Day Fifty Four - Really??

An actual email that I received this morning:
"I love your look especially your beatiful tattooes.  You look very sophisticated and sexy. At your convience please call me at ***-**** and lets have a casual drinks and just hang out.  no strings attached.  Aloha....."
1.  I have this compulsion to correct all his spelling and grammatical errors and return his email.
2.  "tattooes"......is that like the whole potatoe debacle?
3.  And most importantly............seriously?!?!

Day Fifty One-Surprise!

Today was a first.  I received an email on the dating website from a woman.  Yes, a woman.  She said she had a friend who was moving to Hawaii and apparently was doing reconnaissance work for him........but then she said she would also be interested in me....although on her profile she did say that she was looking for a man (and a rich man no less)....and she lives in Florida.  All very confusing and why are people in Florida emailing me anyway??
Of course my first intuition is that this is some sort of scam...although for the life of me I can't conceive of how it works.  So I emailed her back because now I'm just completely intrigued.......and I wonder how she's doing finding a rich guy.........and she was really very pretty......

Day Forty Nine-Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back Online

I have decided to sublet my dating profile to a friend of mine. Okay.....I'm not really subletting but she seems to think that my dating woes stem from user error as opposed to just plain crappy luck.  Yes, yes, I know that I said I was done with the online thing but being that I got suckered into paying for a renewal and seem to do even worse out in the real world, I am allowing her to analyze and make recommendations on my choice of potential dates.  So once again I put my profile out there and I subsequently received this email:
"Hello, Liked your profile would you do 57?  LO!  You want too get off the island and retire?  I am looking for a a sian bride fri love and happiness."
First off "would you do 57?" is probably not a highly recommended way to initiate a dialog.  I can think of (and have received) many worse than that phrase but it would make the Top Ten list of what NOT to write in order to elicit a response.  Mr. 57 apparently lives in Florida....hence his suggestion?...offer?...to retire with him.  Even if there was a compelling reason for me to pack up and relocate to Florida (and not just to meet a 57-year old complete stranger) this sounds like the start to a Movie-of-the-Week plot where I'd be yelling at the tv "What kind of idiot goes across country to meet a stranger?!?!"  And finally, either Mr. 57 has extremely poor writing skills (WTF is "a sian bride fri love and happiness"???) or he might want to disable his autocorrect.
It is soooooo not user error.......

Day Forty Four-It's Gotta Be A Sign....

So after the umpteenth odd email, I made a decision to hide my profile on the dating website (unfortunately, I had also caved in and renewed it after they gave me one of those great deals that I always fall for).  And then this was the weekend that I had:
First off I met the human incarnation of Pepe LePew....well, if Pepe had grown up in the deep south instead of France.  I wish I had a picture of him because mere words just won't do justice.  Very slim, VERY tan, slick 70's hair (with wings and all), trimmed (not shaved) chest hair, gold chain, mirrored sunglasses, and the clincher....a thin, extremely well manicured mustache (just the stache, no goatee).  Admittedly, the accent was rather charming, but no Pepe....I don't think I would like to go to your house for a barbeque....I'm a bit afraid of which other cartoon characters might show up.....
Then the following day, Mr. 65-Year Old Guy hit on me in Whole Foods. I'm estimating his age, but my sister-in-law confirmed.  You know that there is something amiss when your first reaction is...."oh, he's just making conversation.".......which turns into..."oh, do I know this guy?".......which turns into...."oh, is he the dad of one of my friends?"........which turns to slight horror as you realize that he's hitting on you.  He drinks Kefir which apparently is good for your skin....maybe not so noticeable when you're 60-something, although maybe he was really 80-something and Kefir was doing wonders.
The online dating site is starting to look not so bad after all.........

