I had a very dear friend who would have been 41 today. He was still in his 20's when I first met him and a few years later he was diagnosed with a form of muscular dystrophy. Most of you will have never met him or know anything about him that would differentiate him from anyone else in the world.....and really, nothing that I write could possibly convey how very special Scott was. I'm writing this for me...because unfortunately, I never did have the opportunity to express these thoughts to him......no, that's not correct. I DID have opportunity (lots of opportunities) but as happens in life, I never took full advantage of them.
Scott was the younger sibling that I never had....small in stature but NOTHING about Scott was small. He dreamed big...he had passion for a number of things...he followed his heart even when everyone around him was skeptical...he loved big...really big. He was the exception to the rule that men and women can't be close, platonic friends. We discussed all sorts of intimate personal tidbits but it never was uncomfortable.....well.......maybe for Scott at times, but if it was he never showed it.
I could go on and on about my memories of him but the one really profound impact that he left on me is to embrace who you are....all of your idiosyncrasies...your good, your bad...your flaws, your charms...even your conditions that can, at times, make others uncomfortable. There are certain things that you just don't have the power to change....he had muscular dystrophy....I have bipolar disorder....we both learned to adapt to our situations (he with much more grace than I)....and I learned from Scott to not be ashamed of who I am. Most people will accept you for who you are and not what you have...and the rest.......well really...it's just too bad for them that they will never know just what they're missing.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Day Fifty Five - Is It Really Greener or Just a Different Shade of Green?
A while back I got involved with a fellow who most of my friends were a bit surprised to see me with. He was a relatively conservative person (in appearance and philosophy) and a bit reserved.....kind of your stereotypical nerdy guy. I, on the other hand, am none of the above (definitely geeky but not smart enough to be nerdy), hence the general surprise. We got along well and things seemed to be flowing smoothly.......until one day he dumped me. At the time he chalked it up to "not being ready for a serious relationship".
Then about 6-7 months down the road I received a voicemail from him wanting to get together. After breaking up, we really had no contact whatsoever so this was yet another surprise but I figured that perhaps with the passage of time, he might be hoping that we could now be platonic friends. Wrong conclusion. Turns out that he apparently had a change of heart....but not for the reasons that you might be thinking.
Basically he said that he had never really dated much and when we got involved a lot of his friends were surprised when they met me. So that got him thinking that since I was interested in him....who else might be interested in him? Suddenly he felt like his door to the world of women had been flung wide open and there were all these potential possibilities awaiting him. So he dumped me.
I do have to give him credit for disclosing that rather unsavory explanation to me.....it didn't really paint a lovely portrait of himself and it also didn't in any way get me to go out with him again but still it was a nice gesture. It did also lead me to mull over that particular concept because it does seem like the grass is always greener over there to some people. Why is that? Instead of feeling like the luckiest person on the planet, why do some people only think that perhaps they could be even luckier with someone else?
I recently read an article about whether or not men know when they are in love. The majority of respondents fell into the category of "Yes.....but usually only when under threat of break-up or after the actual break-up". In the same sort of ambivalent vein.....in the last few weeks I've received messages from three fellows who I dated at one time (why do things happen in threes?). I haven't seen any of the three in many months....perhaps over a year. Two were "I miss you....can I see you?" messages and the third remains a mystery. I know what you're thinking. Booty call attempt. Yeah, that's what I was thinking too and really now....are they thinking:
1. Oh yeah....I was THAT great that she'll definitely want to hook up with me again.
2. I'm THAT desperate....let me go down my entire phone list and see who says yes.
3. She DID have a bad memory.
This all makes me think of that Groucho Marx quote of not wanting to belong to a club that would accept me for a member. Is that what it is? If someone wants to buy my car for $1000 then maybe someone else will give me $1500? I think it might be a sign that I was never very good at driving in reverse.
Then about 6-7 months down the road I received a voicemail from him wanting to get together. After breaking up, we really had no contact whatsoever so this was yet another surprise but I figured that perhaps with the passage of time, he might be hoping that we could now be platonic friends. Wrong conclusion. Turns out that he apparently had a change of heart....but not for the reasons that you might be thinking.
Basically he said that he had never really dated much and when we got involved a lot of his friends were surprised when they met me. So that got him thinking that since I was interested in him....who else might be interested in him? Suddenly he felt like his door to the world of women had been flung wide open and there were all these potential possibilities awaiting him. So he dumped me.
I do have to give him credit for disclosing that rather unsavory explanation to me.....it didn't really paint a lovely portrait of himself and it also didn't in any way get me to go out with him again but still it was a nice gesture. It did also lead me to mull over that particular concept because it does seem like the grass is always greener over there to some people. Why is that? Instead of feeling like the luckiest person on the planet, why do some people only think that perhaps they could be even luckier with someone else?
