Goals for 2012:
1. Defy gravity.
2. Find a new muse and rediscover my art.
3. Fall in love.
I'll be a joyful girl if I can accomplish at least two out of the three.
Hope you find your true joy and peace as well....
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
What Are You Doing New Years Eve? by Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-L...
LOVE this.....just had to share....
Day Six-Proclivities
A friend of mine once set me up with a friend of his. While having dinner we somehow got on the subject of "things that people might not guess about you"....at which point Foot Guy launched into his obsession with feet. Not like just massaging feet or pretty painted toenails on feet (although he appreciated those as well) but as in feet being rubbed all over him.....ALL over him. So much so, that I'm not sure if he even appreciated any other contact (I never found out personally).
I rarely, if ever, get perturbed hearing about people's idiosyncrasies....in fact, it will probably make me want to be your best friend, so the foot thing wouldn't have been an issue if I didn't have the world's ugliest feet. No...let me reconsider...yeah, I'm not sure if I could've been satisfied if the entirety of our physical relationship consisted of only foot contact.
The other day, a friend mentioned that she believes that you need to have sex with someone at least twice to figure out if it'll work or not. I subscribe to the three times rule. The first time is rarely ever good....it's sort of like ballroom dancing...you need to figure out who is leading and at which points...find the correct rhythm...it's difficult balancing on heels...and you're naked in front of someone for the first time (well, okay that doesn't apply to dancing). The second time you're more comfortable and heck, the question of whether or not you're getting laid has already been answered. And by the third time the proclivities start to surface which can make for exceptional fun or a beeline for the door.
A friend of mine slept with a woman whose prosthetic leg came off during their first time...another had someone fall asleep...another was attacked by the cat...another said their date apparently contracted food poisoning over dinner and was wretchedly sick. I haven't had any memorable first time occurrences like the preceding however I once went out with a guy who had so many moles all over his torso that the 10,000 Maniacs song "the stars were so many there, they seemed to overlap" kept playing in my head.
I rarely, if ever, get perturbed hearing about people's idiosyncrasies....in fact, it will probably make me want to be your best friend, so the foot thing wouldn't have been an issue if I didn't have the world's ugliest feet. No...let me reconsider...yeah, I'm not sure if I could've been satisfied if the entirety of our physical relationship consisted of only foot contact.
The other day, a friend mentioned that she believes that you need to have sex with someone at least twice to figure out if it'll work or not. I subscribe to the three times rule. The first time is rarely ever good....it's sort of like ballroom dancing...you need to figure out who is leading and at which points...find the correct rhythm...it's difficult balancing on heels...and you're naked in front of someone for the first time (well, okay that doesn't apply to dancing). The second time you're more comfortable and heck, the question of whether or not you're getting laid has already been answered. And by the third time the proclivities start to surface which can make for exceptional fun or a beeline for the door.
A friend of mine slept with a woman whose prosthetic leg came off during their first time...another had someone fall asleep...another was attacked by the cat...another said their date apparently contracted food poisoning over dinner and was wretchedly sick. I haven't had any memorable first time occurrences like the preceding however I once went out with a guy who had so many moles all over his torso that the 10,000 Maniacs song "the stars were so many there, they seemed to overlap" kept playing in my head.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Day Five-No Scrubs (thanks Sandra)
The best part about doing the lung-busting, heart attack-inducing trek up the tracks at Kokohead is that Kona Brewing Company is there to greet you at the bottom. One evening as I was having my post trek beer, a 20-something kid started a conversation with me at the bar....okay, conversation might be a bit of a stretch....he said "hi". Since all his 20-something buddies were at a table watching him, I thought I'd give the young man a break and engaged in conversation....okay, once again a bit of a stretch, but you get my drift.
Perhaps because at this point I had more than one beer...or perhaps because I was impressed that the young man actually came up to me at the bar after his buddies were all mocking him...or (most likely) because the young man was a really cute blonde surfer kid AND I had more than one beer, I gave him my number.
Note to self:
1). If you meet someone while slightly under the influence, you definitely should engage in actual conversation before agreeing to meet for dinner (we did so via text).
