Day Fifty Five - Is It Really Greener or Just a Different Shade of Green?

A while back I got involved with a fellow who most of my friends were a bit surprised to see me with.  He was a relatively conservative person (in appearance and philosophy) and a bit reserved.....kind of your stereotypical nerdy guy.  I, on the other hand, am none of the above (definitely geeky but not smart enough to be nerdy), hence the general surprise.  We got along well and things seemed to be flowing smoothly.......until one day he dumped me.  At the time he chalked it up to "not being ready for a serious relationship".
Then about 6-7 months down the road I received a voicemail from him wanting to get together.  After breaking up, we really had no contact whatsoever so this was yet another surprise but I figured that perhaps with the passage of time, he might be hoping that we could now be platonic friends.  Wrong conclusion.  Turns out that he apparently had a change of heart....but not for the reasons that you might be thinking.
Basically he said that he had never really dated much and when we got involved a lot of his friends were surprised when they met me.  So that got him thinking that since I was interested in him....who else might be interested in him?  Suddenly he felt like his door to the world of women had been flung wide open and there were all these potential possibilities awaiting him.  So he dumped me.
I do have to give him credit for disclosing that rather unsavory explanation to me.....it didn't really paint a lovely portrait of himself and it also didn't in any way get me to go out with him again but still it was a nice gesture.  It did also lead me to mull over that particular concept because it does seem like the grass is always greener over there to some people.  Why is that?  Instead of feeling like the luckiest person on the planet, why do some people only think that perhaps they could be even luckier with someone else?
I recently read an article about whether or not men know when they are in love.  The majority of respondents fell into the category of "Yes.....but usually only when under threat of break-up or after the actual break-up". In the same sort of ambivalent vein.....in the last few weeks I've received messages from three fellows who I dated at one time (why do things happen in threes?).  I haven't seen any of the three in many months....perhaps over a year.  Two were "I miss you....can I see you?" messages and the third remains a mystery.  I know what you're thinking. Booty call attempt.  Yeah, that's what I was thinking too and really now....are they thinking:
1.  Oh yeah....I was THAT great that she'll definitely want to hook up with me again.
2.  I'm THAT desperate....let me go down my entire phone list and see who says yes.
3.  She DID have a bad memory.
This all makes me think of that Groucho Marx quote of not wanting to belong to a club that would accept me for a member.  Is that what it is? If someone wants to buy my car for $1000 then maybe someone else will give me $1500?  I think it might be a sign that I was never very good at driving in reverse.

Day Fifty-Taxi cabs

I have a male friend who is the stereotypical "confirmed bachelor".  No, not confirmed bachelor as in he is asexual, but confirmed bachelor as in he has just never wanted to be in a committed relationship.  He's an intelligent, witty, attractive guy with a good career and income, so needless to say, he doesn't have any trouble with dating.  We would at times discuss his current partner and for the most part they were all the female version of him.....intelligent, witty, attractive women.  So one day I asked him why he never got serious with any of them.
He said he just never felt the need to be in that deep of a relationship. He didn't want children....he appreciated his time to himself....and he didn't see how taking that next step with someone would enhance his life in any way.  Hmmmmm.......I had to ponder that one for a while.  Why do we get into relationships???  I always assumed that it is basic human nature. We want to connect with someone...form bonds...romanticize the notion of a partnership.  But is it imperative to living a full life?  For him it wasn't.  I always compared the depth of exchange involved with dating as opposed to a committed relationship to be that of getting a really cool toy but if you're only dating you're not allowed to take it out of the box.  It's there and it's great and even fun in it's own way, but I would much rather take it out and play with it....check out every little detail....maybe take it apart and attempt to put it back together.....no matter how great the toy was, if I couldn't bond with it and know it's hidden secrets there was some facet missing.
And then it happened.  One day we attended the same wedding and there he was with a date....except she wasn't just a date...she was his girlfriend!  At least that's how he introduced her.  So of course, a couple days later I had to get the details.  He said it was like one day he woke up and his light was on.  I had mentioned to him an episode of Sex and the City where they compared single men to cabs.  A cab (man) can be driving round and round picking up and dropping off countless fares (women) and if you happen to be the next woman who gets in just when he turns his light on then you will be the "relationship fare".  It doesn't matter how great the woman is....if the light is not on then he is just not ready for that particular fare.  It's all a matter of timing and chance.
I asked him if she was in any way different from all the previous non-relationship women and really.......she wasn't.  Yes, she was intelligent, witty, and attractive but so were many of the others.  I always assumed that if I was dating someone and they drove off at that deciding point in time then it was something to do with me (doesn't everyone think that?). Are men and women THAT different?  It can't ALL be about timing?  There has to be more to it than that.  He insisted that was it.....his light came on and she got in and now they're married.
Maybe even those decisions that we think we have come up with on our own are really subject to chance.  Maybe if you met someone 59 days ago things would be completely different?  What about 174 days ago?  Or what about that day your phone died so you couldn't receive any messages?  Or perhaps if you didn't have that particular conversation? Or if you chose to wear a red shirt on Friday?  Or that you just decided to respond to an email because they used the word "eclectic"?  Maybe there is something to all those seemingly random choices that we make......it's just that we never get to view the alternate Universe where all the other possibilities take place.

