Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Day Thirty One-Friends?
So now I've been mulling over the age old question of whether men and women can truly be friends. Friends as in the purest meaning of the word. Not friends with benefits...not friends who at one time saw one another naked...not friends as in mere acquaintances...but friends as in you can have meals together...talk about serious issues or trivial daily drivel...go to the movies or the beach...talk on the phone about something or nothing. Basically things that you would do with your girl friend (or guy friend).
I do have male friends, but only a couple who aren't gay and who (as far as I can see) fall into that category. We can hang out with no expectations other than our friendship......at least that's what I thought. After hearing a few male perspectives on the subject I'm not so sure now.
I have gone on a few dates with men who I had no romantic attraction to but who I thought were really interesting and would make a great friend. That suggestion generally doesn't pan out too well. I totally understand why. It's that equation that dictates that in every relationship there is always one person who cares more than the other person. The scale can (and often does) tip in either direction throughout the course of time, but as it is in life, nothing is completely symmetrical. The odds of running into someone (especially off of a dating site) and both of you feeling that you have no romantic interest but still find the other party to be a potentially compelling friend.....well it must be akin to the odds of finding the love of your life.
I'm under the assumption that it IS possible to have a platonic male/female relationship if:
#1. You're both not physically attracted to one another and...
#2. (for whatever reasons) You recognize that the other party would not be a suitable partner (ie: Yes, Jody, you're fun to hang out with but I would rather have my fingernails ripped off one by one than be in a relationship with you).
According to my male poll, if both #1 and #2 are not in effect and other factors are (ie: alcohol, feeling lonely because it's the holidays, just saw the ex with his/her new partner)...a rift in the friendship continuum could result which of course, would then change everything.....
Life would be so much simpler if everyone came equipped with those cartoon bubbles over their heads explaining exactly what is transpiring in their minds....
I do have male friends, but only a couple who aren't gay and who (as far as I can see) fall into that category. We can hang out with no expectations other than our friendship......at least that's what I thought. After hearing a few male perspectives on the subject I'm not so sure now.
I have gone on a few dates with men who I had no romantic attraction to but who I thought were really interesting and would make a great friend. That suggestion generally doesn't pan out too well. I totally understand why. It's that equation that dictates that in every relationship there is always one person who cares more than the other person. The scale can (and often does) tip in either direction throughout the course of time, but as it is in life, nothing is completely symmetrical. The odds of running into someone (especially off of a dating site) and both of you feeling that you have no romantic interest but still find the other party to be a potentially compelling friend.....well it must be akin to the odds of finding the love of your life.
I'm under the assumption that it IS possible to have a platonic male/female relationship if:
#1. You're both not physically attracted to one another and...
#2. (for whatever reasons) You recognize that the other party would not be a suitable partner (ie: Yes, Jody, you're fun to hang out with but I would rather have my fingernails ripped off one by one than be in a relationship with you).
According to my male poll, if both #1 and #2 are not in effect and other factors are (ie: alcohol, feeling lonely because it's the holidays, just saw the ex with his/her new partner)...a rift in the friendship continuum could result which of course, would then change everything.....
Life would be so much simpler if everyone came equipped with those cartoon bubbles over their heads explaining exactly what is transpiring in their minds....
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Day Thirty-Deal Breakers
First phone conversation with someone:
Guy: So, do you have any absolute deal breakers?
Me: Hmmmmmm....yeah I guess I do...but a lot of times I don't realize it until they pop up.
Guy: Any that you can think of off hand?
Me: Let's see......oh, definitely litterbugs...ultra-conservative political views...tufts of hair sprouting from various orifices...eh..maybe not because that could always be trimmed...
Guy: I really enjoy listening to New Age music....like Yanni.
Me: Oh...............I guess I missed one......
Guy: So, do you have any absolute deal breakers?
Me: Hmmmmmm....yeah I guess I do...but a lot of times I don't realize it until they pop up.
Guy: Any that you can think of off hand?
Me: Let's see......oh, definitely litterbugs...ultra-conservative political views...tufts of hair sprouting from various orifices...eh..maybe not because that could always be trimmed...
Guy: I really enjoy listening to New Age music....like Yanni.
Me: Oh...............I guess I missed one......
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Day Twenty Nine-High School
I received an email from someone that I went to high school with. He apparently did not recognize me and I honestly don't think that I would have recognized him except for the fact that he has an unusual first name. After seeing the name, his age, and given the fact that he grew up in Kaneohe, I was able to figure it out.