2). Cute will NEVER make up for intelligence (or lack thereof).
3). If someone says they will meet you at a destination it doesn't necessarily mean that they are considering your safety and ability to leave at any time.....it might actually mean that they DON'T OWN A CAR.
I know what you are all thinking...the only reason to go out with anyone 20 years younger (whether you are a man or woman) is for sex.
4). The older I get, the less that sexual attraction is based on simple physical attraction.
But even if you're intelligent, witty, and thoughtful, I'm still not riding on the back of your moped.....
Perhaps because at this point I had more than one beer...or perhaps because I was impressed that the young man actually came up to me at the bar after his buddies were all mocking him...or (most likely) because the young man was a really cute blonde surfer kid AND I had more than one beer, I gave him my number.
Note to self:
1). If you meet someone while slightly under the influence, you definitely should engage in actual conversation before agreeing to meet for dinner (we did so via text).
2). Cute will NEVER make up for intelligence (or lack thereof).
3). If someone says they will meet you at a destination it doesn't necessarily mean that they are considering your safety and ability to leave at any time.....it might actually mean that they DON'T OWN A CAR.
I know what you are all thinking...the only reason to go out with anyone 20 years younger (whether you are a man or woman) is for sex.
4). The older I get, the less that sexual attraction is based on simple physical attraction.
But even if you're intelligent, witty, and thoughtful, I'm still not riding on the back of your moped.....
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Day Four-First Contact
A few actual emails that I've received:
"You would be really pretty if you didn't have all those tattoos..."
(You might be really handsome but I can't tell with your head firmly planted up your ass like that.)
"I would really like to introduce you to Christ."
(Why? Is he single?)
"Do you have any full body pictures?"
(Yeah, I'm naked in all of them and they're all on the internet.)
"You said you're not sure about having children. Would you be open to changing your mind?"
(I'm not sure if I even want to email you, much less meet you, much less have sex with you, much less bear your bastard children...jumping the gun much?)
"I like women who dress very feminine, like dresses and heels, can you do that?"
(Well I usually only wear my stilettos to step on guy's penises every other Saturday...but maybe I can make an exception)
***No, I didn't actually send any response back to any of those emails***
And my favorite startling email:
"What was your time up Kokohead today?"
WTF!?!? A major pitfall to being distinctively tattooed is that people will recognize me off of a photograph....my response:
"I don't time myself but should I be worried that you're asking me this question?"
Kokohead Guy sent me a few more unrevealing (he had no photo), cryptic messages but I never did encounter anyone on the hill carrying a shovel, rope, and duct tape so I eventually stopped worrying.
And every once in a while someone will actually ask something interesting:
"What's your favorite shoe?"
"You would be really pretty if you didn't have all those tattoos..."
(You might be really handsome but I can't tell with your head firmly planted up your ass like that.)
"I would really like to introduce you to Christ."
(Why? Is he single?)
"Do you have any full body pictures?"
(Yeah, I'm naked in all of them and they're all on the internet.)
"You said you're not sure about having children. Would you be open to changing your mind?"
(I'm not sure if I even want to email you, much less meet you, much less have sex with you, much less bear your bastard children...jumping the gun much?)
"I like women who dress very feminine, like dresses and heels, can you do that?"
(Well I usually only wear my stilettos to step on guy's penises every other Saturday...but maybe I can make an exception)
***No, I didn't actually send any response back to any of those emails***
And my favorite startling email:
"What was your time up Kokohead today?"
WTF!?!? A major pitfall to being distinctively tattooed is that people will recognize me off of a photograph....my response:
"I don't time myself but should I be worried that you're asking me this question?"
Kokohead Guy sent me a few more unrevealing (he had no photo), cryptic messages but I never did encounter anyone on the hill carrying a shovel, rope, and duct tape so I eventually stopped worrying.
And every once in a while someone will actually ask something interesting:
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Day Three-On the Subject of Appearances
I received an email from Rookie and for a change, there seemed to be a certain amount of potential here (this was after receiving a majority of emails from men either 20 years older or 20 years younger than me....we'll go there later).