Day Forty Eight-Chemistry

I recently read an article about chemistry and dating that included the following points:
1.  "Women want to date men who smell like their fathers."  I really don't recall my dad having any particular scent (except for the occasional Old Spice aftershave...which really just triggers the "old man smell" flashback).  He used to smell like cigarettes (which doesn't appeal to me in the least) and sometimes a bit grubby (which also doesn't appeal to me); however, I do have vivid memories of every one of his t-shirts having banana goo stains on them.  Does that count?
2.  "Being on hormonal birth control can change a woman's taste in men." Apparently the hormone in pills can lead you to choose men with more pronounced masculine features (uh.....WTH does that mean?  Hairier backs?  Arnold Schwarzenegger jaws?  They can't possibly be intending to head down to the nether region with that comment...can they?) and manly traits are linked to high testosterone levels (aggressive behavior, higher divorce rates).  BUT then in the next paragraph they say:
Look for someone whose hand features a long fourth finger (a ring finger that is longer than the index finger).  This supposedly indicates a higher testosterone level in the womb and will correlate to a man who tends to be logical, decisive, and ambitious.  Hmmmmmmm........both my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers...what does THAT mean?  I'm certainly not very logical, decisive, or ambitious and I really hope that I don't exhibit any masculine physical traits.....
3.  "Adrenaline helps you bond with your date quickly."  So why is it when you sleep with someone on the first date (a MAJOR adrenaline rush), it tends to destroy any potential bond?

Day Forty Seven-Interpretation

I've mentioned several times about my obsession with signs.  I really do believe that the Universe sends us hints in the form of signs....coincidences....serendipity......unfortunately, to this day, I really have no idea on how to interpret those signs and sometimes it just kills me.
For instance, within the past few weeks I've had several misters from the past suddenly reappear.  POOF....out of the blue.  One sent a text...one of those "how have you been?" texts....another appeared in person....today I literally nearly ran into one merging onto the freeway....and then finally one who I blogged about (Agent J) appeared in my email inbox because apparently he is back on the dating site (no...don't worry, I won't bother him again).  WTF does it all mean???  Is it just random coincidences with no meaning whatsoever?  Is the Universe trying to tell me something? And if so, why can't the Universe spell it out clearly in Arial font size 12???
A few years ago I lost four very dear friends within about a year's time. All were near my age (or younger) and all happened rather suddenly and unexpectedly.  I had to take that as some sort of sign.  Besides the grief of losing people that I loved, I also felt the grief of things left unsaid. Everyone always says "I'm sure they knew how you felt.".......and, for the most part, I am sure that's correct.....but then why do I still feel regret at not having expressed those things?
So I took the message from that difficult time to mean that I need to consciously live my life with the absolute least amount of regret humanly possible.  Say too much....feel too much....try too much:
"I must learn to love the fool in me...the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.  It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool."
And while I am glad that I have come to this conclusion, it still doesn't explain the recent blast from the past as far as dating.  I realize that I live on an island but it still seems like way too much coincidence in a compacted amount of time.  If you figure it out, please let me know. Thank you.

