably because you look too disheveled to have any...
Me: Thanks.
Friend: Did you see the news about people being scammed on Match.com?
Me: Yeah....but who the hell gives money to a total stranger?
Friend: You always end up giving money to boyfriends.
Me: Yeah....but that's different.
Friend: They never pay you back.....ask for more later.....and eventually disappear...sounds about the same to me.
Me: I think you just called me an idiot.....at least I must not look like an idiot because with all the whacked out emails that I've received no one has hit me up for money........yet.
Friend: That's probably because you look too disheveled to have any...
Me: Thanks.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Day Forty One-The Laws of Attraction
Do you ever wonder what exactly controls who we are attracted to? I'm wondering. I mean, you can make a short....or long....list of all the qualities that you believe will lead to a happy relationship but does that really guarantee anything? Or is it all a big crapshoot?
I know people who set out with their list in hand...found someone who met all the prerequisites...got married........and are now divorced. I also know people who met someone by chance...married after a brief, whirlwind courtship........and are still married. Some of my friends say it's important to marry your best friend. Some say that you shouldn't share everything with your partner. If you could create an "ideal" partner for your lifetime, would you create the person who you're currently with?
I've been pondering these questions because lately it seems to me that my own attractions seem to have absolutely no rhyme or reason. I've met smart, funny men who I'm pretty sure that I should be quite happy and honored to spend time with....but I'm not. And then I've met odd, quirky men who most would say that I should run screaming from (okay, maybe not literally screaming) but whose company I enjoy and look forward to having. Am I THAT messed up? Am I intentionally sabotaging myself?? Or is it something out of my control?
Why do we connect with some people and not with others?
I read an article discussing reincarnation which suggested that perhaps we go through each lifetime meeting the same group of souls who will help guide us through our travels. The notion was that we will always feel a kinship with these people as they enter our lives in their various incarnations....hence forming relationships with some as opposed to others....you might seemingly be the completely WRONG person for me, but I feel this undeniable connection to you. If this whole run into the same souls thing is true, I REALLY wish this lifetime would send me a smart, kind, funny, hot, generous guy with oodles of money........meh, who am I kidding...I'll settle for just one of the above....
I know people who set out with their list in hand...found someone who met all the prerequisites...got married........and are now divorced. I also know people who met someone by chance...married after a brief, whirlwind courtship........and are still married. Some of my friends say it's important to marry your best friend. Some say that you shouldn't share everything with your partner. If you could create an "ideal" partner for your lifetime, would you create the person who you're currently with?
I've been pondering these questions because lately it seems to me that my own attractions seem to have absolutely no rhyme or reason. I've met smart, funny men who I'm pretty sure that I should be quite happy and honored to spend time with....but I'm not. And then I've met odd, quirky men who most would say that I should run screaming from (okay, maybe not literally screaming) but whose company I enjoy and look forward to having. Am I THAT messed up? Am I intentionally sabotaging myself?? Or is it something out of my control?
Why do we connect with some people and not with others?
I read an article discussing reincarnation which suggested that perhaps we go through each lifetime meeting the same group of souls who will help guide us through our travels. The notion was that we will always feel a kinship with these people as they enter our lives in their various incarnations....hence forming relationships with some as opposed to others....you might seemingly be the completely WRONG person for me, but I feel this undeniable connection to you. If this whole run into the same souls thing is true, I REALLY wish this lifetime would send me a smart, kind, funny, hot, generous guy with oodles of money........meh, who am I kidding...I'll settle for just one of the above....
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Day Forty-More Signs
I think I've already mentioned that I am a huge believer in signs. Unfortunately, I am not a huge decoder of these signs but oh well.....can't have it all. Several months ago I met up with someone from the dating site. It didn't go particularly well....it was one of those meetings where within 5 minutes you're already sure that this is not going to go anywhere other than to become a story in a blog. We parted and I never spoke to or saw this fellow again.
Well a couple of days ago I received an email from someone on the site. He surprisingly gave me his first and last name (lotsa guys seem reticent to give out that info right away) which kinda rang a little bell in my head....but being that I have the memory of a gnat, it was just a faint, distant bell.......until I read further. He also mentioned his line of work...an unusual specialty type of occupation...which made the bell ring a bit louder. I clicked on his profile picture and there it was......the spitting image (and by the way, is the phrase spitting or splitting?) of the guy that I met several months previous. No, it wasn't THE same guy but obviously his brother (hence the name briefly catching my attention). I spent the day wondering if I should email him back and explain that I do believe that I met his brother a while back...maybe they hadn't told one another that they are on this dating website? It was too funny a coincidence not to reveal it to him, so I did. I said something to the extent of...."Funny story...." and did a brief explanation (not going into the fact that the date didn't go anywhere and also not mentioning that we met off of the site as well). Brother #2 emailed me back with a "small world" type of comment and I thought we were done with this slightly amusing thread. Then the following day I receive another email from #2. This time he's referring to his "f*cking brother" messing things up for him and that it only just dawned on him that I met #1 through the site and not just out in the real world. After another f*cking and a sh*t in there as well (not directed at me but at his brother) I started to recall that #1 had mentioned that he had a twin....yes, TWIN brother who he did not get along with. Yeah....it took that much to jog my memory.
The really funny thing is that even if I hadn't gone out with #1, I still had no intentions of going out with #2 (even before his expletive filled rant) so really #1 hadn't messed anything up for him. I didn't feel the need to clarify details with him though. Mister seems to have some anger issues so I thought it best not to have any further contact with him...
So as far as signs go, I'm taking this as sign #2 that I really should cancel my membership (#1 being the email from the 68-year old). So now I'm just waiting on sign #3.......I'm pretty sure that he didn't say they were triplets.....