I recently read an article about whether or not men know when they are in love. The majority of respondents fell into the category of "Yes.....but usually only when under threat of break-up or after the actual break-up". In the same sort of ambivalent vein.....in the last few weeks I've received messages from three fellows who I dated at one time (why do things happen in threes?). I haven't seen any of the three in many months....perhaps over a year. Two were "I miss you....can I see you?" messages and the third remains a mystery. I know what you're thinking. Booty call attempt. Yeah, that's what I was thinking too and really now....are they thinking:
1. Oh yeah....I was THAT great that she'll definitely want to hook up with me again.
2. I'm THAT desperate....let me go down my entire phone list and see who says yes.
3. She DID have a bad memory.
This all makes me think of that Groucho Marx quote of not wanting to belong to a club that would accept me for a member. Is that what it is? If someone wants to buy my car for $1000 then maybe someone else will give me $1500? I think it might be a sign that I was never very good at driving in reverse.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Day Fifty Four - Really??
An actual email that I received this morning:
"I love your look especially your beatiful tattooes. You look very sophisticated and sexy. At your convience please call me at ***-**** and lets have a casual drinks and just hang out. no strings attached. Aloha....."
1. I have this compulsion to correct all his spelling and grammatical errors and return his email.
2. "tattooes"......is that like the whole potatoe debacle?
3. And most importantly............seriously?!?!
"I love your look especially your beatiful tattooes. You look very sophisticated and sexy. At your convience please call me at ***-**** and lets have a casual drinks and just hang out. no strings attached. Aloha....."
1. I have this compulsion to correct all his spelling and grammatical errors and return his email.
2. "tattooes"......is that like the whole potatoe debacle?
3. And most importantly............seriously?!?!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Day Fifty Three - Communication
The online dating world seems to be separated into two general segments (sorta like right and left lobes of the brain). On one side are those who seem to want to meet immediately. No foreplay email to get a glimpse of just who this person might be.....just look at some photographs, say "hi", and let's meet. That makes me a little uncomfortable. I'm not sure if it's because:
1. I want to at least have a general feel for someone before agreeing to meet them in person.
2. Possibly Google them to see if they might be on any offensive list or indiscreetly posting naked pictures of themselves (or others).
3. Or because I'm thinking that they might be incapable of writing a decent paragraph.
And while there apparently are people (on the other lobe) who want to exclusively communicate via email and/or text and never actually meet in person (yeah, I know.....just as telling and odd in its own way) which would be okay if I was interested in a pen pal but otherwise a little unfulfilling to say the least.......I have found that I may be more.....or even initially attracted to someone with interesting writing skills.
This is a relatively new discovery for me. No one writes letters any longer. We talk on the phone....write little snippet text messages....perhaps a quick email....but when is the last time that you wrote to someone who you see regularly in your life? I mean REALLY write....ask questions....dig deeper....express something that you wouldn't normally bring up in day to day conversation. Are we starting to lose our communication skills?
I had a pen pal in grade school. I no longer remember her name or much about her letters (I don't save things) but I do recall that she lived in Iowa (which seemed very Little House on the Prairie to me so I imagined that my pen pal was Laura Ingalls Wilder) and had large, loopy handwriting. My mom used to correspond with her sister (who lived on Maui) for much of their adult life. I remember seeing the incoming and outgoing letters and the excitement that my mom would have when a new letter arrived. She would always save reading it for that brief quiet time that she had between work and the busy household. I would peak in her room and see her sitting at her desk reading.....pages too...not just a brief one page letter but pages of handwriting. The letters went back and forth until my aunt passed away a few years ago.
Where am I going with this thread? What constitutes and sustains attraction? I posted this quote a little while back:
"For a relationship to stay alive, love alone is not enough. Without imagination, love stales into sentiment, duty, boredom. Relationships fail not because we have stopped loving but because we first stopped imagining."
Perhaps when we step out of our box and experiment with various means of expression and communication we may be able to see much more of individuals than we ever could have otherwise.
1. I want to at least have a general feel for someone before agreeing to meet them in person.
2. Possibly Google them to see if they might be on any offensive list or indiscreetly posting naked pictures of themselves (or others).
3. Or because I'm thinking that they might be incapable of writing a decent paragraph.
And while there apparently are people (on the other lobe) who want to exclusively communicate via email and/or text and never actually meet in person (yeah, I know.....just as telling and odd in its own way) which would be okay if I was interested in a pen pal but otherwise a little unfulfilling to say the least.......I have found that I may be more.....or even initially attracted to someone with interesting writing skills.
This is a relatively new discovery for me. No one writes letters any longer. We talk on the phone....write little snippet text messages....perhaps a quick email....but when is the last time that you wrote to someone who you see regularly in your life? I mean REALLY write....ask questions....dig deeper....express something that you wouldn't normally bring up in day to day conversation. Are we starting to lose our communication skills?