Day Forty Six-Contemplation on Forever

I recently had a conversation with a girlfriend about why I, at 46, am still single.  On the one hand, I am flattered that people will actually question why it is...I'm assuming (hopefully accurately) that they ask because they think that I am a suitable enough catch to be in a happy relationship.  I think that I'm a relatively good catch.......save for the medical disorder (which I generally have under control)....the eccentricities (none of which are particularly frightening or life-threatening)....and the sixth toe sprouting from my left foot (it can be concealed in shoes)........I did say that I was a RELATIVELY (key word) good catch.
So my friend theorized that everyone has their wants.  What is it that you want in a partner?  Some go for stability...someone with a good career, looking to have a family, buy a nice house, save for retirement.  Others go for their twin...someone exactly like them, have the same hobbies, participate in the same activities, like the same food.  Others go for the emotional rush...someone who will push their buttons, keep them constantly on their toes, lots of great make-up sex.  She said it's much easier to find a match for your wants if your wants are pretty basic but when your wants fall in the realm of strange, mystical, metaphysical match-ups......well........it can be rather tricky and for the most part unfulfilled.  "Jody, you probably would be married by now if you were simply looking for a smart, funny guy with a decent career and maybe a dog....but you're always looking for something else....something indescribable."
Everyone always says that "you will just know" when you meet the right person for you.  WTF does that mean??  Do they smell right?  Or maybe it's because they DON'T smell?  Is it something they say?  Or do?  Do you know right away?  Or does it take months?  Years?  I'm probably really confused by it all because I've never been "in love".  No, I'm not a coldhearted bastard....I've loved many, many people throughout my life....but "in love"?  My qualification of in love would mean that you could see forever with this person.  I have never felt forever....I've felt next month....next year....even maybe a couple of years from now.......just not forever.
And sometimes I think that the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to find that person who fills the wants.  Perhaps because I've learned to fill most of them on my own at this point....a partner would probably have to bring something that I didn't even realize that I wanted and/or needed.  And how do you then ask/look for something when you don't even know what it is yet?  That's where the strange, mystical, metaphysical stuff comes in.  I told my friend that I could probably give her a very general idea of someone who I'd like to meet but honestly, I think the person that might be my forever is someone that I only know in my soul.  Is that the key?  Touch someone's soul and everything else falls into place?

Day Forty Five-Shark Bait

Conversation with friend:
Friend:  How did your date go?
Me:  Really well.
Friend:  Wow.....that's a first!  Ummm...maybe we should work on your game now.
Me:  Meh......I don't think I need a game.
Friend:  How long have you been single now? I think you need game.  You know that even those guys who insist that they have no game, really do....they are just unaware that they're playing it.  It's like fishing and you're throwing all your bait in the water at once so the only thing that seems to attract are shark.
Me:  I would rather make a total jackass of myself by saying too much or being too accessible than to try and play "the game" and have second thoughts and regrets.  After a little bit of time goes by I'll forget the jackass feeling but I will never be able to live my life filled with regrets...........but if I get eaten by a shark feel free to shoot it.

Day Forty Three-Need To Know Basis

So....I am under the impression that there is just NEVER a good time to divulge certain types of information.  You can wait and wait....and wait for that ideal moment, but some statements, for instance:  "I think we should see other people." or "I slept with your best friend." or "I have this little, pus-oozing sore..." will never be taken well regardless of timing. So when should you reveal certain (less traumatizing) truths?
I am wondering because, as I've mentioned, I am bipolar.  Does it show, you ask?  Not generally (but of course, that is my opinion), however there are times...like the past few weeks for instance...when I may feel the need to lay low...like REALLY low...because I simply lack the energy to do much more than the basics required to get by.  If I make plans with you, odds are quite good that I will also cancel these plans...but odds are even better that I just won't make them in the first place.  I may seem distant...distracted...sometimes not so much...sometimes much, much more......hard to say really (and yes, I am intentionally being rather vague).
Since I have never really discussed my disorder with anyone in my life until recently, I am at a bit of a loss.  Do I owe people who might potentially get involved with me a warning?  Or is this equivalent to say.....wearing a hairpiece or a padded bra?  Is it on a similar scale of deception?  I've gotten involved with someone who changed their behavior quite a bit over the course of months...but I suppose that's the "normal" dating protocol?  Would you feel deceived if someone you were dating hid things from you?  But then, when should it matter to know?
Or does it all come down to the Marilyn Monroe quote:  "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.  But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
In the dating world we all get to know one another on our best behavior, so in a way, we all have our fingers crossed behind our backs.  Is that what eventually determines love?  The day the mask cracks and you realize that this is still the most wonderful person in the world?