Well a couple of days ago I received an email from someone on the site. He surprisingly gave me his first and last name (lotsa guys seem reticent to give out that info right away) which kinda rang a little bell in my head....but being that I have the memory of a gnat, it was just a faint, distant bell.......until I read further. He also mentioned his line of work...an unusual specialty type of occupation...which made the bell ring a bit louder. I clicked on his profile picture and there it was......the spitting image (and by the way, is the phrase spitting or splitting?) of the guy that I met several months previous. No, it wasn't THE same guy but obviously his brother (hence the name briefly catching my attention). I spent the day wondering if I should email him back and explain that I do believe that I met his brother a while back...maybe they hadn't told one another that they are on this dating website? It was too funny a coincidence not to reveal it to him, so I did. I said something to the extent of...."Funny story...." and did a brief explanation (not going into the fact that the date didn't go anywhere and also not mentioning that we met off of the site as well). Brother #2 emailed me back with a "small world" type of comment and I thought we were done with this slightly amusing thread. Then the following day I receive another email from #2. This time he's referring to his "f*cking brother" messing things up for him and that it only just dawned on him that I met #1 through the site and not just out in the real world. After another f*cking and a sh*t in there as well (not directed at me but at his brother) I started to recall that #1 had mentioned that he had a twin....yes, TWIN brother who he did not get along with. Yeah....it took that much to jog my memory.
The really funny thing is that even if I hadn't gone out with #1, I still had no intentions of going out with #2 (even before his expletive filled rant) so really #1 hadn't messed anything up for him. I didn't feel the need to clarify details with him though. Mister seems to have some anger issues so I thought it best not to have any further contact with him...
So as far as signs go, I'm taking this as sign #2 that I really should cancel my membership (#1 being the email from the 68-year old). So now I'm just waiting on sign #3.......I'm pretty sure that he didn't say they were triplets.....
Friday, March 30, 2012
Day Thirty Nine-Medication
A little while back I went out with Mr. Smarty Pants. He was working on his graduate degree in Psychology and from our brief time emailing (I think we only exchanged one or two emails) he seemed like an interesting fellow to meet.
Another friend once introduced me to the idea that you should wonder what it would be like to kiss someone within say the first 15 minutes of meeting them...otherwise it means that you probably don't and won't have physical chemistry. I kinda think he might be on to something. Anyway, needless to say, I wasn't wondering what it would be like to kiss Mr. Smarty Pants within the first 15 minutes however we were having a rather interesting conversation.........until........I started feeling like I was in a lecture class in school. I realized that at some point Mr. SP had gotten up on his soap box and was talking at me on all sorts of subjects that he was an expert on. It wouldn't have been too bad except it went on for quite a while...and then he started on his opinions on various psychiatric issues.
By now I was mulling over exit strategies in my head while nodding in agreement to whatever he was ranting about. His conversation (can you call in conversation when it's completely one-sided?) turned to psychiatric disorders and the importance of pharmaceutical treatment.........and suddenly I blurted out that I have bipolar disorder and have refused medication for years. There was a brief moment of silence (which was nice) and then he looks at me and says "You really should be on medication."
I wasn't sure if that was an insult, suggestion, or his "professional" opinion because I really just threw it out there as my means of exiting study hall. I do have to say that this was the first time (on a first date) that someone told me that I should be medicated....usually it takes them a little longer to come to that conclusion.
No, there was no second date.
Another friend once introduced me to the idea that you should wonder what it would be like to kiss someone within say the first 15 minutes of meeting them...otherwise it means that you probably don't and won't have physical chemistry. I kinda think he might be on to something. Anyway, needless to say, I wasn't wondering what it would be like to kiss Mr. Smarty Pants within the first 15 minutes however we were having a rather interesting conversation.........until........I started feeling like I was in a lecture class in school. I realized that at some point Mr. SP had gotten up on his soap box and was talking at me on all sorts of subjects that he was an expert on. It wouldn't have been too bad except it went on for quite a while...and then he started on his opinions on various psychiatric issues.
By now I was mulling over exit strategies in my head while nodding in agreement to whatever he was ranting about. His conversation (can you call in conversation when it's completely one-sided?) turned to psychiatric disorders and the importance of pharmaceutical treatment.........and suddenly I blurted out that I have bipolar disorder and have refused medication for years. There was a brief moment of silence (which was nice) and then he looks at me and says "You really should be on medication."
I wasn't sure if that was an insult, suggestion, or his "professional" opinion because I really just threw it out there as my means of exiting study hall. I do have to say that this was the first time (on a first date) that someone told me that I should be medicated....usually it takes them a little longer to come to that conclusion.
No, there was no second date.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Day Thirty Eight-Limits
I think I reached mine. I received an email from a 68-year old guy today. 68. That's 24 years older than me and I'm no spring chicken (what the heck IS a spring chicken anyway?). My membership is expiring soon but every time I hit that breaking point and decide to cancel, they give me some ridiculous offer to continue my ridiculous online dating experiences.
Hmmmmm.......maybe I should try to drum up the $1000 finder's fee.....
Hmmmmm.......maybe I should try to drum up the $1000 finder's fee.....
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Day Thirty Seven-The Caste System
A while back a friend entertained the idea of introducing me to a friend of his. He showed me a group picture on his Facebook which included the introducee. As soon as I saw the photograph I told him that I couldn't possibly meet this guy, and of course, my friend asked "Why not?". I said, "He's so totally out of my league!"
So that brought up the discussion of the caste system of looks. You know that everyone does it. You see a couple and perhaps the woman is incredibly beautiful and the man not so much, and you think.....oh...he must have money. Or if the reverse is true then she must have money. Or he's gay. Everyone does it even if they won't admit it. How did he/she get that person???
So I ended up asking a friend at work for her opinion on the subject. She gave it some thought and told me the story of her daughter (who is very pretty). Apparently at some point her daughter dated a guy who was equally as physically gifted but it ended up not working out because he (and she) were used to being "the one" in the relationship...and suddenly having two of "the one" just wasn't working out dynamically. I had mentioned to my friend that I'm uncomfortable going out with someone considered traditionally handsome because I am so NOT traditionally pretty, and in my rather un-evolved mental cycle I can't quite get the two to live in harmony. So she suggested that perhaps the traditionally attractive in the world might prefer to be "the one" in the relationship and thus find comfort in being with someone posing less competition to their physical status.