Day Forty Two-Scams

Conversation:
Friend:  Did you see the news about people being scammed on Match.com?
Me:  Yeah....but who the hell gives money to a total stranger?
Friend:  You always end up giving money to boyfriends.
Me:  Yeah....but that's different.
Friend:  They never pay you back.....ask for more later.....and eventually disappear...sounds about the same to me.
Me:  I think you just called me an idiot.....at least I must not look like an idiot because with all the whacked out emails that I've received no one has hit me up for money........yet.
Friend:  That's probably because you look too disheveled to have any...
Me:  Thanks.

Day Forty-More Signs

I think I've already mentioned that I am a huge believer in signs. Unfortunately, I am not a huge decoder of these signs but oh well.....can't have it all.  Several months ago I met up with someone from the dating site.  It didn't go particularly well....it was one of those meetings where within 5 minutes you're already sure that this is not going to go anywhere other than to become a story in a blog.  We parted and I never spoke to or saw this fellow again.
Well a couple of days ago I received an email from someone on the site. He surprisingly gave me his first and last name (lotsa guys seem reticent to give out that info right away) which kinda rang a little bell in my head....but being that I have the memory of a gnat, it was just a faint, distant bell.......until I read further.  He also mentioned his line of work...an unusual specialty type of occupation...which made the bell ring a bit louder.  I clicked on his profile picture and there it was......the spitting image (and by the way, is the phrase spitting or splitting?) of the guy that I met several months previous.  No, it wasn't THE same guy but obviously his brother (hence the name briefly catching my attention).  I spent the day wondering if I should email him back and explain that I do believe that I met his brother a while back...maybe they hadn't told one another that they are on this dating website?  It was too funny a coincidence not to reveal it to him, so I did.  I said something to the extent of...."Funny story...." and did a brief explanation (not going into the fact that the date didn't go anywhere and also not mentioning that we met off of the site as well).  Brother #2 emailed me back with a "small world" type of comment and I thought we were done with this slightly amusing thread.  Then the following day I receive another email from #2. This time he's referring to his "f*cking brother" messing things up for him and that it only just dawned on him that I met #1 through the site and not just out in the real world.  After another f*cking and a sh*t in there as well (not directed at me but at his brother) I started to recall that #1 had mentioned that he had a twin....yes, TWIN brother who he did not get along with.  Yeah....it took that much to jog my memory.
The really funny thing is that even if I hadn't gone out with #1, I still had no intentions of going out with #2 (even before his expletive filled rant) so really #1 hadn't messed anything up for him.  I didn't feel the need to clarify details with him though.  Mister seems to have some anger issues so I thought it best not to have any further contact with him...
So as far as signs go, I'm taking this as sign #2 that I really should cancel my membership (#1 being the email from the 68-year old).  So now I'm just waiting on sign #3.......I'm pretty sure that he didn't say they were triplets.....

Day Thirty Nine-Medication

A little while back I went out with Mr. Smarty Pants.  He was working on his graduate degree in Psychology and from our brief time emailing (I think we only exchanged one or two emails) he seemed like an interesting fellow to meet.
Another friend once introduced me to the idea that you should wonder what it would be like to kiss someone within say the first 15 minutes of meeting them...otherwise it means that you probably don't and won't have physical chemistry.  I kinda think he might be on to something. Anyway, needless to say, I wasn't wondering what it would be like to kiss Mr. Smarty Pants within the first 15 minutes however we were having a rather interesting conversation.........until........I started feeling like I was in a lecture class in school.  I realized that at some point Mr. SP had gotten up on his soap box and was talking at me on all sorts of subjects that he was an expert on.  It wouldn't have been too bad except it went on for quite a while...and then he started on his opinions on various psychiatric issues.
By now I was mulling over exit strategies in my head while nodding in agreement to whatever he was ranting about.  His conversation (can you call in conversation when it's completely one-sided?) turned to psychiatric disorders and the importance of pharmaceutical treatment.........and suddenly I blurted out that I have bipolar disorder and have refused medication for years.  There was a brief moment of silence (which was nice) and then he looks at me and says "You really should be on medication."  
I wasn't sure if that was an insult, suggestion, or his "professional" opinion because I really just threw it out there as my means of exiting study hall.  I do have to say that this was the first time (on a first date) that someone told me that I should be medicated....usually it takes them a little longer to come to that conclusion.
No, there was no second date.