Rookie had 3 pictures posted and none were of his pets and none featured him in a baseball cap (a deceptive trick commonly utilized by men on dating websites). He was very witty and seemed to have all his stuff together and in the correct places. So we arrange to meet.
I was under the impression that I am a reasonably good actress at hiding my true emotions upon meeting someone who does not quite look like their photographs....you know, that look of surprise mixed with disappointment mixed with "oh shit". Apparently I am not. Upon ending the date, Rookie asked if I would like to go out again and nice guy that he is, he assisted me as I hemmed and hawed and attempted to say something that expressed "no" without hurting his feelings. He said he saw it on my face as soon as we met.
It wasn't TOO far off base.....he looked about 10 years older than the pictures...not too bad but I have come to find out that I am horribly unattracted to grown men who dress like 12-year old Boy Scouts. He had on a rather too small ringer t-shirt, rather too small and short shorts that didn't quite match the ringer, Keds sneakers, and over the ankle white socks....oh and a backpack. He seriously looked like an overgrown Boy Scout. And to top it off he smelled like Clearasil.......really Clearasil....
Rookie had 3 pictures posted and none were of his pets and none featured him in a baseball cap (a deceptive trick commonly utilized by men on dating websites). He was very witty and seemed to have all his stuff together and in the correct places. So we arrange to meet.
I was under the impression that I am a reasonably good actress at hiding my true emotions upon meeting someone who does not quite look like their photographs....you know, that look of surprise mixed with disappointment mixed with "oh shit". Apparently I am not. Upon ending the date, Rookie asked if I would like to go out again and nice guy that he is, he assisted me as I hemmed and hawed and attempted to say something that expressed "no" without hurting his feelings. He said he saw it on my face as soon as we met.
It wasn't TOO far off base.....he looked about 10 years older than the pictures...not too bad but I have come to find out that I am horribly unattracted to grown men who dress like 12-year old Boy Scouts. He had on a rather too small ringer t-shirt, rather too small and short shorts that didn't quite match the ringer, Keds sneakers, and over the ankle white socks....oh and a backpack. He seriously looked like an overgrown Boy Scout. And to top it off he smelled like Clearasil.......really Clearasil....
Monday, December 26, 2011
Day Two-Appearances
I'm a bit perplexed as to why anyone would join a dating site but not post a single photograph of themself.....or post 14 pictures of their dogs, yard, car, scenic view, and/or favorite meal. I'm not really interested in dating your dog...I'm also not interested in the type of car that you drive (or took a picture of)...it's nice that you like to document where you've been and what you consume but it's not gonna make me want to go out with you...and unless you're offering to do my yard as well, I'm not all that interested in your yardworking skills.
If you don't have a picture posted I can't help but assume one (or more) of the following:
1). You're married or in a relationship and are looking for some side action....in which case see Day One posting about lack of balls.
2). You're afraid that your friends/family will see that you've joined a dating site. Again see Day One posting. Also, wouldn't you wonder why they're perusing the site as well? I tell everyone that I'm on a dating site.....in case I mysteriously disappear one day at least they'll know where to start looking......
3). You're extremely unattractive (you know you were thinking that too).
A common phrase that the invisible people use is: "You won't be disappointed." WTF?!?! Let's be real.....I'm short, flat chested, I have a sixth toe growing out the side of my left foot, my hair is constantly unruly, my front tooth is chipped, my voice can make some people's skin crawl, and I have a distinctive style of dress that seems to be only appreciated by me......odds are pretty good that even with a photograph posted someone will definitely be disappointed. You have no picture........do you really want to go out on that limb?
If you don't have a picture posted I can't help but assume one (or more) of the following:
1). You're married or in a relationship and are looking for some side action....in which case see Day One posting about lack of balls.
2). You're afraid that your friends/family will see that you've joined a dating site. Again see Day One posting. Also, wouldn't you wonder why they're perusing the site as well? I tell everyone that I'm on a dating site.....in case I mysteriously disappear one day at least they'll know where to start looking......
3). You're extremely unattractive (you know you were thinking that too).
