On a very personal note....

One of the biggest and most profound decisions that I was faced with (given my condition) was whether or not I could...........should....have children.  Please don't get me wrong......I am in no way saying that anyone who is bipolar is not capable of nurturing a family.....in MY particular case, I would likely have faced parenthood as a single parent as I had never been fortunate enough to be in a stable relationship.  This brings up an entirely different dynamic.......what would happen if I was unable to function properly?  I was known to drift off and disappear for days....but what if there was someone relying on me to be there for them?  What if I was gone?  For days or perhaps permanently?  Who could care for this little life in my absence?  And in the end, is it fair to knowingly bring a human being into this extremely unpredictable and occasionally volatile situation?  There were so many more questions and no real answers which led me to my ultimate decision that this would just not be a wise thing for me to do...........ever.

I know people all talk about womens' "biological clock".  As a child, I never once had any notion of my perfect wedding......nor any knowledge of any clock ticking within me.  For me, I think the clock was more of a realization that there is so much to life......so many emotions to experience.....so many dreams to share......ideas to discuss......laughter to engage in.  There was no clock telling me that I needed to do something in a certain time frame but there was always a deep rooted feeling that the most profound experience in life had to be in the absolute sharing of such.  I could see and experience the most wonderful, breathtaking things to ever grace this earth but they would somehow lose their beauty if I couldn't share it with another human being.

Sometimes it's difficult to find meaning in your existence when it only deals with yourself.  Yes, there are friends, family.....even perfect strangers who can touch your life in any given moment.  It never felt quite complete though.  In this age of social media, I derive HUGE amounts of pleasure seeing photographs of my friends with their families.  It's my own form of vicarious parenthood.  And then one day, very recently, it suddenly dawned on me.  I may not have raised my own child but there are so many people out there to truly love.....beyond birth rights.....beyond genetics.......beyond race, age, time......sharing love....giving of what is the essential part of YOU goes beyond all that and every one of us is able to participate.  I am fully aware that parenthood is something completely separate from all else and yes, I will probably always have a melancholy vacancy in my heart and soul from never knowing this first hand; however, I think the day when you can come to terms with this knowledge and realize that you still have much to give and learn.....share and experience......and most of all to love, without expectations but simply and purely.......then the battle really is won.

love. that's all.

Choices

How do you make decisions?  Really.  I'm a little confused because for most of my life I let my "crazy" call the shots.  Not the best way to make major life decisions but at least it didn't involve a lot of second guessing, soul searching, or sleepless nights.  I didn't give much thought to the future because honestly......I kinda didn't think that I would be around to see it.  But now...many years later, a tiny bit wiser (or not), and attempting to conduct a reasonably rational and mature existence.....I'm kinda stumped.  What should I do with myself?  And where should I do it? Since my "crazy" is just in remission and not completely out of the picture, I still hold a certain amount of belief in signs (yeah, go ahead and roll your eyes) but I can't just wait around for a sign which I might hopefully notice and interpret correctly.  Sometimes it just seems like everyone else in the world knows exactly what to do and when to do it and I seem to have missed that day in class.

One of the hallmarks of bipolar disorder is the lack of planning.  I'm sure most of my friends just chalk it up to me being the biggest flake in the world, but I've since learned that many people with the disorder have trouble making future plans.  For me it was mainly because I couldn't determine just how I might be feeling say two weeks from now.  I might be all excited to do a certain thing today.......then a few weeks roll by and suddenly I'm sitting in the pit of darkness and can't even pretend that I'm remotely excited because I'm way too busy trying to just get up and face the day.  Or I might make plans while manic and totally forget about it once I was coming down.  Or maybe it was just that the future in general was the equivalent of Oz.....this mystical wonderland that I'd heard of in stories but probably not a place that I would have the chance to visit.  It's very difficult to make any plans when each day can be a complete mystery.  In any case, I am not faced with that particular issue any longer (to a certain extent) however old habits die a little hard.