I was not a pretty or popular girl in high school...in fact, I think I could accurately describe myself as a geek (and not in a kinda cute Ally Sheedy from Breakfast Club way either). I had thick glasses, braces (and for a time headgear), acne, baby-fat, mismatched clothes, and no social skills.......save for Lasik and not requiring headgear any longer, not a whole lot has changed but I have learned to adapt to my circumstances and frankly, at this point in my life, I think I have earned being as weird as I choose to be. I can't quite recall what classification this guy fell under in school, but I am positive that he was much more in demand that I ever was.
So now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I am not interested in dating him however, I do feel like I should make some acknowledgement of our common background...after all, it is kinda funny (at least I thought it was funny). What to do, what to do?
I was not a pretty or popular girl in high school...in fact, I think I could accurately describe myself as a geek (and not in a kinda cute Ally Sheedy from Breakfast Club way either). I had thick glasses, braces (and for a time headgear), acne, baby-fat, mismatched clothes, and no social skills.......save for Lasik and not requiring headgear any longer, not a whole lot has changed but I have learned to adapt to my circumstances and frankly, at this point in my life, I think I have earned being as weird as I choose to be. I can't quite recall what classification this guy fell under in school, but I am positive that he was much more in demand that I ever was.
So now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I am not interested in dating him however, I do feel like I should make some acknowledgement of our common background...after all, it is kinda funny (at least I thought it was funny). What to do, what to do?
Monday, February 20, 2012
Day Twenty Eight-WotWentWrong?
There is now a site for daters who want to find out what went wrong (why the other party disappeared, never called back, etc). Do we really need to know?? Granted, there have been a few cases in my lifetime where I was a bit baffled for a little while.....but not enough to hound someone for an answer. Do I want to know that they didn't like my hair? Or thought that I dressed weird? Or that I laugh a little too loud? Not so much. Believe me, it's not that I think that I am perfect...in fact, I am about as far from perfect as a person could possibly be. I've been told by numerous exes the multitude of ways that I could alter myself to be more pleasing to their liking (probably why they are now exes). I've always believed that the whole point of dating is to find the person whose idiosyncrasies are in sync with yours...not to find someone to mold into what fits for you.
I have a friend who completely dissected every minute from every date that she had with this one fellow (who subsequently disappeared). Maybe she shouldn't have talked about this...or that. Maybe she seemed too independent. Maybe she should have called him more...or less. Maybe, maybe, maybe...maybe he just wasn't really feeling it. Maybe it's like the book said "he's just not that into you".
In the end, I believe that some things should be just let go to the Universe. You put yourself out there...be true to who you are...choose the path of least regret...and if it's not to someone's liking...well then I guess they weren't meant to be a part of your life.
I have a friend who completely dissected every minute from every date that she had with this one fellow (who subsequently disappeared). Maybe she shouldn't have talked about this...or that. Maybe she seemed too independent. Maybe she should have called him more...or less. Maybe, maybe, maybe...maybe he just wasn't really feeling it. Maybe it's like the book said "he's just not that into you".
In the end, I believe that some things should be just let go to the Universe. You put yourself out there...be true to who you are...choose the path of least regret...and if it's not to someone's liking...well then I guess they weren't meant to be a part of your life.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Day Twenty Seven-Vicinity
Actual email this morning:
"I don't go out much but I think we have a lot in common. Plus you live close by."
Wow.
I'm just hoping that I don't live THAT close by.
"I don't go out much but I think we have a lot in common. Plus you live close by."
Wow.
I'm just hoping that I don't live THAT close by.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Day Twenty Six-Special Dates
I am not a big fan of "special dates"......Valentine's Day for instance. They tend to bring back images of high school, peer pressure days and Janis Ian's "At Seventeen". That being said, I have found it to be of note that those who spout disdain over the commercialism/consumerism of "special dates" tend to be the same folk who generally make no effort to acknowledge any other random day of the year. They just like to justify their lack of effort by sounding intellectual. In general.......
My family is traditionally Japanese-American. We don't say "I love you", or hug, or openly express emotion. When I say "we" I really don't mean me because (as might have become apparent by now) I tend to be a live grenade of touchy-feely emotions. In any case, my mom used to occasionally stop at this little dress shop on her way home from work. Most of the time she didn't purchase anything for herself but she would often come home with a little toy for me. It wasn't anything expensive or elaborate...usually just a tiny stuffed doll. I still have every one of those toys that she brought home for me. Even just recalling receiving those items from her...all those many, many years ago...will bring tears to my eyes because I knew that she was thinking about me and it wasn't because it was my birthday...I didn't do anything noteworthy...I might not even have been on my best behavior that day but she wanted me to know that I was on her mind.
