On a very personal note....

One of the biggest and most profound decisions that I was faced with (given my condition) was whether or not I could...........should....have children.  Please don't get me wrong......I am in no way saying that anyone who is bipolar is not capable of nurturing a family.....in MY particular case, I would likely have faced parenthood as a single parent as I had never been fortunate enough to be in a stable relationship.  This brings up an entirely different dynamic.......what would happen if I was unable to function properly?  I was known to drift off and disappear for days....but what if there was someone relying on me to be there for them?  What if I was gone?  For days or perhaps permanently?  Who could care for this little life in my absence?  And in the end, is it fair to knowingly bring a human being into this extremely unpredictable and occasionally volatile situation?  There were so many more questions and no real answers which led me to my ultimate decision that this would just not be a wise thing for me to do...........ever.

I know people all talk about womens' "biological clock".  As a child, I never once had any notion of my perfect wedding......nor any knowledge of any clock ticking within me.  For me, I think the clock was more of a realization that there is so much to life......so many emotions to experience.....so many dreams to share......ideas to discuss......laughter to engage in.  There was no clock telling me that I needed to do something in a certain time frame but there was always a deep rooted feeling that the most profound experience in life had to be in the absolute sharing of such.  I could see and experience the most wonderful, breathtaking things to ever grace this earth but they would somehow lose their beauty if I couldn't share it with another human being.

Sometimes it's difficult to find meaning in your existence when it only deals with yourself.  Yes, there are friends, family.....even perfect strangers who can touch your life in any given moment.  It never felt quite complete though.  In this age of social media, I derive HUGE amounts of pleasure seeing photographs of my friends with their families.  It's my own form of vicarious parenthood.  And then one day, very recently, it suddenly dawned on me.  I may not have raised my own child but there are so many people out there to truly love.....beyond birth rights.....beyond genetics.......beyond race, age, time......sharing love....giving of what is the essential part of YOU goes beyond all that and every one of us is able to participate.  I am fully aware that parenthood is something completely separate from all else and yes, I will probably always have a melancholy vacancy in my heart and soul from never knowing this first hand; however, I think the day when you can come to terms with this knowledge and realize that you still have much to give and learn.....share and experience......and most of all to love, without expectations but simply and purely.......then the battle really is won.

I'm back......

I'm considering resurrecting the blog but there's the issue of subject matter.  I (thankfully for me) no longer have dating mis-adventures to share and (thankfully for my sweetie) I do have a minute amount of discretion that would prevent me from crossing the TMI line regarding our relationship.

The other option involves my bipolar condition.  Since I have become much more open about my disorder, I have met other people sailing in similar boats and that has been an invaluable source of humor and wisdom for me.  It's not a funny condition to be in but I do know that as long as I can still laugh (even if it's a dark, warped, twisted laugh), I'm doing just fine.

So back to the relationship part.  This is the first time that I've ever been in a long distance relationship..........although....when I lived in Long Beach, I did date someone who lived in East LA which really should constitute a long distance relationship in more ways than just miles.

The upside to being in a long distance relationship:

1.  You don't need to shave all the time.

2.  If you're one of those get-in-trouble-for-shopping-all-the-timers, you could easily get away with buying new things because your partner never really sees your closet.

3.  If you get a bad haircut/color, it'll be kinda grown out by the next time that you see them.

4.  You have a lot more Pinterest time.

5.  You never really fight........well, unless you count the times when your boyfriend refuses your Words With Friends request for a rematch.

6.  There's no need to be embarrassed if you're having intestinal issues one day.

7.  You appreciate your time together much more.

The downside to being in a long distance relationship:

1.  Is it "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "Out of sight, out of mind"?

2.  Those days when you just need a hug.

3.  Your "Contact in case of emergency" would need to catch a plane before they could be there.

4.  You can't take your cute shoes with you in the interest of packing space in your carry-on.

5.  No one to stop you from breaking something in the process of trying to "fix" it.

6.  Also no one to kill large, creepy bugs.

7.  But most of all, not being with your favorite person in the world.

Day Fifty Three - Communication

The online dating world seems to be separated into two general segments (sorta like right and left lobes of the brain).  On one side are those who seem to want to meet immediately.  No foreplay email to get a glimpse of just who this person might be.....just look at some photographs, say "hi", and let's meet.  That makes me a little uncomfortable.  I'm not sure if it's because:
1.  I want to at least have a general feel for someone before agreeing to meet them in person.
2.  Possibly Google them to see if they might be on any offensive list or indiscreetly posting naked pictures of themselves (or others).
3.  Or because I'm thinking that they might be incapable of writing a decent paragraph.
And while there apparently are people (on the other lobe) who want to exclusively communicate via email and/or text and never actually meet in person (yeah, I know.....just as telling and odd in its own way) which would be okay if I was interested in a pen pal but otherwise a little unfulfilling to say the least.......I have found that I may be more.....or even initially attracted to someone with interesting writing skills.
This is a relatively new discovery for me.  No one writes letters any longer.  We talk on the phone....write little snippet text messages....perhaps a quick email....but when is the last time that you wrote to someone who you see regularly in your life?  I mean REALLY write....ask questions....dig deeper....express something that you wouldn't normally bring up in day to day conversation.  Are we starting to lose our communication skills?
I had a pen pal in grade school.  I no longer remember her name or much about her letters (I don't save things) but I do recall that she lived in Iowa (which seemed very Little House on the Prairie to me so I imagined that my pen pal was Laura Ingalls Wilder) and had large, loopy handwriting.  My mom used to correspond with her sister (who lived on Maui) for much of their adult life.  I remember seeing the incoming and outgoing letters and the excitement that my mom would have when a new letter arrived.  She would always save reading it for that brief quiet time that she had between work and the busy household.  I would peak in her room and see her sitting at her desk reading.....pages too...not just a brief one page letter but pages of handwriting.  The letters went back and forth until my aunt passed away a few years ago.
Where am I going with this thread?  What constitutes and sustains attraction?  I posted this quote a little while back:
"For a relationship to stay alive, love alone is not enough.  Without imagination, love stales into sentiment, duty, boredom.  Relationships fail not because we have stopped loving but because we first stopped imagining."
Perhaps when we step out of our box and experiment with various means of expression and communication we may be able to see much more of individuals than we ever could have otherwise.

Day Fifty-Taxi cabs

I have a male friend who is the stereotypical "confirmed bachelor".  No, not confirmed bachelor as in he is asexual, but confirmed bachelor as in he has just never wanted to be in a committed relationship.  He's an intelligent, witty, attractive guy with a good career and income, so needless to say, he doesn't have any trouble with dating.  We would at times discuss his current partner and for the most part they were all the female version of him.....intelligent, witty, attractive women.  So one day I asked him why he never got serious with any of them.
He said he just never felt the need to be in that deep of a relationship. He didn't want children....he appreciated his time to himself....and he didn't see how taking that next step with someone would enhance his life in any way.  Hmmmmm.......I had to ponder that one for a while.  Why do we get into relationships???  I always assumed that it is basic human nature. We want to connect with someone...form bonds...romanticize the notion of a partnership.  But is it imperative to living a full life?  For him it wasn't.  I always compared the depth of exchange involved with dating as opposed to a committed relationship to be that of getting a really cool toy but if you're only dating you're not allowed to take it out of the box.  It's there and it's great and even fun in it's own way, but I would much rather take it out and play with it....check out every little detail....maybe take it apart and attempt to put it back together.....no matter how great the toy was, if I couldn't bond with it and know it's hidden secrets there was some facet missing.
And then it happened.  One day we attended the same wedding and there he was with a date....except she wasn't just a date...she was his girlfriend!  At least that's how he introduced her.  So of course, a couple days later I had to get the details.  He said it was like one day he woke up and his light was on.  I had mentioned to him an episode of Sex and the City where they compared single men to cabs.  A cab (man) can be driving round and round picking up and dropping off countless fares (women) and if you happen to be the next woman who gets in just when he turns his light on then you will be the "relationship fare".  It doesn't matter how great the woman is....if the light is not on then he is just not ready for that particular fare.  It's all a matter of timing and chance.
I asked him if she was in any way different from all the previous non-relationship women and really.......she wasn't.  Yes, she was intelligent, witty, and attractive but so were many of the others.  I always assumed that if I was dating someone and they drove off at that deciding point in time then it was something to do with me (doesn't everyone think that?). Are men and women THAT different?  It can't ALL be about timing?  There has to be more to it than that.  He insisted that was it.....his light came on and she got in and now they're married.
Maybe even those decisions that we think we have come up with on our own are really subject to chance.  Maybe if you met someone 59 days ago things would be completely different?  What about 174 days ago?  Or what about that day your phone died so you couldn't receive any messages?  Or perhaps if you didn't have that particular conversation? Or if you chose to wear a red shirt on Friday?  Or that you just decided to respond to an email because they used the word "eclectic"?  Maybe there is something to all those seemingly random choices that we make......it's just that we never get to view the alternate Universe where all the other possibilities take place.