Maybe I'll just never be a good planner?  Although.......I have been proactive in a few aspects in my life.  I've been taking my car in for routine servicing.  I went to the doctor for routine blood work and a check-up without being sick.  I even made an appointment to see a dentist for the first time in 25+ years (yeah, that's a whole 'nother story). In many ways, I feel like I've been reborn in this 47 year-old body.  I'm relearning things....even learning things for the very first time....and even things that I once thought that I knew will feel different at this point in my life.  It's exciting.....and a little unnerving.  It's like I've become the oldest looking twenty-something in history......I am "Big"...in reverse.

crazy

I like to refer to my disorder as my "crazy".  I do realize that's not a particularly politically correct term but it works for me.  I treat it as another entity......sort of like my imaginary frenemy.  For much of my life, my crazy and I were in constant battle for domination but in recent years, we've reached a peaceful truce for control.  Maybe we're both just getting old and tired of fighting.
I bring this up because, like you, I'm often rather frightened by the "crazy" lady walking down the street, pushing her doll in a baby carriage, while cussing and occasionally screaming to herself or the world.  But really.....the difference between that lady and myself is minimal at best.  We both (one would assume) have some type of biological imbalance and were it not for the love and support of my family, most especially my mom, I could have easily gone in her direction.  Just because we each have our "crazy" doesn't mean that she (or others like her) won't scare me but I probably do view her in a slightly more empathetic way than others might.
We are all just one biological malfunction away from illness.....whether it be psychiatric or physiological.  No one chooses to have their "crazy".  For a long time, I was under the misconception that I should somehow be able to shake myself out of it......that it was a sort of mental weakness on my part.  It's difficult enough to navigate through the myriad of twists and turns associated with bipolar disorder and to do so weighed down by guilt and embarrassment can be completely self-defeating.  To this day I still lie when I fill out those personal history forms at the doctor's office.  No.  No history of psychiatric treatment.  Nope.  In my defense, I'm not on any medication any longer so there is no danger of conflicting pharmaceuticals and on the rare occasion when I might need to take medication, I do always note the possible side effects.  Maybe one day I won't feel the need to lie and hide.  I have finally stopped doing it in my personal life so there is always hope.
There is a John Prine song about aging called "Hello In There".  It makes me think about anyone who is somehow trapped.....either inside a body or inside a mind.
"So if you're walking down the street sometime
And spot some hollow ancient eyes,
Please don't just pass 'em by and stare
As if you didn't care, say, 'Hello in there, hello'"

I'm back......

I'm considering resurrecting the blog but there's the issue of subject matter.  I (thankfully for me) no longer have dating mis-adventures to share and (thankfully for my sweetie) I do have a minute amount of discretion that would prevent me from crossing the TMI line regarding our relationship.

The other option involves my bipolar condition.  Since I have become much more open about my disorder, I have met other people sailing in similar boats and that has been an invaluable source of humor and wisdom for me.  It's not a funny condition to be in but I do know that as long as I can still laugh (even if it's a dark, warped, twisted laugh), I'm doing just fine.

So back to the relationship part.  This is the first time that I've ever been in a long distance relationship..........although....when I lived in Long Beach, I did date someone who lived in East LA which really should constitute a long distance relationship in more ways than just miles.

The upside to being in a long distance relationship:

1.  You don't need to shave all the time.

2.  If you're one of those get-in-trouble-for-shopping-all-the-timers, you could easily get away with buying new things because your partner never really sees your closet.

3.  If you get a bad haircut/color, it'll be kinda grown out by the next time that you see them.

4.  You have a lot more Pinterest time.

5.  You never really fight........well, unless you count the times when your boyfriend refuses your Words With Friends request for a rematch.

6.  There's no need to be embarrassed if you're having intestinal issues one day.

7.  You appreciate your time together much more.

The downside to being in a long distance relationship:

1.  Is it "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "Out of sight, out of mind"?

2.  Those days when you just need a hug.

3.  Your "Contact in case of emergency" would need to catch a plane before they could be there.

4.  You can't take your cute shoes with you in the interest of packing space in your carry-on.

5.  No one to stop you from breaking something in the process of trying to "fix" it.

6.  Also no one to kill large, creepy bugs.

7.  But most of all, not being with your favorite person in the world.