Day Thirty Eight-Limits

I think I reached mine.  I received an email from a 68-year old guy today.  68.  That's 24 years older than me and I'm no spring chicken (what the heck IS a spring chicken anyway?).  My membership is expiring soon but every time I hit that breaking point and decide to cancel, they give me some ridiculous offer to continue my ridiculous online dating experiences.
Hmmmmm.......maybe I should try to drum up the $1000 finder's fee.....

Day Thirty Seven-The Caste System

A while back a friend entertained the idea of introducing me to a friend of his.  He showed me a group picture on his Facebook which included the introducee.  As soon as I saw the photograph I told him that I couldn't possibly meet this guy, and of course, my friend asked "Why not?".  I said, "He's so totally out of my league!"
So that brought up the discussion of the caste system of looks.  You know that everyone does it.  You see a couple and perhaps the woman is incredibly beautiful and the man not so much, and you think.....oh...he must have money.  Or if the reverse is true then she must have money. Or he's gay.  Everyone does it even if they won't admit it.  How did he/she get that person???
So I ended up asking a friend at work for her opinion on the subject.  She gave it some thought and told me the story of her daughter (who is very pretty).  Apparently at some point her daughter dated a guy who was equally as physically gifted but it ended up not working out because he (and she) were used to being "the one" in the relationship...and suddenly having two of "the one" just wasn't working out dynamically.  I had mentioned to my friend that I'm uncomfortable going out with someone considered traditionally handsome because I am so NOT traditionally pretty, and in my rather un-evolved mental cycle I can't quite get the two to live in harmony.  So she suggested that perhaps the traditionally attractive in the world might prefer to be "the one" in the relationship and thus find comfort in being with someone posing less competition to their physical status.
Yes, yes, all very odd and somewhat reminiscent of Paleolithic days and some sort of survival of the fittest (well..in appearance anyway) but it is a fact.  Many profiles that I read will state that the guy works out regularly and is in good shape and is thus looking for a woman who is also in good shape (and I really don't think he means her EKG reading or cholesterol levels).  Or a guy will state that he looks considerably younger than his chronological age and is thus looking for a woman who looks equally as young (or younger).  People wouldn't make those statements if the caste system didn't exist.  I appear a certain way so I should be with someone who appears at a reasonably similar status?  Of course, a problem occurs when either party does not have a realistic view of their own appearance.  Hence the profiles where the fellow is NOT in good shape and/or considerably younger looking but he is still seeking a partner in great shape who looks very young.  Or maybe they just fell asleep during the caste system class....

Day Thirty Six-$1000

I read this article the other day......

WATERTOWN, MA (WBZ/CNN) - If money can buy love, there's a Massachusetts florist who is ready to cash in.

Dave Greenberg is offering a thousand bucks to anyone who introduces him to his future wife.

"At the end of the aisle, they can be waiting there and I'll give them the cash. And they can be the guest of honor at the wedding, too," he said.

Greenberg doesn't have many requirements. She just needs to be over 50. His bride would also have to be willing to retire in San Diego with him.

Greenberg has even started a website, www.marrydave.com.

"I'm in good shape, I'm over 60. I'm very attentive to a woman, I like to do the little things for her. Totally honest, faithful and reliable," he said.

And as a florist, his future leading lady will always have fresh flowers on hand.

"I just want to meet a nice lady. We have chemistry we have physical appeal, I'd like to get married, I believe in marriage," he said.

If anyone wants to help a girl out, I've got $17 and a half eaten brownie......