A common phrase that the invisible people use is: "You won't be disappointed." WTF?!?! Let's be real.....I'm short, flat chested, I have a sixth toe growing out the side of my left foot, my hair is constantly unruly, my front tooth is chipped, my voice can make some people's skin crawl, and I have a distinctive style of dress that seems to be only appreciated by me......odds are pretty good that even with a photograph posted someone will definitely be disappointed. You have no picture........do you really want to go out on that limb?
Day Two-Sexy
The english language is overflowing with descriptive words.....I've even been known to add to it by making up a few of my own. Sexy is a good word.....not quite so good though when used by a complete stranger. Would you really go up to someone you've never met and tell her that she's sexy?
One of the glitches in online dating is that you initially communicate via email and apparently people are comfortable.....too comfortable....emailing things that they probably wouldn't actually verbalize.
For instance.......I received an email that read: "Your (yes creepy guy has no grammar skills either) sexy. Do you have tats on your boobs?"
Seriously?
Seriously???
One of the glitches in online dating is that you initially communicate via email and apparently people are comfortable.....too comfortable....emailing things that they probably wouldn't actually verbalize.
For instance.......I received an email that read: "Your (yes creepy guy has no grammar skills either) sexy. Do you have tats on your boobs?"
Seriously?
Seriously???
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Day One-Online Dating
I've been single for a while now....maybe two years? Maybe more. I seem to travel in my own infinite circle on a daily basis making it challenging to meet a like-minded partner.....who is single...who isn't gay...has his own income...has bigger balls than me (no, not literally). So I decided to give online dating a shot. It hasn't been a particularly successful foray, but it has made for entertaining party stories like this one....
I met DeepSea Diver Guy and he was funny and attractive and witty and I started thinking that this online dating stuff was a pretty damn good idea. We saw each other several times and I suppose I should have recognized his waving red flag when he would get these stealthy knocks on his front door to which he would always go outside and close the door behind him. He chalked it up to an ex who was not getting the message and insisted on randomly dropping by. I'm pretty sure that in the Single Girl's Handbook, Chapter Four has something about not ignoring signs based on a person's attractiveness....but I dunno, I seem to have skipped over that part.
Then one night at a restaurant he suddenly freaks out and launches into a story about some guy sitting a few seats down the bar who he had a run in with. DeepSea Guy is obviously very upset but the other guy.....not so much...doesn't even seem to notice DeepSea Guy at all. He insists that we leave immediately (luckily I was done eating).
Then, the same night we hear some voices outside his place and what could possibly be another one of those stealthy knocks. DeepSea Guy runs to his closet, pulls out a revolver, and goes storming off to the door. I have no idea if his imaginary target practice was out there and no shots were fired but needless to say I never did see DeepSea Guy again. And I actually like firing guns.....just not at imaginary foes.
I met DeepSea Diver Guy and he was funny and attractive and witty and I started thinking that this online dating stuff was a pretty damn good idea. We saw each other several times and I suppose I should have recognized his waving red flag when he would get these stealthy knocks on his front door to which he would always go outside and close the door behind him. He chalked it up to an ex who was not getting the message and insisted on randomly dropping by. I'm pretty sure that in the Single Girl's Handbook, Chapter Four has something about not ignoring signs based on a person's attractiveness....but I dunno, I seem to have skipped over that part.
Then one night at a restaurant he suddenly freaks out and launches into a story about some guy sitting a few seats down the bar who he had a run in with. DeepSea Guy is obviously very upset but the other guy.....not so much...doesn't even seem to notice DeepSea Guy at all. He insists that we leave immediately (luckily I was done eating).
Then, the same night we hear some voices outside his place and what could possibly be another one of those stealthy knocks. DeepSea Guy runs to his closet, pulls out a revolver, and goes storming off to the door. I have no idea if his imaginary target practice was out there and no shots were fired but needless to say I never did see DeepSea Guy again. And I actually like firing guns.....just not at imaginary foes.
Day One
Manic Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG) is a stock character in films. Usually a static character with eccentric personality quirks and unabashedly girlish. "that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures."
Hence Manic Pixie REAL Girl....not so bubbly...not so shallow...and not only in your imagination.
Hence Manic Pixie REAL Girl....not so bubbly...not so shallow...and not only in your imagination.
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