Day Forty One-The Laws of Attraction

Do you ever wonder what exactly controls who we are attracted to?  I'm wondering.  I mean, you can make a short....or long....list of all the qualities that you believe will lead to a happy relationship but does that really guarantee anything?  Or is it all a big crapshoot?
I know people who set out with their list in hand...found someone who met all the prerequisites...got married........and are now divorced.  I also know people who met someone by chance...married after a brief, whirlwind courtship........and are still married.  Some of my friends say it's important to marry your best friend.  Some say that you shouldn't share everything with your partner.  If you could create an "ideal" partner for your lifetime, would you create the person who you're currently with?
I've been pondering these questions because lately it seems to me that my own attractions seem to have absolutely no rhyme or reason.  I've met smart, funny men who I'm pretty sure that I should be quite happy and honored to spend time with....but I'm not.  And then I've met odd, quirky men who most would say that I should run screaming from (okay, maybe not literally screaming) but whose company I enjoy and look forward to having.  Am I THAT messed up?  Am I intentionally sabotaging myself??  Or is it something out of my control?
Why do we connect with some people and not with others?
I read an article discussing reincarnation which suggested that perhaps we go through each lifetime meeting the same group of souls who will help guide us through our travels.  The notion was that we will always feel a kinship with these people as they enter our lives in their various incarnations....hence forming relationships with some as opposed to others....you might seemingly be the completely WRONG person for me, but I feel this undeniable connection to you.  If this whole run into the same souls thing is true, I REALLY wish this lifetime would send me a smart, kind, funny, hot, generous guy with oodles of money........meh, who am I kidding...I'll settle for just one of the above....

Day Twenty Five-Dating Purgatory

....that's where I am currently hanging out.  It's that place you end up at when you're kinda burned out on meeting people...have no new and possibly exciting adventures to look forward to...and decide to hang up your dating shoes for a while (yes, I know...I don't own any appropriate dating shoes).
It's always tempting to revisit the past when you're stewing in purgatory...call someone that you've dated previously to see what they're up to.  Is that ever a good idea?
I was in a relationship with someone a number of years ago who had a reputation for being quite the ladies man........okay, he was a big slut.  At the time I really wasn't sure if it was just hearsay (maybe even started by him because he also had quite the ego) but apparently it was true and to his credit he broke up with me before resuming his whoring ways.  We actually worked in the same location so we would still see one another often but it was fine (I didn't harbor any ill will for being dumped).
As it turned out we were both residing in purgatory at the same time and one thing led to another and we ended up going out again.  I generally follow the rule that you should never backtrack....for some reason it conjures up the image of that wad of gristly meat that you chew and chew and eventually spit out and would you really want to put it back in your mouth yet again?
Anyway, we went from our mutual purgatory hook up to getting back together.  That should be the making for a lovely story to tell your grandchildren (well not the meat part) but once I was released from purgatory and back to my senses, I realized that my actions could be classified as duress from my stay in the dating semi-netherworld.  It took me a few weeks to address the situation with him and in the meantime we also learned that he had fathered a child with his ex-girlfriend's best friend (who apparently thought that her boyfriend was the father until he failed a paternity test)....who he had an affair with (while still with the ex-girlfriend)....after he had convinced the ex-girlfriend to have an abortion when she had unexpectedly gotten pregnant.  Now I was having images of gristly meat and Jerry Springer.  Not good.
I think the moral of this story is that it's best to do whatever is necessary to entertain yourself while in purgatory other than chewing on cold, gristly meat.

