I was recently talking with someone about the parameters that we set in order to find our "match". For a long time I was the person who had NO parameters. If we were attracted to one another and everything was fine (and sometimes even if it wasn't) it would turn into a relationship and one day, a few years down the road (when I actually thought about it), I would realize that this person really wasn't "the one". It was the snowball that rolled down the hill and grew from what should have been a few dates into a few years.
So that got me thinking that I really should be more proactive and make a list (no, not a literal list but at least a mental one) of qualities that I think would be highly compatible with me and perhaps lead to a lifelong (as opposed to a few years) relationship. The problem with lists like that is there are a number of people who might not possess the exact specifications on your list, but perhaps they have NEW qualities...qualities that you may not have yet encountered but that would actually be something wonderful to add to your life. Or maybe they have qualities that you feel are definite deal breakers, but given the opportunity to know the person, it really wouldn't be as big an issue as you initially thought.
For instance, I met someone who smoked. On his profile he stated that he was a non-smoker. It honestly doesn't matter to me either way, as long as he doesn't throw his cigarette butts out of the car window because that really is a deal breaker. Anyway, so he didn't smoke around me on our first date; however, on the second date we ended up on a rather long car ride. At some point the conversation led to the smoking topic and he finally admitted that he lied on the profile because he felt that he would automatically be crossed off lists everywhere based on the fact that he smoked. His argument was that if women got to know him and realized that he is a very considerate smoker, they might not have such an issue with it.
I also met someone who lied about his age on his profile. When you do a search for potential dates, it gives you various options to set...age, height, build, income, have children, want children, etc. He felt that his actual age, 42, would keep him off of searches from women that he would be compatible with (he was a very young, active 42). And actually I don't even know how I ended up on his radar because I was older than his search options.
For a while I used to think that I shouldn't date anyone with young children (because I don't have any and what the heck would I know about raising little humans when I can't even keep a plant or guppy alive?). Then I met someone with a 7-year old daughter. When our relationship ended, about a year and a half later, I was much more devastated at not seeing her than him.
As far as I can see, the only non-negotiable really is physical attraction. I even tried getting around that one thinking that perhaps attraction would develop based on how wonderful a person is in every other aspect. Big mistake.
So what is the moral of this story? I think if you've found the formula that really works for you (as far as equaling a happy relationship) then perhaps you should stick with it and the parameters that led to that equation. However if you're like me, and the equation is still a mystery, perhaps you (I) should try expanding the variables because maybe something really unexpectedly amazing is waiting around that corner that you always choose to pass.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Day Twenty-On Another Slightly Serious Note
I have bipolar disorder. I believe that I've had it for my entire life, but it was officially diagnosed while in my 20's (when it was still referred to as manic/depression). I wasn't planning on mentioning my condition in this blog, but it does seem to make a guest starring cameo appearance in my life from time to time and has really shaped the person who I've become. I also had a very dear friend who had a form of muscular dystrophy. At the point when his illness kept him housebound for the majority of the time, I suggested that he pen a blog. My argument was that if he could reach one other person, who now would feel that they were not alone in their situation, then it somehow gave reason to his physical state. I think that rationale was really more for me than for him.
For clarification, bipolar disorder is not your co-worker/husband/girlfriend who one minute is cheerful and the next is chewing the paint off the walls. I believe the clinical term for that condition is "moody bastard". I can't speak for everyone who is bipolar because the disorder can manifest itself very differently in each person. In general, I can have anywhere from three to eight "cycles" in a year. A cycle consists of the euphoria of a manic episode followed by the downward spiral of a depressive episode. The entire cycle usually lasts a few weeks. And once again, the emotions involved in either cycle are not your average run of the mill happy and sad...the happy will make me feel omnipotent...indestructible, and the sad will make me want to completely disappear. I've attempted disappearing twice in my life. When my symptoms were at their worst, I recall laying in bed and calmly trying to decide if I should get up and have breakfast or kill myself. That's it in a very small, condensed, simplified nutshell.
I have chosen to be off medication for much of my life. Again, I can't recommend that to anyone...it can be difficult...dangerous...disastrous at times. For the most part, as I've gotten older, my symptoms are much less severe, I've become much quicker at recognizing warning signs, and I've also become much more adept at figuring out how to keep my balance. My current biggest challenge is that I really don't sleep much.
I kinda view my disorder as walking a tight rope. At first it...I...was a mess. I was constantly falling to one side or the other...rarely ever staying on the rope. As time went on and I practiced my balancing act, I became much more skilled at staying on the rope. At this point in my life I manage to spend the majority of my time on the rope...reasonably well balanced, but I still need to be aware of gusts of wind that can throw my balance off...people who get on the rope with me and either assist my walk or wreak havoc...and times when I just get weary and lose my focus.
