I was recently talking with someone about the parameters that we set in order to find our "match". For a long time I was the person who had NO parameters. If we were attracted to one another and everything was fine (and sometimes even if it wasn't) it would turn into a relationship and one day, a few years down the road (when I actually thought about it), I would realize that this person really wasn't "the one". It was the snowball that rolled down the hill and grew from what should have been a few dates into a few years.
So that got me thinking that I really should be more proactive and make a list (no, not a literal list but at least a mental one) of qualities that I think would be highly compatible with me and perhaps lead to a lifelong (as opposed to a few years) relationship. The problem with lists like that is there are a number of people who might not possess the exact specifications on your list, but perhaps they have NEW qualities...qualities that you may not have yet encountered but that would actually be something wonderful to add to your life. Or maybe they have qualities that you feel are definite deal breakers, but given the opportunity to know the person, it really wouldn't be as big an issue as you initially thought.
For instance, I met someone who smoked. On his profile he stated that he was a non-smoker. It honestly doesn't matter to me either way, as long as he doesn't throw his cigarette butts out of the car window because that really is a deal breaker. Anyway, so he didn't smoke around me on our first date; however, on the second date we ended up on a rather long car ride. At some point the conversation led to the smoking topic and he finally admitted that he lied on the profile because he felt that he would automatically be crossed off lists everywhere based on the fact that he smoked. His argument was that if women got to know him and realized that he is a very considerate smoker, they might not have such an issue with it.
I also met someone who lied about his age on his profile. When you do a search for potential dates, it gives you various options to set...age, height, build, income, have children, want children, etc. He felt that his actual age, 42, would keep him off of searches from women that he would be compatible with (he was a very young, active 42). And actually I don't even know how I ended up on his radar because I was older than his search options.
For a while I used to think that I shouldn't date anyone with young children (because I don't have any and what the heck would I know about raising little humans when I can't even keep a plant or guppy alive?). Then I met someone with a 7-year old daughter. When our relationship ended, about a year and a half later, I was much more devastated at not seeing her than him.
As far as I can see, the only non-negotiable really is physical attraction. I even tried getting around that one thinking that perhaps attraction would develop based on how wonderful a person is in every other aspect. Big mistake.
So what is the moral of this story? I think if you've found the formula that really works for you (as far as equaling a happy relationship) then perhaps you should stick with it and the parameters that led to that equation. However if you're like me, and the equation is still a mystery, perhaps you (I) should try expanding the variables because maybe something really unexpectedly amazing is waiting around that corner that you always choose to pass.
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