Yes, yes, all very odd and somewhat reminiscent of Paleolithic days and some sort of survival of the fittest (well..in appearance anyway) but it is a fact. Many profiles that I read will state that the guy works out regularly and is in good shape and is thus looking for a woman who is also in good shape (and I really don't think he means her EKG reading or cholesterol levels). Or a guy will state that he looks considerably younger than his chronological age and is thus looking for a woman who looks equally as young (or younger). People wouldn't make those statements if the caste system didn't exist. I appear a certain way so I should be with someone who appears at a reasonably similar status? Of course, a problem occurs when either party does not have a realistic view of their own appearance. Hence the profiles where the fellow is NOT in good shape and/or considerably younger looking but he is still seeking a partner in great shape who looks very young. Or maybe they just fell asleep during the caste system class....
So that brought up the discussion of the caste system of looks. You know that everyone does it. You see a couple and perhaps the woman is incredibly beautiful and the man not so much, and you think.....oh...he must have money. Or if the reverse is true then she must have money. Or he's gay. Everyone does it even if they won't admit it. How did he/she get that person???
So I ended up asking a friend at work for her opinion on the subject. She gave it some thought and told me the story of her daughter (who is very pretty). Apparently at some point her daughter dated a guy who was equally as physically gifted but it ended up not working out because he (and she) were used to being "the one" in the relationship...and suddenly having two of "the one" just wasn't working out dynamically. I had mentioned to my friend that I'm uncomfortable going out with someone considered traditionally handsome because I am so NOT traditionally pretty, and in my rather un-evolved mental cycle I can't quite get the two to live in harmony. So she suggested that perhaps the traditionally attractive in the world might prefer to be "the one" in the relationship and thus find comfort in being with someone posing less competition to their physical status.
Yes, yes, all very odd and somewhat reminiscent of Paleolithic days and some sort of survival of the fittest (well..in appearance anyway) but it is a fact. Many profiles that I read will state that the guy works out regularly and is in good shape and is thus looking for a woman who is also in good shape (and I really don't think he means her EKG reading or cholesterol levels). Or a guy will state that he looks considerably younger than his chronological age and is thus looking for a woman who looks equally as young (or younger). People wouldn't make those statements if the caste system didn't exist. I appear a certain way so I should be with someone who appears at a reasonably similar status? Of course, a problem occurs when either party does not have a realistic view of their own appearance. Hence the profiles where the fellow is NOT in good shape and/or considerably younger looking but he is still seeking a partner in great shape who looks very young. Or maybe they just fell asleep during the caste system class....
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Day Thirty Six-$1000
I read this article the other day......
WATERTOWN, MA (WBZ/CNN) - If money can buy love, there's a Massachusetts florist who is ready to cash in.
Dave Greenberg is offering a thousand bucks to anyone who introduces him to his future wife.
"At the end of the aisle, they can be waiting there and I'll give them the cash. And they can be the guest of honor at the wedding, too," he said.
Greenberg doesn't have many requirements. She just needs to be over 50. His bride would also have to be willing to retire in San Diego with him.
Greenberg has even started a website, www.marrydave.com.
"I'm in good shape, I'm over 60. I'm very attentive to a woman, I like to do the little things for her. Totally honest, faithful and reliable," he said.
And as a florist, his future leading lady will always have fresh flowers on hand.
"I just want to meet a nice lady. We have chemistry we have physical appeal, I'd like to get married, I believe in marriage," he said.
If anyone wants to help a girl out, I've got $17 and a half eaten brownie......
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Day Thirty Five-Winking
The dating site has this thing called "winks". I really don't know what purpose they serve. Apparently if you create a profile but are too cheap to pay the membership fee....I mean, opt to not pay the membership fee....you can basically only send those winks. You cannot send messages...or read messages...or really communicate in any other way than by sending a wink.
First off, if you can't or don't have the $30 to spend on the membership fee perhaps you shouldn't be so concerned about dating right now. Just saying. I've read a number of profiles that state "I'm not a paying member at the moment..." ummmmm okay. So then they try to leave you a way to get in contact with them in encrypted cereal box decoder ring fashion to circumvent the website censors. I wonder if anyone actually takes that route?
Secondly, there's the mass winkers. I'll get winks from other states and out of curiosity I'll read the profile just to see how in the world they managed to find me. One day, I actually emailed someone to find out and he said that he was considering moving to Hawaii and sent out winks en masse to see what kind of response he would get.
I met someone once who initially sent the hated wink (which by this point I now ignored because WTF really is this option anyway?!?). He sent an email a couple days later and we eventually met up. I told him how the wink confuses me and he said he sends it out to see if the woman is interested....assuming that if she is she will then respond with an email. So I said....wouldn't it be easier to just send an email right off the bat? Initially, if I received a wink and the person seemed interesting, I would send an email....and then I would never hear back from them again. Was my email THAT bad? Did they lose interest in the period between sending the wink and my email? Did the cat hit the send wink button accidentally? So confusing and hence my dislike of the wink. The Wink Guy that I met said maybe those winkers weren't paying members so they couldn't read my email....in which case, why send the wink in the first place?!?
Maybe the site should create a new option for non-members...select one of the following:
"I'm too cheap to pay for a membership but I'd still like to go out with you."
"I don't know what to write but I'd still like to go out with you."
"I'm hitting on hundreds of women to increase my odds, but I really am especially interested in going out with you."
And really...who actually winks at a stranger in real life in order to meet them?
First off, if you can't or don't have the $30 to spend on the membership fee perhaps you shouldn't be so concerned about dating right now. Just saying. I've read a number of profiles that state "I'm not a paying member at the moment..." ummmmm okay. So then they try to leave you a way to get in contact with them in encrypted cereal box decoder ring fashion to circumvent the website censors. I wonder if anyone actually takes that route?
Secondly, there's the mass winkers. I'll get winks from other states and out of curiosity I'll read the profile just to see how in the world they managed to find me. One day, I actually emailed someone to find out and he said that he was considering moving to Hawaii and sent out winks en masse to see what kind of response he would get.
I met someone once who initially sent the hated wink (which by this point I now ignored because WTF really is this option anyway?!?). He sent an email a couple days later and we eventually met up. I told him how the wink confuses me and he said he sends it out to see if the woman is interested....assuming that if she is she will then respond with an email. So I said....wouldn't it be easier to just send an email right off the bat? Initially, if I received a wink and the person seemed interesting, I would send an email....and then I would never hear back from them again. Was my email THAT bad? Did they lose interest in the period between sending the wink and my email? Did the cat hit the send wink button accidentally? So confusing and hence my dislike of the wink. The Wink Guy that I met said maybe those winkers weren't paying members so they couldn't read my email....in which case, why send the wink in the first place?!?