I have only recently begun to talk about my condition (even to very close friends). I'm sure part of the reason is that I've learned to manage it so that it doesn't pose as much of a threat to me as it used to. Of course, the main reason NOT to reveal my situation is that this is a psychiatric, medical diagnosis. You can tell people...even strangers...that you have a medical condition (diabetes, heart condition, cancer, etc) and they will generally be understanding, maybe sympathetic; however, tell anyone that you have a psychiatric disorder and you probably won't see them again. And I do mean that both in the dating world and in the social world in general. Someone once said to me "How do I know that you won't have a serious relapse one day?"....well how do I know that you won't have a heart attack? or cancer? or get hit by an MTS bus? or run off with a 24-year old? There are no guarantees in life........for anyone. I can't guarantee that all hell will never, ever break lose again...but I do know that I treasure even the littlest things...the simplest kind gestures...the wonderful people who enter into my life...possibly more than the average person because I know how extremely precarious life can really be.
Brings a whole new meaning to the name of my blog now huh?
For clarification, bipolar disorder is not your co-worker/husband/girlfriend who one minute is cheerful and the next is chewing the paint off the walls. I believe the clinical term for that condition is "moody bastard". I can't speak for everyone who is bipolar because the disorder can manifest itself very differently in each person. In general, I can have anywhere from three to eight "cycles" in a year. A cycle consists of the euphoria of a manic episode followed by the downward spiral of a depressive episode. The entire cycle usually lasts a few weeks. And once again, the emotions involved in either cycle are not your average run of the mill happy and sad...the happy will make me feel omnipotent...indestructible, and the sad will make me want to completely disappear. I've attempted disappearing twice in my life. When my symptoms were at their worst, I recall laying in bed and calmly trying to decide if I should get up and have breakfast or kill myself. That's it in a very small, condensed, simplified nutshell.
I have chosen to be off medication for much of my life. Again, I can't recommend that to anyone...it can be difficult...dangerous...disastrous at times. For the most part, as I've gotten older, my symptoms are much less severe, I've become much quicker at recognizing warning signs, and I've also become much more adept at figuring out how to keep my balance. My current biggest challenge is that I really don't sleep much.
I kinda view my disorder as walking a tight rope. At first it...I...was a mess. I was constantly falling to one side or the other...rarely ever staying on the rope. As time went on and I practiced my balancing act, I became much more skilled at staying on the rope. At this point in my life I manage to spend the majority of my time on the rope...reasonably well balanced, but I still need to be aware of gusts of wind that can throw my balance off...people who get on the rope with me and either assist my walk or wreak havoc...and times when I just get weary and lose my focus.
I have only recently begun to talk about my condition (even to very close friends). I'm sure part of the reason is that I've learned to manage it so that it doesn't pose as much of a threat to me as it used to. Of course, the main reason NOT to reveal my situation is that this is a psychiatric, medical diagnosis. You can tell people...even strangers...that you have a medical condition (diabetes, heart condition, cancer, etc) and they will generally be understanding, maybe sympathetic; however, tell anyone that you have a psychiatric disorder and you probably won't see them again. And I do mean that both in the dating world and in the social world in general. Someone once said to me "How do I know that you won't have a serious relapse one day?"....well how do I know that you won't have a heart attack? or cancer? or get hit by an MTS bus? or run off with a 24-year old? There are no guarantees in life........for anyone. I can't guarantee that all hell will never, ever break lose again...but I do know that I treasure even the littlest things...the simplest kind gestures...the wonderful people who enter into my life...possibly more than the average person because I know how extremely precarious life can really be.
Brings a whole new meaning to the name of my blog now huh?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Day Nineteen-First Date
Potentially bad first date ideas that actually turned out okay:
1. Brought his little daughter with him. Seemed like a bad idea but she was so sweet and adorable that it turned out she was the best part of the date.
2. Motorcycle ride. It seemed a bit too intimate for a first date but we had a great time and I found out that I have a love for riding bikes.
3. Christmas shopping. We had made a date for lunch but that morning he found out that a gift he ordered would not be arriving in time for Christmas and he had to hit the mall. Instead of canceling the date, we decided to make that our activity...keep in mind that I HATE shopping and even more so during the holiday season. He had such a great attitude and sense of humor that it made even shopping enjoyable.
Potentially good first date ideas that actually went astray:
1. Concert that was so loud that my ears were ringing for the entire following day. I couldn't hear a word he said after the show and I'm pretty sure that some of my responses were totally inappropriate to what he was saying.