Day Thirty Five-Winking

The dating site has this thing called "winks".  I really don't know what purpose they serve.  Apparently if you create a profile but are too cheap to pay the membership fee....I mean, opt to not pay the membership fee....you can basically only send those winks.  You cannot send messages...or read messages...or really communicate in any other way than by sending a wink.
First off, if you can't or don't have the $30 to spend on the membership fee perhaps you shouldn't be so concerned about dating right now.  Just saying.  I've read a number of profiles that state "I'm not a paying member at the moment..." ummmmm okay.  So then they try to leave you a way to get in contact with them in encrypted cereal box decoder ring fashion to circumvent the website censors.  I wonder if anyone actually takes that route?
Secondly, there's the mass winkers.  I'll get winks from other states and out of curiosity I'll read the profile just to see how in the world they managed to find me.  One day, I actually emailed someone to find out and he said that he was considering moving to Hawaii and sent out winks en masse to see what kind of response he would get.
I met someone once who initially sent the hated wink (which by this point I now ignored because WTF really is this option anyway?!?).  He sent an email a couple days later and we eventually met up.  I told him how the wink confuses me and he said he sends it out to see if the woman is interested....assuming that if she is she will then respond with an email. So I said....wouldn't it be easier to just send an email right off the bat? Initially, if I received a wink and the person seemed interesting, I would send an email....and then I would never hear back from them again.  Was my email THAT bad?  Did they lose interest in the period between sending the wink and my email?  Did the cat hit the send wink button accidentally?  So confusing and hence my dislike of the wink.  The Wink Guy that I met said maybe those winkers weren't paying members so they couldn't read my email....in which case, why send the wink in the first place?!?
Maybe the site should create a new option for non-members...select one of the following:
"I'm too cheap to pay for a membership but I'd still like to go out with you."
"I don't know what to write but I'd still like to go out with you."
"I'm hitting on hundreds of women to increase my odds, but I really am especially interested in going out with you."
And really...who actually winks at a stranger in real life in order to meet them?

Day Thirty Four-Facebook

I am finding that the Facebook "Friend" request can be a very tricky road to navigate when dating.  On the one hand, you can find out a LOT about a person by reading what is posted on their wall.  I will admit that I decided not to go out with someone because they "liked" politicians and/or groups with a conservative agenda.  I posted earlier that I also decided not to go out with someone who was "Friends" with an unusual amount of half-naked women living in various parts of the world.  On the other hand, it can open way too many cans of worms that you really don't want to handle....
I had emailed with someone (but not met in person yet) from whom I accepted a "Friend" request.  He seemed relatively drama-free (an important factor when accepting requests) so it seemed harmless enough. On first glance, his page seemed fine....postings on family, food, or activities.  After a while though, I began to notice that he would often have rather whiny posts....about not having someone to do something with....eating alone....not having a Valentine.  Granted, I'm sure those were his legitimate heartfelt feelings towards his situation but perhaps that may be a reflection on why he is single?  Just speculating.....
Yes, I would LOVE to be in a blissfully joyous relationship with someone wonderful, but do I feel particularly self-pitying that I am not?  Eh...not really.  In fact, the only thing so far that has really been a challenge for me as a single person is going on a vacation somewhere.  I'm not afraid to travel alone but I do have the WORST sense of direction....it's so bad that I do believe it qualifies as an actual disability.  Otherwise I definitely don't feel sorry for myself and my circumstance, and for the most part, find quite a bit of amusement at the situations that I sometimes find myself in.
So back to Whiny Guy....we had been emailing a bit but given my newfound information, I was quickly losing interest in continuing and/or actually meeting.  At that point Whiny Guy sent an email giving me an ultimatum of either meeting up or perhaps ceasing all communications. Okay....so that was done.........at least I thought so.  SURPRISE....a few weeks later he was back with another email.  I think he might have missed that class on how to properly issue and follow through on an ultimatum.  I also think that ultimatums carry much more weight when the parties have a vested interest in the future....not so much when you don't really know the person, have never actually met, and are still getting a feel for the type of person they are.  Anyway, I decided not to respond because I was now COMPLETELY sure that I did not want to meet. Several emails later (none responded to) I received a second ultimatum and this time he "Unfriended" me.  Wow.....so I'm thinking imagine if you were actually involved with this guy??
A male friend of mine said that he tries at all costs to avoid accepting any "Friend" requests from any woman that he's dating.  It only makes for unnecessary drama...especially if you're simply dating and not in a committed relationship.  I can definitely see his point.  But then how do you gracefully NOT accept a request?  