Maybe the site should create a new option for non-members...select one of the following:
"I'm too cheap to pay for a membership but I'd still like to go out with you."
"I don't know what to write but I'd still like to go out with you."
"I'm hitting on hundreds of women to increase my odds, but I really am especially interested in going out with you."
And really...who actually winks at a stranger in real life in order to meet them?
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Day Thirty Four-Facebook
I am finding that the Facebook "Friend" request can be a very tricky road to navigate when dating. On the one hand, you can find out a LOT about a person by reading what is posted on their wall. I will admit that I decided not to go out with someone because they "liked" politicians and/or groups with a conservative agenda. I posted earlier that I also decided not to go out with someone who was "Friends" with an unusual amount of half-naked women living in various parts of the world. On the other hand, it can open way too many cans of worms that you really don't want to handle....
I had emailed with someone (but not met in person yet) from whom I accepted a "Friend" request. He seemed relatively drama-free (an important factor when accepting requests) so it seemed harmless enough. On first glance, his page seemed fine....postings on family, food, or activities. After a while though, I began to notice that he would often have rather whiny posts....about not having someone to do something with....eating alone....not having a Valentine. Granted, I'm sure those were his legitimate heartfelt feelings towards his situation but perhaps that may be a reflection on why he is single? Just speculating.....
Yes, I would LOVE to be in a blissfully joyous relationship with someone wonderful, but do I feel particularly self-pitying that I am not? Eh...not really. In fact, the only thing so far that has really been a challenge for me as a single person is going on a vacation somewhere. I'm not afraid to travel alone but I do have the WORST sense of direction....it's so bad that I do believe it qualifies as an actual disability. Otherwise I definitely don't feel sorry for myself and my circumstance, and for the most part, find quite a bit of amusement at the situations that I sometimes find myself in.
So back to Whiny Guy....we had been emailing a bit but given my newfound information, I was quickly losing interest in continuing and/or actually meeting. At that point Whiny Guy sent an email giving me an ultimatum of either meeting up or perhaps ceasing all communications. Okay....so that was done.........at least I thought so. SURPRISE....a few weeks later he was back with another email. I think he might have missed that class on how to properly issue and follow through on an ultimatum. I also think that ultimatums carry much more weight when the parties have a vested interest in the future....not so much when you don't really know the person, have never actually met, and are still getting a feel for the type of person they are. Anyway, I decided not to respond because I was now COMPLETELY sure that I did not want to meet. Several emails later (none responded to) I received a second ultimatum and this time he "Unfriended" me. Wow.....so I'm thinking imagine if you were actually involved with this guy??
A male friend of mine said that he tries at all costs to avoid accepting any "Friend" requests from any woman that he's dating. It only makes for unnecessary drama...especially if you're simply dating and not in a committed relationship. I can definitely see his point. But then how do you gracefully NOT accept a request?
I had emailed with someone (but not met in person yet) from whom I accepted a "Friend" request. He seemed relatively drama-free (an important factor when accepting requests) so it seemed harmless enough. On first glance, his page seemed fine....postings on family, food, or activities. After a while though, I began to notice that he would often have rather whiny posts....about not having someone to do something with....eating alone....not having a Valentine. Granted, I'm sure those were his legitimate heartfelt feelings towards his situation but perhaps that may be a reflection on why he is single? Just speculating.....
Yes, I would LOVE to be in a blissfully joyous relationship with someone wonderful, but do I feel particularly self-pitying that I am not? Eh...not really. In fact, the only thing so far that has really been a challenge for me as a single person is going on a vacation somewhere. I'm not afraid to travel alone but I do have the WORST sense of direction....it's so bad that I do believe it qualifies as an actual disability. Otherwise I definitely don't feel sorry for myself and my circumstance, and for the most part, find quite a bit of amusement at the situations that I sometimes find myself in.
So back to Whiny Guy....we had been emailing a bit but given my newfound information, I was quickly losing interest in continuing and/or actually meeting. At that point Whiny Guy sent an email giving me an ultimatum of either meeting up or perhaps ceasing all communications. Okay....so that was done.........at least I thought so. SURPRISE....a few weeks later he was back with another email. I think he might have missed that class on how to properly issue and follow through on an ultimatum. I also think that ultimatums carry much more weight when the parties have a vested interest in the future....not so much when you don't really know the person, have never actually met, and are still getting a feel for the type of person they are. Anyway, I decided not to respond because I was now COMPLETELY sure that I did not want to meet. Several emails later (none responded to) I received a second ultimatum and this time he "Unfriended" me. Wow.....so I'm thinking imagine if you were actually involved with this guy??
A male friend of mine said that he tries at all costs to avoid accepting any "Friend" requests from any woman that he's dating. It only makes for unnecessary drama...especially if you're simply dating and not in a committed relationship. I can definitely see his point. But then how do you gracefully NOT accept a request?
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Day Thirty Three-Rules
Conversation with friend (the same friend from a previous post who doesn't approve of me being on the "Home Shopping Dating Network"):
Friend: Hey...what about W? He's single and really needs a woman.....
Me: There's a rule that I can't date anyone who weighs less and has smaller biceps than me.
Friend: Small guys need love too.
Me: True......but it's an actual rule...in writing even.
Friend: Then how about K? I think he weighs more than you?
Me: Yeah but he gives me the creeps.
Friend: Is that a rule in writing too?
Me: Now it is.
Friend: Hey...what about W? He's single and really needs a woman.....
Me: There's a rule that I can't date anyone who weighs less and has smaller biceps than me.
Friend: Small guys need love too.
Me: True......but it's an actual rule...in writing even.
Friend: Then how about K? I think he weighs more than you?
Me: Yeah but he gives me the creeps.
Friend: Is that a rule in writing too?
Me: Now it is.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Day Thirty Two-Really?