2. Meeting up with some of his friends for drinks. It turned out that they were at a strip club.
3. Hiking. He fell and scraped his knee and went from a charming, funny guy into the whiniest, poutiest, most ill-tempered first date ever.
Moral of the story:
The activity is never as important as the company........unless it involves sticking dollar bills in half-naked womens' g-strings.
1. Brought his little daughter with him. Seemed like a bad idea but she was so sweet and adorable that it turned out she was the best part of the date.
2. Motorcycle ride. It seemed a bit too intimate for a first date but we had a great time and I found out that I have a love for riding bikes.
3. Christmas shopping. We had made a date for lunch but that morning he found out that a gift he ordered would not be arriving in time for Christmas and he had to hit the mall. Instead of canceling the date, we decided to make that our activity...keep in mind that I HATE shopping and even more so during the holiday season. He had such a great attitude and sense of humor that it made even shopping enjoyable.
Potentially good first date ideas that actually went astray:
1. Concert that was so loud that my ears were ringing for the entire following day. I couldn't hear a word he said after the show and I'm pretty sure that some of my responses were totally inappropriate to what he was saying.
2. Meeting up with some of his friends for drinks. It turned out that they were at a strip club.
3. Hiking. He fell and scraped his knee and went from a charming, funny guy into the whiniest, poutiest, most ill-tempered first date ever.
Moral of the story:
The activity is never as important as the company........unless it involves sticking dollar bills in half-naked womens' g-strings.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Day Eighteen-Is This a Silly Question?
A friend of mine recently commented on Tactic #1 in Chapter 2 of the Single Girls Handbook: "In order to avoid the temptation to sleep with someone on the first date, DO NOT shave your legs and DO wear your rattiest pair of underroos."
This got me thinking...do men have a stand-by tactic to avoid sleeping with someone on the first date?
This got me thinking...do men have a stand-by tactic to avoid sleeping with someone on the first date?
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Day Seventeen-Research
I'm a Googler. If you give me your last name before we are to meet, I will DEFINITELY Google you and then some. Usually there is really nothing scandalous to see; however, I did once cancel on someone partly based on what I discovered in my search.
One of the things that will usually pop up in a Google search is your Facebook profile. Most people have their account "private" so there's not much to see...unless your Friends list is public. I had agreed to meet Mr. M for drinks and he happily provided me with his last name for my Googling purposes. As expected, only his Facebook came up and yes, it was private; however, his public Friends list was chock full of half-naked women. If you have a Facebook, you've probably at some point or another been sent a Friend Request from a half-naked woman (often in another state or country). I didn't think anyone actually accepted those requests, but apparently I was mistaken. At least one third of his Friends were of that nature.
That in itself isn't why I canceled. The day before we were to meet I spoke with him on the phone, during which time he mentioned that I should bring a swimsuit with me because he had a hot tub at his place. Really?! Keep in mind that I've never met him in person and this is a first date. Hot tub at your place. Seriously??? So now, armed with the half-naked women info and given this hot tub scenario, I decided that he's probably looking for a totally different type of "date"........
One of the things that will usually pop up in a Google search is your Facebook profile. Most people have their account "private" so there's not much to see...unless your Friends list is public. I had agreed to meet Mr. M for drinks and he happily provided me with his last name for my Googling purposes. As expected, only his Facebook came up and yes, it was private; however, his public Friends list was chock full of half-naked women. If you have a Facebook, you've probably at some point or another been sent a Friend Request from a half-naked woman (often in another state or country). I didn't think anyone actually accepted those requests, but apparently I was mistaken. At least one third of his Friends were of that nature.
That in itself isn't why I canceled. The day before we were to meet I spoke with him on the phone, during which time he mentioned that I should bring a swimsuit with me because he had a hot tub at his place. Really?! Keep in mind that I've never met him in person and this is a first date. Hot tub at your place. Seriously??? So now, armed with the half-naked women info and given this hot tub scenario, I decided that he's probably looking for a totally different type of "date"........
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Day Sixteen-On a Slightly Serious Note
I find that I get a little worn down and even a bit sad every time that I meet up with someone really wonderful......who also happens to somehow not be the wonderful for me in particular. It's almost like a wee, mini break-up each time. Especially doing the online thing. By the time that you meet in person, you've already emailed for a while (or longer), possibly spoken on the phone, and now have a certain amount of excited anticipation that this person might be SOMEONE SPECIAL. And, of course, they are someone special, just not the someone special for you. It's like playing the board game Sorry...now you've been sent back to the starting block once again and the odds are pretty good that you'll be back there yet again, but you need to not carry that with you into the future.
