I have bipolar disorder. I believe that I've had it for my entire life, but it was officially diagnosed while in my 20's (when it was still referred to as manic/depression). I wasn't planning on mentioning my condition in this blog, but it does seem to make a guest starring cameo appearance in my life from time to time and has really shaped the person who I've become. I also had a very dear friend who had a form of muscular dystrophy. At the point when his illness kept him housebound for the majority of the time, I suggested that he pen a blog. My argument was that if he could reach one other person, who now would feel that they were not alone in their situation, then it somehow gave reason to his physical state. I think that rationale was really more for me than for him.
For clarification, bipolar disorder is not your co-worker/husband/girlfriend who one minute is cheerful and the next is chewing the paint off the walls. I believe the clinical term for that condition is "moody bastard". I can't speak for everyone who is bipolar because the disorder can manifest itself very differently in each person. In general, I can have anywhere from three to eight "cycles" in a year. A cycle consists of the euphoria of a manic episode followed by the downward spiral of a depressive episode. The entire cycle usually lasts a few weeks. And once again, the emotions involved in either cycle are not your average run of the mill happy and sad...the happy will make me feel omnipotent...indestructible, and the sad will make me want to completely disappear. I've attempted disappearing twice in my life. When my symptoms were at their worst, I recall laying in bed and calmly trying to decide if I should get up and have breakfast or kill myself. That's it in a very small, condensed, simplified nutshell.
I have chosen to be off medication for much of my life. Again, I can't recommend that to anyone...it can be difficult...dangerous...disastrous at times. For the most part, as I've gotten older, my symptoms are much less severe, I've become much quicker at recognizing warning signs, and I've also become much more adept at figuring out how to keep my balance. My current biggest challenge is that I really don't sleep much.
I kinda view my disorder as walking a tight rope. At first it...I...was a mess. I was constantly falling to one side or the other...rarely ever staying on the rope. As time went on and I practiced my balancing act, I became much more skilled at staying on the rope. At this point in my life I manage to spend the majority of my time on the rope...reasonably well balanced, but I still need to be aware of gusts of wind that can throw my balance off...people who get on the rope with me and either assist my walk or wreak havoc...and times when I just get weary and lose my focus.
I have only recently begun to talk about my condition (even to very close friends). I'm sure part of the reason is that I've learned to manage it so that it doesn't pose as much of a threat to me as it used to. Of course, the main reason NOT to reveal my situation is that this is a psychiatric, medical diagnosis. You can tell people...even strangers...that you have a medical condition (diabetes, heart condition, cancer, etc) and they will generally be understanding, maybe sympathetic; however, tell anyone that you have a psychiatric disorder and you probably won't see them again. And I do mean that both in the dating world and in the social world in general. Someone once said to me "How do I know that you won't have a serious relapse one day?"....well how do I know that you won't have a heart attack? or cancer? or get hit by an MTS bus? or run off with a 24-year old? There are no guarantees in life........for anyone. I can't guarantee that all hell will never, ever break lose again...but I do know that I treasure even the littlest things...the simplest kind gestures...the wonderful people who enter into my life...possibly more than the average person because I know how extremely precarious life can really be.
Brings a whole new meaning to the name of my blog now huh?
Thanks for sharing that Buttons.....
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