Just a few of the things that I've read in profiles:
- "I'm not really athletic and toned but I checked it off because I'm trying to work on it" ....would that be the equivalent of me saying that I'm flat chested but I could be otherwise if someone bought me some knockers? What is that all about??? And do you really want someone who will only want to be with you because you're working on looking like someone else?
- "I'm not really fussy about how you look or what you do but I hope that you can cook."
- "I would like a woman that can take charge of my stuff." .....I'm not sure what "my stuff" refers to so I suppose he could be looking for either an accountant, maid, or dominatrix?
- "Where's the love for short guys?"
- "If you're not gonna respond to emails then why are you on a dating site?" .....yeah....I REALLY don't think that's going to encourage any responses....
- "I have 6 children that live with me..." (sorry but I didn't get any further than that line...)
- "My ex-wife decided that she would rather be with my best friend so she just up and left and....." ....and I was told that I share TOO MUCH INFORMATION....
- "I is looking for a womens for my solemate." ....apparently the site doesn't support spell or grammar check........
- "I'm not really athletic and toned but I checked it off because I'm trying to work on it" ....would that be the equivalent of me saying that I'm flat chested but I could be otherwise if someone bought me some knockers? What is that all about??? And do you really want someone who will only want to be with you because you're working on looking like someone else?
- "I'm not really fussy about how you look or what you do but I hope that you can cook."
- "I would like a woman that can take charge of my stuff." .....I'm not sure what "my stuff" refers to so I suppose he could be looking for either an accountant, maid, or dominatrix?
- "Where's the love for short guys?"
- "If you're not gonna respond to emails then why are you on a dating site?" .....yeah....I REALLY don't think that's going to encourage any responses....
- "I have 6 children that live with me..." (sorry but I didn't get any further than that line...)
- "My ex-wife decided that she would rather be with my best friend so she just up and left and....." ....and I was told that I share TOO MUCH INFORMATION....
- "I is looking for a womens for my solemate." ....apparently the site doesn't support spell or grammar check........
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Day Thirty One-Friends?
So now I've been mulling over the age old question of whether men and women can truly be friends. Friends as in the purest meaning of the word. Not friends with benefits...not friends who at one time saw one another naked...not friends as in mere acquaintances...but friends as in you can have meals together...talk about serious issues or trivial daily drivel...go to the movies or the beach...talk on the phone about something or nothing. Basically things that you would do with your girl friend (or guy friend).
I do have male friends, but only a couple who aren't gay and who (as far as I can see) fall into that category. We can hang out with no expectations other than our friendship......at least that's what I thought. After hearing a few male perspectives on the subject I'm not so sure now.
I have gone on a few dates with men who I had no romantic attraction to but who I thought were really interesting and would make a great friend. That suggestion generally doesn't pan out too well. I totally understand why. It's that equation that dictates that in every relationship there is always one person who cares more than the other person. The scale can (and often does) tip in either direction throughout the course of time, but as it is in life, nothing is completely symmetrical. The odds of running into someone (especially off of a dating site) and both of you feeling that you have no romantic interest but still find the other party to be a potentially compelling friend.....well it must be akin to the odds of finding the love of your life.
I'm under the assumption that it IS possible to have a platonic male/female relationship if:
#1. You're both not physically attracted to one another and...
#2. (for whatever reasons) You recognize that the other party would not be a suitable partner (ie: Yes, Jody, you're fun to hang out with but I would rather have my fingernails ripped off one by one than be in a relationship with you).
According to my male poll, if both #1 and #2 are not in effect and other factors are (ie: alcohol, feeling lonely because it's the holidays, just saw the ex with his/her new partner)...a rift in the friendship continuum could result which of course, would then change everything.....
Life would be so much simpler if everyone came equipped with those cartoon bubbles over their heads explaining exactly what is transpiring in their minds....
I do have male friends, but only a couple who aren't gay and who (as far as I can see) fall into that category. We can hang out with no expectations other than our friendship......at least that's what I thought. After hearing a few male perspectives on the subject I'm not so sure now.
I have gone on a few dates with men who I had no romantic attraction to but who I thought were really interesting and would make a great friend. That suggestion generally doesn't pan out too well. I totally understand why. It's that equation that dictates that in every relationship there is always one person who cares more than the other person. The scale can (and often does) tip in either direction throughout the course of time, but as it is in life, nothing is completely symmetrical. The odds of running into someone (especially off of a dating site) and both of you feeling that you have no romantic interest but still find the other party to be a potentially compelling friend.....well it must be akin to the odds of finding the love of your life.
I'm under the assumption that it IS possible to have a platonic male/female relationship if:
#1. You're both not physically attracted to one another and...
#2. (for whatever reasons) You recognize that the other party would not be a suitable partner (ie: Yes, Jody, you're fun to hang out with but I would rather have my fingernails ripped off one by one than be in a relationship with you).
According to my male poll, if both #1 and #2 are not in effect and other factors are (ie: alcohol, feeling lonely because it's the holidays, just saw the ex with his/her new partner)...a rift in the friendship continuum could result which of course, would then change everything.....
Life would be so much simpler if everyone came equipped with those cartoon bubbles over their heads explaining exactly what is transpiring in their minds....
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Day Thirty-Deal Breakers
First phone conversation with someone:
Guy: So, do you have any absolute deal breakers?
Me: Hmmmmmm....yeah I guess I do...but a lot of times I don't realize it until they pop up.
Guy: Any that you can think of off hand?
Me: Let's see......oh, definitely litterbugs...ultra-conservative political views...tufts of hair sprouting from various orifices...eh..maybe not because that could always be trimmed...
Guy: I really enjoy listening to New Age music....like Yanni.
Me: Oh...............I guess I missed one......
Guy: So, do you have any absolute deal breakers?
Me: Hmmmmmm....yeah I guess I do...but a lot of times I don't realize it until they pop up.
Guy: Any that you can think of off hand?
Me: Let's see......oh, definitely litterbugs...ultra-conservative political views...tufts of hair sprouting from various orifices...eh..maybe not because that could always be trimmed...
Guy: I really enjoy listening to New Age music....like Yanni.
Me: Oh...............I guess I missed one......