I guess that's the difference between dating to find someone and dating for sport. There are a LOT of sport daters online. The good ones are upfront about being catch and release sport daters...the other ones pretend that they could possibly be looking for a relationship but have been on the website for 4 years now (you can tell because they haven't bothered updating their profile and it refers to "recently" starting something in 2007).
I'm not even good at dating more than one person at a time (the general basis for the activity of dating as opposed to being in a relationship). In fact, I think I might possibly be on the list of Top Ten Inept Daters. I give out way too much information, can't play the cat and mouse game, and am totally accessible and open...everything that every dating book tells you not to be. I guess it's no wonder that I'm still single huh?
Funny thing is that lately I've actually met a few really great guys online (the oddball stories still far outweigh the positive ones, but the positive ones have been really good). Unfortunately, other factors precluded these few great guys from becoming anything more than platonic friends and of course, no one joins a dating site to make a friend (well...except for those guys looking for a friend with benefits which doesn't quite constitute an actual friend). In fact, it's happened so frequently lately that, as I often do, I'm taking it as some sort of sign. And being as inept a sign interpreter as I am a dater, I have absolutely no idea what it all means, but I'm pretty sure there's a message in there somewhere. At least, I think so........
I guess that's the difference between dating to find someone and dating for sport. There are a LOT of sport daters online. The good ones are upfront about being catch and release sport daters...the other ones pretend that they could possibly be looking for a relationship but have been on the website for 4 years now (you can tell because they haven't bothered updating their profile and it refers to "recently" starting something in 2007).
I'm not even good at dating more than one person at a time (the general basis for the activity of dating as opposed to being in a relationship). In fact, I think I might possibly be on the list of Top Ten Inept Daters. I give out way too much information, can't play the cat and mouse game, and am totally accessible and open...everything that every dating book tells you not to be. I guess it's no wonder that I'm still single huh?
Funny thing is that lately I've actually met a few really great guys online (the oddball stories still far outweigh the positive ones, but the positive ones have been really good). Unfortunately, other factors precluded these few great guys from becoming anything more than platonic friends and of course, no one joins a dating site to make a friend (well...except for those guys looking for a friend with benefits which doesn't quite constitute an actual friend). In fact, it's happened so frequently lately that, as I often do, I'm taking it as some sort of sign. And being as inept a sign interpreter as I am a dater, I have absolutely no idea what it all means, but I'm pretty sure there's a message in there somewhere. At least, I think so........
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Ewww Moment of the Day
I was enjoying a lovely day at Lanikai Beach when Creepy Guy (in Speedos no less) asks me if I mind putting lotion on his back. Really? There are hundreds of people at Lanikai and he has to sit near me and ask me if I mind putting lotion on his back?!?! Do I give off an aura that only creepy folk can see?
By the way, I told Creepy Guy that "Sorry, but yes I mind because I'm a germaphobe."
Really??
By the way, I told Creepy Guy that "Sorry, but yes I mind because I'm a germaphobe."
Really??
Friday, January 13, 2012
Day Fifteen-Signs
I am a firm believer in signs (no, not traffic, directional, or warning)...Universal Signs. Unfortunately my belief has no real rhyme or reason and I also seem to have misplaced the instructional manual...so I tend to just make it up as I go along.
For instance, I had been emailing with Running Man for a short time. Nothing really came of it and we eventually ceased writing. One day, as I was driving to the beach, there he is running down the sidewalk. You might wonder how I recognized him in that abbreviated moment....well Running Man has a ponytail and I was also driving through the town he lives in. So of course, I take this as a sign.
I emailed him to say that I believe I spotted him running earlier in the day and he writes back that we should meet up for coffee. During conversation it comes up that Running Man doesn't leave the house much....or really at all (unless he's going to work or....you guessed it....running). That was a bit unusual but okay....so he's a homebody. I'm not one to go out all the time either. Well turns out that Running Man really should be Chinese Crested Man because he apparently shaves his entire body (except his ponytail of course). Yes. Entire body. Brings a whole new meaning to the term "manscaping". So I'm sitting there thinking...."Geez....does that mean that he would expect the person he's with to shave their ENTIRE body as well?". Imagine the razor stubble. And the time spent on this activity that could be spent on say.....running instead. And really.......WHY??
Wish I could find that instructional manual.....
For instance, I had been emailing with Running Man for a short time. Nothing really came of it and we eventually ceased writing. One day, as I was driving to the beach, there he is running down the sidewalk. You might wonder how I recognized him in that abbreviated moment....well Running Man has a ponytail and I was also driving through the town he lives in. So of course, I take this as a sign.
