Sunday, July 7, 2013
Choices
How do you make decisions? Really. I'm a little confused because for most of my life I let my "crazy" call the shots. Not the best way to make major life decisions but at least it didn't involve a lot of second guessing, soul searching, or sleepless nights. I didn't give much thought to the future because honestly......I kinda didn't think that I would be around to see it. But now...many years later, a tiny bit wiser (or not), and attempting to conduct a reasonably rational and mature existence.....I'm kinda stumped. What should I do with myself? And where should I do it? Since my "crazy" is just in remission and not completely out of the picture, I still hold a certain amount of belief in signs (yeah, go ahead and roll your eyes) but I can't just wait around for a sign which I might hopefully notice and interpret correctly. Sometimes it just seems like everyone else in the world knows exactly what to do and when to do it and I seem to have missed that day in class.
One of the hallmarks of bipolar disorder is the lack of planning. I'm sure most of my friends just chalk it up to me being the biggest flake in the world, but I've since learned that many people with the disorder have trouble making future plans. For me it was mainly because I couldn't determine just how I might be feeling say two weeks from now. I might be all excited to do a certain thing today.......then a few weeks roll by and suddenly I'm sitting in the pit of darkness and can't even pretend that I'm remotely excited because I'm way too busy trying to just get up and face the day. Or I might make plans while manic and totally forget about it once I was coming down. Or maybe it was just that the future in general was the equivalent of Oz.....this mystical wonderland that I'd heard of in stories but probably not a place that I would have the chance to visit. It's very difficult to make any plans when each day can be a complete mystery. In any case, I am not faced with that particular issue any longer (to a certain extent) however old habits die a little hard.
Maybe I'll just never be a good planner? Although.......I have been proactive in a few aspects in my life. I've been taking my car in for routine servicing. I went to the doctor for routine blood work and a check-up without being sick. I even made an appointment to see a dentist for the first time in 25+ years (yeah, that's a whole 'nother story). In many ways, I feel like I've been reborn in this 47 year-old body. I'm relearning things....even learning things for the very first time....and even things that I once thought that I knew will feel different at this point in my life. It's exciting.....and a little unnerving. It's like I've become the oldest looking twenty-something in history......I am "Big"...in reverse.
One of the hallmarks of bipolar disorder is the lack of planning. I'm sure most of my friends just chalk it up to me being the biggest flake in the world, but I've since learned that many people with the disorder have trouble making future plans. For me it was mainly because I couldn't determine just how I might be feeling say two weeks from now. I might be all excited to do a certain thing today.......then a few weeks roll by and suddenly I'm sitting in the pit of darkness and can't even pretend that I'm remotely excited because I'm way too busy trying to just get up and face the day. Or I might make plans while manic and totally forget about it once I was coming down. Or maybe it was just that the future in general was the equivalent of Oz.....this mystical wonderland that I'd heard of in stories but probably not a place that I would have the chance to visit. It's very difficult to make any plans when each day can be a complete mystery. In any case, I am not faced with that particular issue any longer (to a certain extent) however old habits die a little hard.
Maybe I'll just never be a good planner? Although.......I have been proactive in a few aspects in my life. I've been taking my car in for routine servicing. I went to the doctor for routine blood work and a check-up without being sick. I even made an appointment to see a dentist for the first time in 25+ years (yeah, that's a whole 'nother story). In many ways, I feel like I've been reborn in this 47 year-old body. I'm relearning things....even learning things for the very first time....and even things that I once thought that I knew will feel different at this point in my life. It's exciting.....and a little unnerving. It's like I've become the oldest looking twenty-something in history......I am "Big"...in reverse.
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