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Day Twenty Nine-High School
I received an email from someone that I went to high school with. He apparently did not recognize me and I honestly don't think that I would have recognized him except for the fact that he has an unusual first name. After seeing the name, his age, and given the fact that he grew up in Kaneohe, I was able to figure it out.
I was not a pretty or popular girl in high school...in fact, I think I could accurately describe myself as a geek (and not in a kinda cute Ally Sheedy from Breakfast Club way either). I had thick glasses, braces (and for a time headgear), acne, baby-fat, mismatched clothes, and no social skills.......save for Lasik and not requiring headgear any longer, not a whole lot has changed but I have learned to adapt to my circumstances and frankly, at this point in my life, I think I have earned being as weird as I choose to be. I can't quite recall what classification this guy fell under in school, but I am positive that he was much more in demand that I ever was.
So now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I am not interested in dating him however, I do feel like I should make some acknowledgement of our common background...after all, it is kinda funny (at least I thought it was funny). What to do, what to do?
I was not a pretty or popular girl in high school...in fact, I think I could accurately describe myself as a geek (and not in a kinda cute Ally Sheedy from Breakfast Club way either). I had thick glasses, braces (and for a time headgear), acne, baby-fat, mismatched clothes, and no social skills.......save for Lasik and not requiring headgear any longer, not a whole lot has changed but I have learned to adapt to my circumstances and frankly, at this point in my life, I think I have earned being as weird as I choose to be. I can't quite recall what classification this guy fell under in school, but I am positive that he was much more in demand that I ever was.
So now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I am not interested in dating him however, I do feel like I should make some acknowledgement of our common background...after all, it is kinda funny (at least I thought it was funny). What to do, what to do?
Monday, February 20, 2012
Day Twenty Eight-WotWentWrong?
There is now a site for daters who want to find out what went wrong (why the other party disappeared, never called back, etc). Do we really need to know?? Granted, there have been a few cases in my lifetime where I was a bit baffled for a little while.....but not enough to hound someone for an answer. Do I want to know that they didn't like my hair? Or thought that I dressed weird? Or that I laugh a little too loud? Not so much. Believe me, it's not that I think that I am perfect...in fact, I am about as far from perfect as a person could possibly be. I've been told by numerous exes the multitude of ways that I could alter myself to be more pleasing to their liking (probably why they are now exes). I've always believed that the whole point of dating is to find the person whose idiosyncrasies are in sync with yours...not to find someone to mold into what fits for you.
I have a friend who completely dissected every minute from every date that she had with this one fellow (who subsequently disappeared). Maybe she shouldn't have talked about this...or that. Maybe she seemed too independent. Maybe she should have called him more...or less. Maybe, maybe, maybe...maybe he just wasn't really feeling it. Maybe it's like the book said "he's just not that into you".
In the end, I believe that some things should be just let go to the Universe. You put yourself out there...be true to who you are...choose the path of least regret...and if it's not to someone's liking...well then I guess they weren't meant to be a part of your life.
I have a friend who completely dissected every minute from every date that she had with this one fellow (who subsequently disappeared). Maybe she shouldn't have talked about this...or that. Maybe she seemed too independent. Maybe she should have called him more...or less. Maybe, maybe, maybe...maybe he just wasn't really feeling it. Maybe it's like the book said "he's just not that into you".
In the end, I believe that some things should be just let go to the Universe. You put yourself out there...be true to who you are...choose the path of least regret...and if it's not to someone's liking...well then I guess they weren't meant to be a part of your life.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Day Twenty Seven-Vicinity
Actual email this morning:
"I don't go out much but I think we have a lot in common. Plus you live close by."
Wow.
I'm just hoping that I don't live THAT close by.
"I don't go out much but I think we have a lot in common. Plus you live close by."
Wow.
I'm just hoping that I don't live THAT close by.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Day Twenty Six-Special Dates
I am not a big fan of "special dates"......Valentine's Day for instance. They tend to bring back images of high school, peer pressure days and Janis Ian's "At Seventeen". That being said, I have found it to be of note that those who spout disdain over the commercialism/consumerism of "special dates" tend to be the same folk who generally make no effort to acknowledge any other random day of the year. They just like to justify their lack of effort by sounding intellectual. In general.......
My family is traditionally Japanese-American. We don't say "I love you", or hug, or openly express emotion. When I say "we" I really don't mean me because (as might have become apparent by now) I tend to be a live grenade of touchy-feely emotions. In any case, my mom used to occasionally stop at this little dress shop on her way home from work. Most of the time she didn't purchase anything for herself but she would often come home with a little toy for me. It wasn't anything expensive or elaborate...usually just a tiny stuffed doll. I still have every one of those toys that she brought home for me. Even just recalling receiving those items from her...all those many, many years ago...will bring tears to my eyes because I knew that she was thinking about me and it wasn't because it was my birthday...I didn't do anything noteworthy...I might not even have been on my best behavior that day but she wanted me to know that I was on her mind.
Words are important. Grand gestures are always lovely. A good hug is priceless. But it's amazing how just a small thoughtful act on any random day can sustain you for a lifetime.
My family is traditionally Japanese-American. We don't say "I love you", or hug, or openly express emotion. When I say "we" I really don't mean me because (as might have become apparent by now) I tend to be a live grenade of touchy-feely emotions. In any case, my mom used to occasionally stop at this little dress shop on her way home from work. Most of the time she didn't purchase anything for herself but she would often come home with a little toy for me. It wasn't anything expensive or elaborate...usually just a tiny stuffed doll. I still have every one of those toys that she brought home for me. Even just recalling receiving those items from her...all those many, many years ago...will bring tears to my eyes because I knew that she was thinking about me and it wasn't because it was my birthday...I didn't do anything noteworthy...I might not even have been on my best behavior that day but she wanted me to know that I was on her mind.
Words are important. Grand gestures are always lovely. A good hug is priceless. But it's amazing how just a small thoughtful act on any random day can sustain you for a lifetime.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Day Twenty Five-Dating Purgatory
....that's where I am currently hanging out. It's that place you end up at when you're kinda burned out on meeting people...have no new and possibly exciting adventures to look forward to...and decide to hang up your dating shoes for a while (yes, I know...I don't own any appropriate dating shoes).