I emailed him to say that I believe I spotted him running earlier in the day and he writes back that we should meet up for coffee. During conversation it comes up that Running Man doesn't leave the house much....or really at all (unless he's going to work or....you guessed it....running). That was a bit unusual but okay....so he's a homebody. I'm not one to go out all the time either. Well turns out that Running Man really should be Chinese Crested Man because he apparently shaves his entire body (except his ponytail of course). Yes. Entire body. Brings a whole new meaning to the term "manscaping". So I'm sitting there thinking...."Geez....does that mean that he would expect the person he's with to shave their ENTIRE body as well?". Imagine the razor stubble. And the time spent on this activity that could be spent on say.....running instead. And really.......WHY??
Wish I could find that instructional manual.....
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Day Fourteen-Never As It Seems
A while back, a co-worker and I were talking about how our initial impressions of people can change drastically once we really get to know them. People are so rarely what they seem based on their "public persona". While I don't have any reservations about sharing my dirty laundry over the internet (although I probably really should); it does give me pause to think that people may think that they know me based on random light musings of my personal life. Someone recently made a comment towards my flippancy...nothing is ever as simple as it may seem.....
I have had two black eyes in my life...one from an avocado (yes, really) and one from an ex with a lousy temper (and a rather weak right jab); I have dealt with a medical disorder for most of my life which has landed me in the emergency room on two occasions and for a period of time, caused a seemingly endless series of trials and tribulations (some bordering on amusing, many others not so much); I was robbed at knife point (so don't ever think it would be cute to startle me from behind); I've been run into three times (in my car by other cars); my house has been burglarized (I really have very little of monetary value so what I lost was priceless); my cars have been broken into and stolen; and I've been lied to, cheated on, and stolen from by people who I entrusted with my faith, heart, and possessions.
Everyone has their story...their demons...their hurdles to jump over or sometimes run into or sometimes trip over headfirst. Some people choose to turn their story into a drama...some into an adventure...I prefer to turn mine into an offbeat comedy. The one constant I have found is that if I can still find some humor...no matter how dark, warped, even slightly disturbing...then I am still finding a reason to continue creating my story and that will always be a good thing.
I have had two black eyes in my life...one from an avocado (yes, really) and one from an ex with a lousy temper (and a rather weak right jab); I have dealt with a medical disorder for most of my life which has landed me in the emergency room on two occasions and for a period of time, caused a seemingly endless series of trials and tribulations (some bordering on amusing, many others not so much); I was robbed at knife point (so don't ever think it would be cute to startle me from behind); I've been run into three times (in my car by other cars); my house has been burglarized (I really have very little of monetary value so what I lost was priceless); my cars have been broken into and stolen; and I've been lied to, cheated on, and stolen from by people who I entrusted with my faith, heart, and possessions.
Everyone has their story...their demons...their hurdles to jump over or sometimes run into or sometimes trip over headfirst. Some people choose to turn their story into a drama...some into an adventure...I prefer to turn mine into an offbeat comedy. The one constant I have found is that if I can still find some humor...no matter how dark, warped, even slightly disturbing...then I am still finding a reason to continue creating my story and that will always be a good thing.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Day Thirteen-Probation
I believe the Universal Dating Rule is that there is a probationary period (like with a new job). It varies slightly from person to person but what I'm lead to understand is that the first few dates (let's say, less than six) is the Acute Probationary Period. At this time either party can simply disappear (not return calls, text, emails) for any reason and none need be provided (unless you choose to). Is there any good way to be told that you're just not someone's cup of tea? I'm thinking no......not so much.
If you make it past the Acute Probationary Period you then enter into the Regular Probationary Period (let's say, three months). During this time it is required (and in good taste) to provide a reason for dismissal...documentation, while it could substantiate a case, is not needed and could actually lead to further discussion which is not always a good thing at this point.
A number of years back I dated Boeing Guy. We went out for oh....about 4-5 dates...we spoke often on the phone...things were looking good. During one of our phone calls he mentioned that he once went out with a woman for about two months and things were going really well and then POOF...she vanished. No returned calls...no explanation...never saw her again. It baffled him, but whatcha gonna do? Well, about a week after this story POOF...he vanished. No returned call...no explanation...never saw him again. I came to the conclusion that they were both abducted by the same strain of aliens and were now being subjected to various, unspeakable experiments, but hey! at least he knows what happened to her now.