Day Thirteen-Probation

I believe the Universal Dating Rule is that there is a probationary period (like with a new job).  It varies slightly from person to person but what I'm lead to understand is that the first few dates (let's say, less than six) is the Acute Probationary Period.  At this time either party can simply disappear (not return calls, text, emails) for any reason and none need be provided (unless you choose to).  Is there any good way to be told that you're just not someone's cup of tea?  I'm thinking no......not so much.
If you make it past the Acute Probationary Period you then enter into the Regular Probationary Period (let's say, three months).  During this time it is required (and in good taste) to provide a reason for dismissal...documentation, while it could substantiate a case, is not needed and could actually lead to further discussion which is not always a good thing at this point.
A number of years back I dated Boeing Guy.  We went out for oh....about 4-5 dates...we spoke often on the phone...things were looking good. During one of our phone calls he mentioned that he once went out with a woman for about two months and things were going really well and then POOF...she vanished.  No returned calls...no explanation...never saw her again.  It baffled him, but whatcha gonna do?  Well, about a week after this story POOF...he vanished.  No returned call...no explanation...never saw him again.  I came to the conclusion that they were both abducted by the same strain of aliens and were now being subjected to various, unspeakable experiments, but hey! at least he knows what happened to her now.
I've been cut from the roster and sent back down to the minor leagues during Acute Probationary Period countless times...some were totally expected and actually appreciated...and some were surprising and have lead me to making up various stories to explain the disappearance:  (the preceding alien abduction story), the disfiguring car accident and now hiding from the world story, the head trauma and subsequent amnesia story (without the part where Sandra Bullock makes up a story that she's your fiance), the witness protection story, and the got drunk and married in Vegas over the weekend story.  I have a few more specific to the individual (and am constantly creating new ones on an as needed basis). In any case, the stories are simply to distract from what could otherwise be a bit of a self-esteem shrinker....although...as I've gotten older (and dated more...and more...and more...) I've learned to keep my perspective.  In the same way that not every guy out there is the right guy for me specifically (even as much as he could be a fantastic, wonderful human being)...I can't be the right woman for every guy that I might be interested in.  That's the big catch isn't it?  Sometimes it's all a matter of millimeters and nanoseconds with a bit of serendipity.

Day Twelve-Food for Thought?

I just read this in an article:
"When someone is available and decent something inside of us knows (this person) can get to our nest, our soul - the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most.  And our unconscious gets panicked.  If you find yourself breaking up with someone awesome for no good reason, check yourself; you might be acting out of fear.  After all, real love is a big deal.  It involves a leap of faith, and that can be a scary thing.  Those who give in to the Wave fall out of love before they even give themselves a chance to fall properly in love, and that's kind of sad."
Or then again, maybe you're just not really into them.

Day Five-No Scrubs (thanks Sandra)

The best part about doing the lung-busting, heart attack-inducing trek up the tracks at Kokohead is that Kona Brewing Company is there to greet you at the bottom.  One evening as I was having my post trek beer, a 20-something kid started a conversation with me at the bar....okay, conversation might be a bit of a stretch....he said "hi".  Since all his 20-something buddies were at a table watching him, I thought I'd give the young man a break and engaged in conversation....okay, once again a bit of a stretch, but you get my drift.
Perhaps because at this point I had more than one beer...or perhaps because I was impressed that the young man actually came up to me at the bar after his buddies were all mocking him...or (most likely) because the young man was a really cute blonde surfer kid AND I had more than one beer, I gave him my number.
Note to self:
1).  If you meet someone while slightly under the influence, you definitely should engage in actual conversation before agreeing to meet for dinner (we did so via text).
2).  Cute will NEVER make up for intelligence (or lack thereof).
3).  If someone says they will meet you at a destination it doesn't necessarily mean that they are considering your safety and ability to leave at any time.....it might actually mean that they DON'T OWN A CAR.
I know what you are all thinking...the only reason to go out with anyone 20 years younger (whether you are a man or woman) is for sex.  
4).  The older I get, the less that sexual attraction is based on simple physical attraction.
But even if you're intelligent, witty, and thoughtful, I'm still not riding on the back of your moped.....