Day Thirty Three-Rules

Conversation with friend (the same friend from a previous post who doesn't approve of me being on the "Home Shopping Dating Network"):
Friend:  Hey...what about W?  He's single and really needs a woman.....
Me:  There's a rule that I can't date anyone who weighs less and has smaller biceps than me.
Friend:  Small guys need love too.
Me:  True......but it's an actual rule...in writing even.
Friend:  Then how about K?  I think he weighs more than you?
Me:  Yeah but he gives me the creeps.
Friend:  Is that a rule in writing too?
Me:  Now it is.

Day Thirty Two-Really?

Just a few of the things that I've read in profiles:
- "I'm not really athletic and toned but I checked it off because I'm trying to work on it" ....would that be the equivalent of me saying that I'm flat chested but I could be otherwise if someone bought me some knockers? What is that all about???  And do you really want someone who will only want to be with you because you're working on looking like someone else?
- "I'm not really fussy about how you look or what you do but I hope that you can cook."
- "I would like a woman that can take charge of my stuff." .....I'm not sure what "my stuff" refers to so I suppose he could be looking for either an accountant, maid, or dominatrix?
- "Where's the love for short guys?"
- "If you're not gonna respond to emails then why are you on a dating site?" .....yeah....I REALLY don't think that's going to encourage any responses....
- "I have 6 children that live with me..." (sorry but I didn't get any further than that line...)
- "My ex-wife decided that she would rather be with my best friend so she just up and left and....." ....and I was told that I share TOO MUCH INFORMATION....
- "I is looking for a womens for my solemate." ....apparently the site doesn't support spell or grammar check........

Day Thirty One-Friends?

So now I've been mulling over the age old question of whether men and women can truly be friends.  Friends as in the purest meaning of the word.  Not friends with benefits...not friends who at one time saw one another naked...not friends as in mere acquaintances...but friends as in you can have meals together...talk about serious issues or trivial daily drivel...go to the movies or the beach...talk on the phone about something or nothing.  Basically things that you would do with your girl friend (or guy friend).
I do have male friends, but only a couple who aren't gay and who (as far as I can see) fall into that category.  We can hang out with no expectations other than our friendship......at least that's what I thought. After hearing a few male perspectives on the subject I'm not so sure now.
I have gone on a few dates with men who I had no romantic attraction to but who I thought were really interesting and would make a great friend. That suggestion generally doesn't pan out too well.  I totally understand why.  It's that equation that dictates that in every relationship there is always one person who cares more than the other person.  The scale can (and often does) tip in either direction throughout the course of time, but as it is in life, nothing is completely symmetrical.  The odds of running into someone (especially off of a dating site) and both of you feeling that you have no romantic interest but still find the other party to be a potentially compelling friend.....well it must be akin to the odds of finding the love of your life.
I'm under the assumption that it IS possible to have a platonic male/female relationship if:
#1.  You're both not physically attracted to one another and...
#2.  (for whatever reasons) You recognize that the other party would not be a suitable partner (ie: Yes, Jody, you're fun to hang out with but I would rather have my fingernails ripped off one by one than be in a relationship with you).
According to my male poll, if both #1 and #2 are not in effect and other factors are (ie: alcohol, feeling lonely because it's the holidays, just saw the ex with his/her new partner)...a rift in the friendship continuum could result which of course, would then change everything.....
Life would be so much simpler if everyone came equipped with those cartoon bubbles over their heads explaining exactly what is transpiring in their minds....