I've been cut from the roster and sent back down to the minor leagues during Acute Probationary Period countless times...some were totally expected and actually appreciated...and some were surprising and have lead me to making up various stories to explain the disappearance: (the preceding alien abduction story), the disfiguring car accident and now hiding from the world story, the head trauma and subsequent amnesia story (without the part where Sandra Bullock makes up a story that she's your fiance), the witness protection story, and the got drunk and married in Vegas over the weekend story. I have a few more specific to the individual (and am constantly creating new ones on an as needed basis). In any case, the stories are simply to distract from what could otherwise be a bit of a self-esteem shrinker....although...as I've gotten older (and dated more...and more...and more...) I've learned to keep my perspective. In the same way that not every guy out there is the right guy for me specifically (even as much as he could be a fantastic, wonderful human being)...I can't be the right woman for every guy that I might be interested in. That's the big catch isn't it? Sometimes it's all a matter of millimeters and nanoseconds with a bit of serendipity.
If you make it past the Acute Probationary Period you then enter into the Regular Probationary Period (let's say, three months). During this time it is required (and in good taste) to provide a reason for dismissal...documentation, while it could substantiate a case, is not needed and could actually lead to further discussion which is not always a good thing at this point.
A number of years back I dated Boeing Guy. We went out for oh....about 4-5 dates...we spoke often on the phone...things were looking good. During one of our phone calls he mentioned that he once went out with a woman for about two months and things were going really well and then POOF...she vanished. No returned calls...no explanation...never saw her again. It baffled him, but whatcha gonna do? Well, about a week after this story POOF...he vanished. No returned call...no explanation...never saw him again. I came to the conclusion that they were both abducted by the same strain of aliens and were now being subjected to various, unspeakable experiments, but hey! at least he knows what happened to her now.
I've been cut from the roster and sent back down to the minor leagues during Acute Probationary Period countless times...some were totally expected and actually appreciated...and some were surprising and have lead me to making up various stories to explain the disappearance: (the preceding alien abduction story), the disfiguring car accident and now hiding from the world story, the head trauma and subsequent amnesia story (without the part where Sandra Bullock makes up a story that she's your fiance), the witness protection story, and the got drunk and married in Vegas over the weekend story. I have a few more specific to the individual (and am constantly creating new ones on an as needed basis). In any case, the stories are simply to distract from what could otherwise be a bit of a self-esteem shrinker....although...as I've gotten older (and dated more...and more...and more...) I've learned to keep my perspective. In the same way that not every guy out there is the right guy for me specifically (even as much as he could be a fantastic, wonderful human being)...I can't be the right woman for every guy that I might be interested in. That's the big catch isn't it? Sometimes it's all a matter of millimeters and nanoseconds with a bit of serendipity.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Day Twelve-Food for Thought?
I just read this in an article:
"When someone is available and decent something inside of us knows (this person) can get to our nest, our soul - the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our unconscious gets panicked. If you find yourself breaking up with someone awesome for no good reason, check yourself; you might be acting out of fear. After all, real love is a big deal. It involves a leap of faith, and that can be a scary thing. Those who give in to the Wave fall out of love before they even give themselves a chance to fall properly in love, and that's kind of sad."
Or then again, maybe you're just not really into them.
"When someone is available and decent something inside of us knows (this person) can get to our nest, our soul - the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our unconscious gets panicked. If you find yourself breaking up with someone awesome for no good reason, check yourself; you might be acting out of fear. After all, real love is a big deal. It involves a leap of faith, and that can be a scary thing. Those who give in to the Wave fall out of love before they even give themselves a chance to fall properly in love, and that's kind of sad."
Or then again, maybe you're just not really into them.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Day Eleven-Try, Try Again
I am an optimistic person by nature (I seriously made plans for the money that I would be winning every time I bought a lotto ticket); however, after 193 first dates and 3 second dates, I am beginning to lose my natural excitement for meeting people.
A little while back I was to meet someone outside of a restaurant/bar. I pulled into the parking lot and noticed a guy standing outside. He didn't notice me (he was on his cell) and as I circled the full parking lot I got a quick glance at him and realized (with a tiny bit of shock) that he was the person that I was meeting.......except that he looked about 15 years older than his photographs. I exited the parking lot, and no, I didn't drive off (although I would be lying if I didn't say that the thought briefly crossed my mind)...made a loop around the block and gave the parking lot (and the date) a second chance. On this second passing he saw me and waved (and there also happened to be open parking) so running away was no longer an option.
Up close I realized that I was mistaken......he actually looked about 20 years older than his pictures. I dunno if they were old shots or if he was the incarnation of Dorian Gray and someone had recently destroyed the original painting, but it wasn't pretty. Anyway, I tried to focus on the conversation but even that didn't go well....he talked about his previous million dollar business...his expensive homes...his athletic prowess. If I wasn't attracted to him before, I definitely wasn't now.