It's always tempting to revisit the past when you're stewing in purgatory...call someone that you've dated previously to see what they're up to. Is that ever a good idea?
I was in a relationship with someone a number of years ago who had a reputation for being quite the ladies man........okay, he was a big slut. At the time I really wasn't sure if it was just hearsay (maybe even started by him because he also had quite the ego) but apparently it was true and to his credit he broke up with me before resuming his whoring ways. We actually worked in the same location so we would still see one another often but it was fine (I didn't harbor any ill will for being dumped).
As it turned out we were both residing in purgatory at the same time and one thing led to another and we ended up going out again. I generally follow the rule that you should never backtrack....for some reason it conjures up the image of that wad of gristly meat that you chew and chew and eventually spit out and would you really want to put it back in your mouth yet again?
Anyway, we went from our mutual purgatory hook up to getting back together. That should be the making for a lovely story to tell your grandchildren (well not the meat part) but once I was released from purgatory and back to my senses, I realized that my actions could be classified as duress from my stay in the dating semi-netherworld. It took me a few weeks to address the situation with him and in the meantime we also learned that he had fathered a child with his ex-girlfriend's best friend (who apparently thought that her boyfriend was the father until he failed a paternity test)....who he had an affair with (while still with the ex-girlfriend)....after he had convinced the ex-girlfriend to have an abortion when she had unexpectedly gotten pregnant. Now I was having images of gristly meat and Jerry Springer. Not good.
I think the moral of this story is that it's best to do whatever is necessary to entertain yourself while in purgatory other than chewing on cold, gristly meat.
It's always tempting to revisit the past when you're stewing in purgatory...call someone that you've dated previously to see what they're up to. Is that ever a good idea?
I was in a relationship with someone a number of years ago who had a reputation for being quite the ladies man........okay, he was a big slut. At the time I really wasn't sure if it was just hearsay (maybe even started by him because he also had quite the ego) but apparently it was true and to his credit he broke up with me before resuming his whoring ways. We actually worked in the same location so we would still see one another often but it was fine (I didn't harbor any ill will for being dumped).
As it turned out we were both residing in purgatory at the same time and one thing led to another and we ended up going out again. I generally follow the rule that you should never backtrack....for some reason it conjures up the image of that wad of gristly meat that you chew and chew and eventually spit out and would you really want to put it back in your mouth yet again?
Anyway, we went from our mutual purgatory hook up to getting back together. That should be the making for a lovely story to tell your grandchildren (well not the meat part) but once I was released from purgatory and back to my senses, I realized that my actions could be classified as duress from my stay in the dating semi-netherworld. It took me a few weeks to address the situation with him and in the meantime we also learned that he had fathered a child with his ex-girlfriend's best friend (who apparently thought that her boyfriend was the father until he failed a paternity test)....who he had an affair with (while still with the ex-girlfriend)....after he had convinced the ex-girlfriend to have an abortion when she had unexpectedly gotten pregnant. Now I was having images of gristly meat and Jerry Springer. Not good.
I think the moral of this story is that it's best to do whatever is necessary to entertain yourself while in purgatory other than chewing on cold, gristly meat.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Day Twenty Four-How Do You Meet Someone?
Friend: I don't know about this online dating thing.....don't you ever meet people in real time?
Me: Like where?
Friend: I dunno.....how about when you go up Koko Crater?
Me: Ummmm.....yeah, there are a LOT of guys on the mountain but I think it's become a gay pick-up spot. Besides, have you seen what I look like going up the mountain?? Sweat is flying...I can barely talk...I'm all flushed (and not in a good way). Although.....I did meet my brother's married friend on the hill.....
Friend: How about at the beach?
Me: I did meet a guy in Speedos who asked me to put lotion on his back and another guy (not in Speedos, but in tie-dye) who bore an uncanny resemblance to a less attractive version of David Crosby.
Friend: Through mutual friends?
Me: Well......my friend wants to introduce me to a friend of hers but she described him as kinda slow (which also makes me wonder what my friends think of me).
Friend: Yeah..........you're screwed.
Me: Thanks. Ummm........you might want to use a more appropriate word...just sayin'........
Me: Like where?
Friend: I dunno.....how about when you go up Koko Crater?
Me: Ummmm.....yeah, there are a LOT of guys on the mountain but I think it's become a gay pick-up spot. Besides, have you seen what I look like going up the mountain?? Sweat is flying...I can barely talk...I'm all flushed (and not in a good way). Although.....I did meet my brother's married friend on the hill.....
Friend: How about at the beach?
Me: I did meet a guy in Speedos who asked me to put lotion on his back and another guy (not in Speedos, but in tie-dye) who bore an uncanny resemblance to a less attractive version of David Crosby.
Friend: Through mutual friends?
Me: Well......my friend wants to introduce me to a friend of hers but she described him as kinda slow (which also makes me wonder what my friends think of me).
Friend: Yeah..........you're screwed.
Me: Thanks. Ummm........you might want to use a more appropriate word...just sayin'........
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Day Twenty Three-Terminology
I'm not absolutely positive, but I am relatively sure, that the term "separated" when used in regards to your current relationship status actually means that you are in the process of ending your marriage. It does not simply mean that you are now located in a different vicinity from your spouse (ie: separated by a body of water). There seems to be a large proportion of transient workers in Hawaii (military, construction, rail) who are apparently lonely and would like female company. I think the general rule of thumb is:
A profile without any photograph, the term "separated", and the notation that the person is new to the island might possibly merit a red flag.
"Separated" has all sorts of negative connotations, doesn't it? For instance, why is it that you're separated and not divorced? And how long have you been separated? If it hasn't been very long there is the whole issue of rebounding, and if it has been very long...well....we're back to the first question. It's a bit of a tricky designation. As is "Never Married". I've never been married and I'm 46. I considered fibbing and saying that I was "Divorced" because honestly...I would be wondering why someone is 46 and has never been married. Is it that they just never met the right person? Are they a pain in the a** that no one wants to marry? Is it a religious thing? Are they trying to protect the fortune that they have stashed away? Or do they just not believe in marriage? In which case, do they also not believe in monogamy?
