The Bell Jar

I wrote this a while ago but haven't had the courage to share it until now. I finally decided to do so because there will always be power in dialog over silence.

What goes up must eventually come down and for most people with bipolar disorder the down generally lasts much longer than the up. Everyone feels down at times.....maybe due to a string of bad incidents...maybe one overwhelming misfortune...maybe just the challenges of day to day life.  But what if you wake up one day and nothing really makes any sense?  In many ways today is just like yesterday, so why all of a sudden has today become so different?  My experience with the depressive swing was along those lines.  Not the blues but the mean reds (see Breakfast at Tiffany's).  Not sad because I failed at something...or my boyfriend left me...or I can't seem to get things together.  Sad because of me.  If you're sad because of an outside cause you can work to alleviate that factor but if you're sad because of who you are.....well...that's a tough one. 

I grew up Buddhist so I never really had any concept of heaven or hell.  I also never really had any fear of death because there was always my next life to have the adventures that I never got around to in this one...and in many ways, my next life was almost appealing if it meant that I wouldn't have to experience the pain and distress that I felt in this one.  During my darkest days I would open my eyes in the morning and calmly and rationally debate whether I should get out of bed, have breakfast, and plan my day or whether I should end my life today.  Most mornings I opted for the breakfast.

One day my mom asked me if I had ever thought about suicide.  That was a HUGE question because we never really discussed my condition at all.  She was the one who took me to the doctor after my breakdown...and she was the one who kept trying to find help and answers but at the same time my condition was that looming elephant in the room.  We tried to tip toe around it as much as possible....probably because we just didn't know what to say and maybe we were hoping that if we pretended that it wasn't there then it would just eventually shrivel up and go away.  That question acknowledged not only my fragile state of mind but also the growing elephant.  I considered lying....it would take some of the worry and pain off of her and even if I admitted it, I couldn't see how it would help things in any way and it would just bring her more worry and concern.  But I said "yes".  I think it was a relief to finally let that out (for me, not for her I'm sure) and it also would be a major turning point in my condition.  I remember that she seemed a little stunned.....and then after a moment of silence she calmly said:

"I really don't understand what you're going through and I don't know what to say or even if anything that I say will help...but I want you to know that it's not just you.  If you hurt yourself it won't just be you.  I will always wonder if I could have done something....that I SHOULD have done something.......so please, before you do anything...please, please just try really hard to remember that.  I will do anything that I need to do to help you...just please don't give up."

Every time that I ended up going down that road again (and it happened often) I did remember her words.  If someone cared that much...even after I had caused her so much pain...the least that I could do was to try and hang on.  And I did.  I held on to her words like my own little life preserver of lucidity in my growing chaos...repeating them over and over in my head like a mantra.  I am positive that her words are why I am still here today.

If you are in a similar situation, please find that one thing that you can hang on to....whether it be a passage from a book, lyrics from a song, words that someone passed on to you.....maybe a memory of how things were before the despair crept in.  Just find it, focus on it, and HOLD ON. This too WILL pass.  And if you think that you can't make a difference in someone's life (or death)...you're so wrong.  Say the things that you want to say...even if it seems awkward...even if you think that it won't make a difference...because you never know when it really will.  And maybe your words will also be able to sustain someone for a lifetime.

Evolution

I recently watched a segment of a talk given by Temple Grandin on autism.  That got me thinking.  Is it possible that what we view as disorders of the psyche might actually just be a form of evolution?  Many psychological disorders seem to be based on the person with the disorder having a different perception of the world....either processing or viewing information differently from the norm.  What is the norm?

When I was a child I would constantly receive poor grades in the categories of participation and social skills.  I was incredibly shy (and still am but do much better with a glass of wine which wasn't encouraged in grade school).  But really...what is the norm of a person's personality? Perhaps instead of dinging me on my lack of social skills, I could have been allowed to be my shy little self as long as I was doing my lessons and not eating glue or setting small fires....instead I grew up feeling inadequate because I wasn't able to socialize as adeptly (or at all) as other kids.

Much later, after a breakdown in college, I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I do believe that the little girl who had trouble socializing was already showing symptoms of the disorder and hence the personality issues.  When you label someone as having a disorder you create an US and THEM scenario.  I was now in the THEM....out of the norm and struggling to gain membership back in.  But what if all the THEM's are really just a different evolution of the US's?  Not really in need of repair but perhaps of a new means of interaction.

Yes, I do understand the basics of involuntary chemical imbalances and yes, there are many symptoms of bipolar disorder that can lead to drastic consequences if not managed.  I am pretty sure that I wouldn't be here right now if I had not spent time on medication....but then again, it's impossible to say at this point in time.  I eventually chose to discontinue my medication because I felt that it was interfering with my personality....I had forgotten what it was like to be me.  What if my disorder is part of human evolution and not an anomaly that needs to be corrected?

And in the end, whatever our basic differences may be, acceptance is highly underrated.  There is something incredibly healing and nurturing when anyone is not simply tolerated but actually accepted and even appreciated as is.  I don't have any conclusion to all of this except that perhaps if we spend a little more time on trying to understand people within their own parameters, instead of trying to force them into ours, we may all learn something important.