Everyone reminds me to have an exit strategy for dates that aren't going well. I always forget......or maybe I really am still a hopeless optimist after all.
A little while back I was to meet someone outside of a restaurant/bar. I pulled into the parking lot and noticed a guy standing outside. He didn't notice me (he was on his cell) and as I circled the full parking lot I got a quick glance at him and realized (with a tiny bit of shock) that he was the person that I was meeting.......except that he looked about 15 years older than his photographs. I exited the parking lot, and no, I didn't drive off (although I would be lying if I didn't say that the thought briefly crossed my mind)...made a loop around the block and gave the parking lot (and the date) a second chance. On this second passing he saw me and waved (and there also happened to be open parking) so running away was no longer an option.
Up close I realized that I was mistaken......he actually looked about 20 years older than his pictures. I dunno if they were old shots or if he was the incarnation of Dorian Gray and someone had recently destroyed the original painting, but it wasn't pretty. Anyway, I tried to focus on the conversation but even that didn't go well....he talked about his previous million dollar business...his expensive homes...his athletic prowess. If I wasn't attracted to him before, I definitely wasn't now.
Everyone reminds me to have an exit strategy for dates that aren't going well. I always forget......or maybe I really am still a hopeless optimist after all.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Day Ten-Age
I have been receiving a lot of emails from men over 60. I never used to. I'm not sure if I should be insulted or just be thankful that I'm getting any emails. I'll be the first to say that you can't judge a person strictly by their chronological age, in the same way that you can't accurately deduce what a person is like strictly by their appearance; however, it does give me pause for thought when you're closer in age to my mom than to me.
"I seem much younger than my age." Really? Do you seem 20 years younger than your age because you're 66 and I'm 46 (and a relatively immature 46 at that)? Really??
For a long time I seemed to always end up with partners younger than me. Then I hit 46 and suddenly I'm a hit with the geriatric crowd. I'm still trying to process this one.
I can't help but think......when I'm your age, you'll be................dead.
"I seem much younger than my age." Really? Do you seem 20 years younger than your age because you're 66 and I'm 46 (and a relatively immature 46 at that)? Really??
For a long time I seemed to always end up with partners younger than me. Then I hit 46 and suddenly I'm a hit with the geriatric crowd. I'm still trying to process this one.
I can't help but think......when I'm your age, you'll be................dead.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Day Nine-Who Are You?
I was thinking that it might be a good thing if online dating profiles were created by friends of the potential dater rather than the dater themself. For instance, I wrote myself a profile that sounds a bit odd...quirky...funny because that's pretty much how I view myself. My friends may have a different opinion. I've already been told that I need to take down some of the pictures that I posted because they're not particularly flattering (I thought they were just fine) and that perhaps I should tone down the quirky factor so as to actually attract men (I was attempting to immediately filter out the ones with no sense of humor). A friend pointed out that sometimes you need to gently ease people into your life rather than smacking them on the side of the head. Apparently I'm an expert smacker.
Men, in general, don't write a whole lot in their profile. You're lucky if you get 3 complete sentences. You're really lucky if you get something more than "I enjoy doing fun stuff. I like to eat good food. I don't like drama." I guess they're just banking on their good looks which is even more baffling when there is no picture to support any type of look. They usually close with "I'm not good at talking about myself." Is that because you're not good at talking about any subject in general? Or is it because you haven't figured out just who you are yet? Or is it just due to a lack of writing skills? Hence the suggestion of having a friend compose something slightly personalized.
I went out with Reasonably Tall Guy who stood about six feet (at least that's what his profile said). While we were having a drink and talking about family, he mentioned how he was the lucky one out of his brothers because he was the only one with all his hair. Sure enough, he had a full head of hair......well........until I went to the restroom and on my return came walking up behind him. There it was. The strangest little bald spot on the back of his head. There's no way I would have seen it otherwise because he's a good ten inches taller than me and it was sorta atop his head....almost like a very little hat. I almost stopped and said he had something in his hair but caught myself just in time. Poor guy. One day I'm sure someone will mention it to him when he tells that story once again. (By the way, the bald spot had nothing to do with why I didn't go out with him again).
Are we really incapable of providing an accurate description of ourselves? And if we can't even do that much, how are we supposed to accurately describe who we are looking for?
Men, in general, don't write a whole lot in their profile. You're lucky if you get 3 complete sentences. You're really lucky if you get something more than "I enjoy doing fun stuff. I like to eat good food. I don't like drama." I guess they're just banking on their good looks which is even more baffling when there is no picture to support any type of look. They usually close with "I'm not good at talking about myself." Is that because you're not good at talking about any subject in general? Or is it because you haven't figured out just who you are yet? Or is it just due to a lack of writing skills? Hence the suggestion of having a friend compose something slightly personalized.