Day Thirty-Deal Breakers

First phone conversation with someone:
Guy:  So, do you have any absolute deal breakers?
Me:  Hmmmmmm....yeah I guess I do...but a lot of times I don't realize it until they pop up.
Guy:  Any that you can think of off hand?
Me:  Let's see......oh, definitely litterbugs...ultra-conservative political views...tufts of hair sprouting from various orifices...eh..maybe not because that could always be trimmed...
Guy:  I really enjoy listening to New Age music....like Yanni.
Me:  Oh...............I guess I missed one......

Day Twenty Nine-High School

I received an email from someone that I went to high school with.  He apparently did not recognize me and I honestly don't think that I would have recognized him except for the fact that he has an unusual first name.  After seeing the name, his age, and given the fact that he grew up in Kaneohe, I was able to figure it out.
I was not a pretty or popular girl in high school...in fact, I think I could accurately describe myself as a geek (and not in a kinda cute Ally Sheedy from Breakfast Club way either).  I had thick glasses, braces (and for a time headgear), acne, baby-fat, mismatched clothes, and no social skills.......save for Lasik and not requiring headgear any longer, not a whole lot has changed but I have learned to adapt to my circumstances and frankly, at this point in my life, I think I have earned being as weird as I choose to be.  I can't quite recall what classification this guy fell under in school, but I am positive that he was much more in demand that I ever was.
So now I'm trying to figure out what to do.  I am not interested in dating him however, I do feel like I should make some acknowledgement of our common background...after all, it is kinda funny (at least I thought it was funny).  What to do, what to do?

Day Twenty Eight-WotWentWrong?

There is now a site for daters who want to find out what went wrong (why the other party disappeared, never called back, etc).  Do we really need to know??  Granted, there have been a few cases in my lifetime where I was a bit baffled for a little while.....but not enough to hound someone for an answer.  Do I want to know that they didn't like my hair?  Or thought that I dressed weird?  Or that I laugh a little too loud?  Not so much.  Believe me, it's not that I think that I am perfect...in fact, I am about as far from perfect as a person could possibly be.  I've been told by numerous exes the multitude of ways that I could alter myself to be more pleasing to their liking (probably why they are now exes).  I've always believed that the whole point of dating is to find the person whose idiosyncrasies are in sync with yours...not to find someone to mold into what fits for you.
I have a friend who completely dissected every minute from every date that she had with this one fellow (who subsequently disappeared).  Maybe she shouldn't have talked about this...or that.  Maybe she seemed too independent.  Maybe she should have called him more...or less.  Maybe, maybe, maybe...maybe he just wasn't really feeling it.  Maybe it's like the book said "he's just not that into you".  
In the end, I believe that some things should be just let go to the Universe.  You put yourself out there...be true to who you are...choose the path of least regret...and if it's not to someone's liking...well then I guess they weren't meant to be a part of your life.

Day Twenty Seven-Vicinity

Actual email this morning:
"I don't go out much but I think we have a lot in common.  Plus you live close by."
Wow.  
I'm just hoping that I don't live THAT close by.

Day Twenty Four-How Do You Meet Someone?

Friend:  I don't know about this online dating thing.....don't you ever meet people in real time?
Me:  Like where?
Friend:  I dunno.....how about when you go up Koko Crater?
Me:  Ummmm.....yeah, there are a LOT of guys on the mountain but I think it's become a gay pick-up spot.  Besides, have you seen what I look like going up the mountain??  Sweat is flying...I can barely talk...I'm all flushed (and not in a good way).  Although.....I did meet my brother's married friend on the hill.....
Friend:  How about at the beach?
Me:  I did meet a guy in Speedos who asked me to put lotion on his back and another guy (not in Speedos, but in tie-dye) who bore an uncanny resemblance to a less attractive version of David Crosby.
Friend:  Through mutual friends?
Me:  Well......my friend wants to introduce me to a friend of hers but she described him as kinda slow (which also makes me wonder what my friends think of me).
Friend:  Yeah..........you're screwed.
Me:  Thanks.  Ummm........you might want to use a more appropriate word...just sayin'........