And why is it that "Never Married" when pertaining to a man is deemed rather cool and independent but when pertaining to a woman conjures up images of 14 nappy cats and a housecoat?
A profile without any photograph, the term "separated", and the notation that the person is new to the island might possibly merit a red flag.
"Separated" has all sorts of negative connotations, doesn't it? For instance, why is it that you're separated and not divorced? And how long have you been separated? If it hasn't been very long there is the whole issue of rebounding, and if it has been very long...well....we're back to the first question. It's a bit of a tricky designation. As is "Never Married". I've never been married and I'm 46. I considered fibbing and saying that I was "Divorced" because honestly...I would be wondering why someone is 46 and has never been married. Is it that they just never met the right person? Are they a pain in the a** that no one wants to marry? Is it a religious thing? Are they trying to protect the fortune that they have stashed away? Or do they just not believe in marriage? In which case, do they also not believe in monogamy?
And why is it that "Never Married" when pertaining to a man is deemed rather cool and independent but when pertaining to a woman conjures up images of 14 nappy cats and a housecoat?
Monday, February 6, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Day Twenty Two-Good Morning
I woke up to this email:
Can you speak any other languages? It's really hot when Asian (he actually wrote "oriental") girls speak other languages.
My response:
I have a working knowledge of pidgin and I'm reasonably fluent in smart-ass. Does that count?
Seriously???
Can you speak any other languages? It's really hot when Asian (he actually wrote "oriental") girls speak other languages.
My response:
I have a working knowledge of pidgin and I'm reasonably fluent in smart-ass. Does that count?
Seriously???
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Day Twenty One-Options
I was recently talking with someone about the parameters that we set in order to find our "match". For a long time I was the person who had NO parameters. If we were attracted to one another and everything was fine (and sometimes even if it wasn't) it would turn into a relationship and one day, a few years down the road (when I actually thought about it), I would realize that this person really wasn't "the one". It was the snowball that rolled down the hill and grew from what should have been a few dates into a few years.
So that got me thinking that I really should be more proactive and make a list (no, not a literal list but at least a mental one) of qualities that I think would be highly compatible with me and perhaps lead to a lifelong (as opposed to a few years) relationship. The problem with lists like that is there are a number of people who might not possess the exact specifications on your list, but perhaps they have NEW qualities...qualities that you may not have yet encountered but that would actually be something wonderful to add to your life. Or maybe they have qualities that you feel are definite deal breakers, but given the opportunity to know the person, it really wouldn't be as big an issue as you initially thought.
For instance, I met someone who smoked. On his profile he stated that he was a non-smoker. It honestly doesn't matter to me either way, as long as he doesn't throw his cigarette butts out of the car window because that really is a deal breaker. Anyway, so he didn't smoke around me on our first date; however, on the second date we ended up on a rather long car ride. At some point the conversation led to the smoking topic and he finally admitted that he lied on the profile because he felt that he would automatically be crossed off lists everywhere based on the fact that he smoked. His argument was that if women got to know him and realized that he is a very considerate smoker, they might not have such an issue with it.
I also met someone who lied about his age on his profile. When you do a search for potential dates, it gives you various options to set...age, height, build, income, have children, want children, etc. He felt that his actual age, 42, would keep him off of searches from women that he would be compatible with (he was a very young, active 42). And actually I don't even know how I ended up on his radar because I was older than his search options.
For a while I used to think that I shouldn't date anyone with young children (because I don't have any and what the heck would I know about raising little humans when I can't even keep a plant or guppy alive?). Then I met someone with a 7-year old daughter. When our relationship ended, about a year and a half later, I was much more devastated at not seeing her than him.
As far as I can see, the only non-negotiable really is physical attraction. I even tried getting around that one thinking that perhaps attraction would develop based on how wonderful a person is in every other aspect. Big mistake.
So what is the moral of this story? I think if you've found the formula that really works for you (as far as equaling a happy relationship) then perhaps you should stick with it and the parameters that led to that equation. However if you're like me, and the equation is still a mystery, perhaps you (I) should try expanding the variables because maybe something really unexpectedly amazing is waiting around that corner that you always choose to pass.
So that got me thinking that I really should be more proactive and make a list (no, not a literal list but at least a mental one) of qualities that I think would be highly compatible with me and perhaps lead to a lifelong (as opposed to a few years) relationship. The problem with lists like that is there are a number of people who might not possess the exact specifications on your list, but perhaps they have NEW qualities...qualities that you may not have yet encountered but that would actually be something wonderful to add to your life. Or maybe they have qualities that you feel are definite deal breakers, but given the opportunity to know the person, it really wouldn't be as big an issue as you initially thought.
For instance, I met someone who smoked. On his profile he stated that he was a non-smoker. It honestly doesn't matter to me either way, as long as he doesn't throw his cigarette butts out of the car window because that really is a deal breaker. Anyway, so he didn't smoke around me on our first date; however, on the second date we ended up on a rather long car ride. At some point the conversation led to the smoking topic and he finally admitted that he lied on the profile because he felt that he would automatically be crossed off lists everywhere based on the fact that he smoked. His argument was that if women got to know him and realized that he is a very considerate smoker, they might not have such an issue with it.
I also met someone who lied about his age on his profile. When you do a search for potential dates, it gives you various options to set...age, height, build, income, have children, want children, etc. He felt that his actual age, 42, would keep him off of searches from women that he would be compatible with (he was a very young, active 42). And actually I don't even know how I ended up on his radar because I was older than his search options.
For a while I used to think that I shouldn't date anyone with young children (because I don't have any and what the heck would I know about raising little humans when I can't even keep a plant or guppy alive?). Then I met someone with a 7-year old daughter. When our relationship ended, about a year and a half later, I was much more devastated at not seeing her than him.
As far as I can see, the only non-negotiable really is physical attraction. I even tried getting around that one thinking that perhaps attraction would develop based on how wonderful a person is in every other aspect. Big mistake.
So what is the moral of this story? I think if you've found the formula that really works for you (as far as equaling a happy relationship) then perhaps you should stick with it and the parameters that led to that equation. However if you're like me, and the equation is still a mystery, perhaps you (I) should try expanding the variables because maybe something really unexpectedly amazing is waiting around that corner that you always choose to pass.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
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