Words are important. Grand gestures are always lovely. A good hug is priceless. But it's amazing how just a small thoughtful act on any random day can sustain you for a lifetime.
My family is traditionally Japanese-American. We don't say "I love you", or hug, or openly express emotion. When I say "we" I really don't mean me because (as might have become apparent by now) I tend to be a live grenade of touchy-feely emotions. In any case, my mom used to occasionally stop at this little dress shop on her way home from work. Most of the time she didn't purchase anything for herself but she would often come home with a little toy for me. It wasn't anything expensive or elaborate...usually just a tiny stuffed doll. I still have every one of those toys that she brought home for me. Even just recalling receiving those items from her...all those many, many years ago...will bring tears to my eyes because I knew that she was thinking about me and it wasn't because it was my birthday...I didn't do anything noteworthy...I might not even have been on my best behavior that day but she wanted me to know that I was on her mind.
Words are important. Grand gestures are always lovely. A good hug is priceless. But it's amazing how just a small thoughtful act on any random day can sustain you for a lifetime.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Day Twenty Five-Dating Purgatory
....that's where I am currently hanging out. It's that place you end up at when you're kinda burned out on meeting people...have no new and possibly exciting adventures to look forward to...and decide to hang up your dating shoes for a while (yes, I know...I don't own any appropriate dating shoes).
It's always tempting to revisit the past when you're stewing in purgatory...call someone that you've dated previously to see what they're up to. Is that ever a good idea?
I was in a relationship with someone a number of years ago who had a reputation for being quite the ladies man........okay, he was a big slut. At the time I really wasn't sure if it was just hearsay (maybe even started by him because he also had quite the ego) but apparently it was true and to his credit he broke up with me before resuming his whoring ways. We actually worked in the same location so we would still see one another often but it was fine (I didn't harbor any ill will for being dumped).
As it turned out we were both residing in purgatory at the same time and one thing led to another and we ended up going out again. I generally follow the rule that you should never backtrack....for some reason it conjures up the image of that wad of gristly meat that you chew and chew and eventually spit out and would you really want to put it back in your mouth yet again?
Anyway, we went from our mutual purgatory hook up to getting back together. That should be the making for a lovely story to tell your grandchildren (well not the meat part) but once I was released from purgatory and back to my senses, I realized that my actions could be classified as duress from my stay in the dating semi-netherworld. It took me a few weeks to address the situation with him and in the meantime we also learned that he had fathered a child with his ex-girlfriend's best friend (who apparently thought that her boyfriend was the father until he failed a paternity test)....who he had an affair with (while still with the ex-girlfriend)....after he had convinced the ex-girlfriend to have an abortion when she had unexpectedly gotten pregnant. Now I was having images of gristly meat and Jerry Springer. Not good.
I think the moral of this story is that it's best to do whatever is necessary to entertain yourself while in purgatory other than chewing on cold, gristly meat.
It's always tempting to revisit the past when you're stewing in purgatory...call someone that you've dated previously to see what they're up to. Is that ever a good idea?
I was in a relationship with someone a number of years ago who had a reputation for being quite the ladies man........okay, he was a big slut. At the time I really wasn't sure if it was just hearsay (maybe even started by him because he also had quite the ego) but apparently it was true and to his credit he broke up with me before resuming his whoring ways. We actually worked in the same location so we would still see one another often but it was fine (I didn't harbor any ill will for being dumped).
As it turned out we were both residing in purgatory at the same time and one thing led to another and we ended up going out again. I generally follow the rule that you should never backtrack....for some reason it conjures up the image of that wad of gristly meat that you chew and chew and eventually spit out and would you really want to put it back in your mouth yet again?
Anyway, we went from our mutual purgatory hook up to getting back together. That should be the making for a lovely story to tell your grandchildren (well not the meat part) but once I was released from purgatory and back to my senses, I realized that my actions could be classified as duress from my stay in the dating semi-netherworld. It took me a few weeks to address the situation with him and in the meantime we also learned that he had fathered a child with his ex-girlfriend's best friend (who apparently thought that her boyfriend was the father until he failed a paternity test)....who he had an affair with (while still with the ex-girlfriend)....after he had convinced the ex-girlfriend to have an abortion when she had unexpectedly gotten pregnant. Now I was having images of gristly meat and Jerry Springer. Not good.
I think the moral of this story is that it's best to do whatever is necessary to entertain yourself while in purgatory other than chewing on cold, gristly meat.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Day Twenty Four-How Do You Meet Someone?