I had a pen pal in grade school. I no longer remember her name or much about her letters (I don't save things) but I do recall that she lived in Iowa (which seemed very Little House on the Prairie to me so I imagined that my pen pal was Laura Ingalls Wilder) and had large, loopy handwriting. My mom used to correspond with her sister (who lived on Maui) for much of their adult life. I remember seeing the incoming and outgoing letters and the excitement that my mom would have when a new letter arrived. She would always save reading it for that brief quiet time that she had between work and the busy household. I would peak in her room and see her sitting at her desk reading.....pages too...not just a brief one page letter but pages of handwriting. The letters went back and forth until my aunt passed away a few years ago.
Where am I going with this thread? What constitutes and sustains attraction? I posted this quote a little while back:
"For a relationship to stay alive, love alone is not enough. Without imagination, love stales into sentiment, duty, boredom. Relationships fail not because we have stopped loving but because we first stopped imagining."
Perhaps when we step out of our box and experiment with various means of expression and communication we may be able to see much more of individuals than we ever could have otherwise.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Day Fifty Two - It's a Fool Who Plays It Cool By Making His World a Little Colder
I have never cheated on a partner (well....except maybe in board games but that's a different topic). No....I don't think that I'm a saint or in any way deserving of a medal for being able to state that......and perhaps that's the problem with society. I have a friend who is embarking on a new relationship with a fellow who has admitted to cheating in previous relationships. He had "reasons" for doing so, although in his defense he did also seem to realize that those reasons all amount to trivial justifications of wrong doing.
So now she's asking me if she should still get involved with him. I know what she wants to hear. She wants me to tell her that his cheating was in the past with its own unique circumstances....that he has learned from his mistakes....that he really loves her and that love will keep him from hurting her. I know that's what she wants to hear because that's what I've told myself in the past.......and of course, I was mistaken.
Should we be able to hold the past against the present? Or should relationships be like court trials? Only the current facts can be introduced and weighed? Or is that just naive given human nature and patterns? Maybe this guy really did learn from the past. A male friend of mine said it's in their DNA to spread their "seed" as much as humanly possible in order to propagate the species. Uh.....right. If you've evolved enough that you can now use a computer, no longer hunt for your food, and wouldn't be able to run 3 miles across a desert plain to escape Tyrannosaurus Rex.....I really don't think you should start pulling out the "in our DNA" card.
So again.....what to tell her? This is what I wrote her:
"I'm not gonna lie.....my gut instinct tells me that his cheating (for whatever reason) has become a pattern for him. Does that guarantee that he will cheat on you? Of course not. Maybe he's figured out why he chooses that route....maybe this time when the situation arises he'll choose a different path....maybe, maybe, maybe....in the end there is no predicting anyone's future actions HOWEVER we don't live in the future....and our decisions should be based on the present. If you love this guy and choose to accept his past then you need to remain in the present with him. You also need to be able to trust him completely or you may as well walk away right now. In the end which will you regret more? Walking away now and never knowing what might have been? Or possibly having your heart broken? Possibly. How much does possibly mean to you?"
So now she's asking me if she should still get involved with him. I know what she wants to hear. She wants me to tell her that his cheating was in the past with its own unique circumstances....that he has learned from his mistakes....that he really loves her and that love will keep him from hurting her. I know that's what she wants to hear because that's what I've told myself in the past.......and of course, I was mistaken.
Should we be able to hold the past against the present? Or should relationships be like court trials? Only the current facts can be introduced and weighed? Or is that just naive given human nature and patterns? Maybe this guy really did learn from the past. A male friend of mine said it's in their DNA to spread their "seed" as much as humanly possible in order to propagate the species. Uh.....right. If you've evolved enough that you can now use a computer, no longer hunt for your food, and wouldn't be able to run 3 miles across a desert plain to escape Tyrannosaurus Rex.....I really don't think you should start pulling out the "in our DNA" card.
So again.....what to tell her? This is what I wrote her:
"I'm not gonna lie.....my gut instinct tells me that his cheating (for whatever reason) has become a pattern for him. Does that guarantee that he will cheat on you? Of course not. Maybe he's figured out why he chooses that route....maybe this time when the situation arises he'll choose a different path....maybe, maybe, maybe....in the end there is no predicting anyone's future actions HOWEVER we don't live in the future....and our decisions should be based on the present. If you love this guy and choose to accept his past then you need to remain in the present with him. You also need to be able to trust him completely or you may as well walk away right now. In the end which will you regret more? Walking away now and never knowing what might have been? Or possibly having your heart broken? Possibly. How much does possibly mean to you?"
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