I went out with Reasonably Tall Guy who stood about six feet (at least that's what his profile said). While we were having a drink and talking about family, he mentioned how he was the lucky one out of his brothers because he was the only one with all his hair. Sure enough, he had a full head of hair......well........until I went to the restroom and on my return came walking up behind him. There it was. The strangest little bald spot on the back of his head. There's no way I would have seen it otherwise because he's a good ten inches taller than me and it was sorta atop his head....almost like a very little hat. I almost stopped and said he had something in his hair but caught myself just in time. Poor guy. One day I'm sure someone will mention it to him when he tells that story once again. (By the way, the bald spot had nothing to do with why I didn't go out with him again).
Are we really incapable of providing an accurate description of ourselves? And if we can't even do that much, how are we supposed to accurately describe who we are looking for?
Monday, January 2, 2012
Day Eight-Ghost of the Past
There is something so lovely and optimistic about new beginnings....well, at least for me. And luckily, due to my pathetic memory, life is just full of new beginnings without much carryover from previous experiences. Unfortunately, my pathetic memory can also cause me to make the same or similar mistakes more than once.
I first did the online thing shortly after my previous boyfriend and I broke up. Usually I'll get a tattoo as my gesture towards closure and moving on to a new phase of my life. This time, I think because I was a bit downtrodden and hurt (he had made his own gesture towards closure and moving on by actually moving on with another woman before we broke up) I decided to take my issues out to the dating world.
I started emailing with this really nice guy, Agent J, and I soon found out that one of his hobbies was riding unicycles. Unicycles? Who rides unicycles? Well apparently Agent J and also the ex. They also shared a few other similarities (which of course I can't recall at this point) but unicycles? Really? So now I'm thinking that this must be a sign......I have no idea what it's a sign of or if it's good? bad? a warning? just weird coincidence? So I stop communicating with him (I know what you're thinking....lucky for him).
Well, many months later I notice that he is back online. I email him to apologize for blowing him off because at this point I'm under the impression that I'm not so much of a mess as I was earlier. We end up talking on the phone and all seems well and we actually agree to meet for dinner. I have since decided that you should NEVER meet for dinner from an online dating site........drinks...coffee (for those non-drinkers of which there seems to be quite a few now)...something that could be expedited if needed. Anyway needless to say that dinner kinda fell flat because the poor guy (once again) just kept reminding me of the ex. And before you think that I haven't come to terms with the break up, no one else has ever reminded me of the ex.....just Agent J. So maybe it was some sort of kismet that we meet.....although I am still unsure why. Perhaps it was to remind me not to revisit the past. Let the past mistakes go...let the past hurt and deceit go...let the nice guy who you blew off once go...sometimes life affords you second chances and sometimes you just really need to let go and embrace your new beginnings.
I first did the online thing shortly after my previous boyfriend and I broke up. Usually I'll get a tattoo as my gesture towards closure and moving on to a new phase of my life. This time, I think because I was a bit downtrodden and hurt (he had made his own gesture towards closure and moving on by actually moving on with another woman before we broke up) I decided to take my issues out to the dating world.
I started emailing with this really nice guy, Agent J, and I soon found out that one of his hobbies was riding unicycles. Unicycles? Who rides unicycles? Well apparently Agent J and also the ex. They also shared a few other similarities (which of course I can't recall at this point) but unicycles? Really? So now I'm thinking that this must be a sign......I have no idea what it's a sign of or if it's good? bad? a warning? just weird coincidence? So I stop communicating with him (I know what you're thinking....lucky for him).
Well, many months later I notice that he is back online. I email him to apologize for blowing him off because at this point I'm under the impression that I'm not so much of a mess as I was earlier. We end up talking on the phone and all seems well and we actually agree to meet for dinner. I have since decided that you should NEVER meet for dinner from an online dating site........drinks...coffee (for those non-drinkers of which there seems to be quite a few now)...something that could be expedited if needed. Anyway needless to say that dinner kinda fell flat because the poor guy (once again) just kept reminding me of the ex. And before you think that I haven't come to terms with the break up, no one else has ever reminded me of the ex.....just Agent J. So maybe it was some sort of kismet that we meet.....although I am still unsure why. Perhaps it was to remind me not to revisit the past. Let the past mistakes go...let the past hurt and deceit go...let the nice guy who you blew off once go...sometimes life affords you second chances and sometimes you just really need to let go and embrace your new beginnings.
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