Friend: I don't know about this online dating thing.....don't you ever meet people in real time?
Me: Like where?
Friend: I dunno.....how about when you go up Koko Crater?
Me: Ummmm.....yeah, there are a LOT of guys on the mountain but I think it's become a gay pick-up spot. Besides, have you seen what I look like going up the mountain?? Sweat is flying...I can barely talk...I'm all flushed (and not in a good way). Although.....I did meet my brother's married friend on the hill.....
Friend: How about at the beach?
Me: I did meet a guy in Speedos who asked me to put lotion on his back and another guy (not in Speedos, but in tie-dye) who bore an uncanny resemblance to a less attractive version of David Crosby.
Friend: Through mutual friends?
Me: Well......my friend wants to introduce me to a friend of hers but she described him as kinda slow (which also makes me wonder what my friends think of me).
Friend: Yeah..........you're screwed.
Me: Thanks. Ummm........you might want to use a more appropriate word...just sayin'........
Me: Like where?
Friend: I dunno.....how about when you go up Koko Crater?
Me: Ummmm.....yeah, there are a LOT of guys on the mountain but I think it's become a gay pick-up spot. Besides, have you seen what I look like going up the mountain?? Sweat is flying...I can barely talk...I'm all flushed (and not in a good way). Although.....I did meet my brother's married friend on the hill.....
Friend: How about at the beach?
Me: I did meet a guy in Speedos who asked me to put lotion on his back and another guy (not in Speedos, but in tie-dye) who bore an uncanny resemblance to a less attractive version of David Crosby.
Friend: Through mutual friends?
Me: Well......my friend wants to introduce me to a friend of hers but she described him as kinda slow (which also makes me wonder what my friends think of me).
Friend: Yeah..........you're screwed.
Me: Thanks. Ummm........you might want to use a more appropriate word...just sayin'........
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Day Twenty Three-Terminology
I'm not absolutely positive, but I am relatively sure, that the term "separated" when used in regards to your current relationship status actually means that you are in the process of ending your marriage. It does not simply mean that you are now located in a different vicinity from your spouse (ie: separated by a body of water). There seems to be a large proportion of transient workers in Hawaii (military, construction, rail) who are apparently lonely and would like female company. I think the general rule of thumb is:
A profile without any photograph, the term "separated", and the notation that the person is new to the island might possibly merit a red flag.
"Separated" has all sorts of negative connotations, doesn't it? For instance, why is it that you're separated and not divorced? And how long have you been separated? If it hasn't been very long there is the whole issue of rebounding, and if it has been very long...well....we're back to the first question. It's a bit of a tricky designation. As is "Never Married". I've never been married and I'm 46. I considered fibbing and saying that I was "Divorced" because honestly...I would be wondering why someone is 46 and has never been married. Is it that they just never met the right person? Are they a pain in the a** that no one wants to marry? Is it a religious thing? Are they trying to protect the fortune that they have stashed away? Or do they just not believe in marriage? In which case, do they also not believe in monogamy?
And why is it that "Never Married" when pertaining to a man is deemed rather cool and independent but when pertaining to a woman conjures up images of 14 nappy cats and a housecoat?
A profile without any photograph, the term "separated", and the notation that the person is new to the island might possibly merit a red flag.
"Separated" has all sorts of negative connotations, doesn't it? For instance, why is it that you're separated and not divorced? And how long have you been separated? If it hasn't been very long there is the whole issue of rebounding, and if it has been very long...well....we're back to the first question. It's a bit of a tricky designation. As is "Never Married". I've never been married and I'm 46. I considered fibbing and saying that I was "Divorced" because honestly...I would be wondering why someone is 46 and has never been married. Is it that they just never met the right person? Are they a pain in the a** that no one wants to marry? Is it a religious thing? Are they trying to protect the fortune that they have stashed away? Or do they just not believe in marriage? In which case, do they also not believe in monogamy?
And why is it that "Never Married" when pertaining to a man is deemed rather cool and independent but when pertaining to a woman conjures up images of 14 nappy cats and a housecoat?
Monday, February 6, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Day Twenty Two-Good Morning
I woke up to this email:
Can you speak any other languages? It's really hot when Asian (he actually wrote "oriental") girls speak other languages.
My response:
I have a working knowledge of pidgin and I'm reasonably fluent in smart-ass. Does that count?
Seriously???
Can you speak any other languages? It's really hot when Asian (he actually wrote "oriental") girls speak other languages.
My response:
I have a working knowledge of pidgin and I'm reasonably fluent in smart-ass. Does that count?
Seriously???
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
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