New things

So initially this blog started as a means to share my trials and tribulations in the dating world.....it has since been on hiatus as I refocus my perspective and honestly my refocused perspective is likely to be somewhat random musings from my generally unfocused train of thoughts such as:

I've never been an athlete...or particularly athletic.  I ran for a long time...not very quickly but more for distance as well as biking for transportation.  I've recently taken up CrossFit and while the name itself can immediately cause some to roll their eyes at the "cult" that CrossFit has become I really don't care because I LOVE it...and my non-athleticism is the very reason why.

My primary goal for exercising has always been twofold:

1.  I have learned that intense physical activity helps to regulate the chemicals that my body is not regulating on its own...basically it has taken the place of the medication that I was on to control my bipolar symptoms.  It's definitely not a "cure" but one of several things that I've discovered which will help to keep me off of lifelong medication.
2.  I am inordinately fond of Spam musubis, cheesecake, wine, and Belgian beers and I don't want to become overweight.  No, I have not joined the affiliated cult of Paleo, clean-eaters.

And that's pretty much it.  I think probably 92% of people out there exercising are doing it for reason #2 (minus the Spam and booze)....and that might be a low estimate.  What I have found in CrossFit is that for the first time in my nearly 50 years I could care less what size I am or could possibly become or if I can fit into that old pair of jeans that I've been carting around even though I haven't fit them in 22 years or even about the persistent stomach pooch that I once even attempted to have frozen away.  What I am focused on is becoming stronger and fitter.  I look at the people in my class and I don't see whether or not their stomach sticks out or if their thighs jiggle but I do see how STRONG they are and the work that they put in to get there.  I no longer feel like I'm exercising as much as working towards this long term goal of building myself up both physically and mentally.

I could list all the known benefits of weightlifting but I'm finding that the benefits which I'm experiencing have little to do with those.  Bipolar disorder steals a lot away from you.  One of the hardest losses for me to deal with is the loss of control.  It can be extremely demoralizing, frustrating, and exhausting when you need to battle your own psyche on a regular basis.  CrossFit has given me both a physical and a psychological kick in the pants.  I can now fight the battles in my head on an actual field with many similarities....some days you conquer the weight and some days not so much...some days will hurt but if you can grit your teeth and push through you'll make it out...some days you might feel weak or tired but if you at least show up you can chalk one up under personal victory.....and in this entire process you'll be getting stronger in many ways.

I guess maybe that's the difference between being an exerciser and being an athlete....even if the only person that you're competing with is you.