I have a male friend who is the stereotypical "confirmed bachelor". No, not confirmed bachelor as in he is asexual, but confirmed bachelor as in he has just never wanted to be in a committed relationship. He's an intelligent, witty, attractive guy with a good career and income, so needless to say, he doesn't have any trouble with dating. We would at times discuss his current partner and for the most part they were all the female version of him.....intelligent, witty, attractive women. So one day I asked him why he never got serious with any of them.
He said he just never felt the need to be in that deep of a relationship. He didn't want children....he appreciated his time to himself....and he didn't see how taking that next step with someone would enhance his life in any way. Hmmmmm.......I had to ponder that one for a while. Why do we get into relationships??? I always assumed that it is basic human nature. We want to connect with someone...form bonds...romanticize the notion of a partnership. But is it imperative to living a full life? For him it wasn't. I always compared the depth of exchange involved with dating as opposed to a committed relationship to be that of getting a really cool toy but if you're only dating you're not allowed to take it out of the box. It's there and it's great and even fun in it's own way, but I would much rather take it out and play with it....check out every little detail....maybe take it apart and attempt to put it back together.....no matter how great the toy was, if I couldn't bond with it and know it's hidden secrets there was some facet missing.
And then it happened. One day we attended the same wedding and there he was with a date....except she wasn't just a date...she was his girlfriend! At least that's how he introduced her. So of course, a couple days later I had to get the details. He said it was like one day he woke up and his light was on. I had mentioned to him an episode of Sex and the City where they compared single men to cabs. A cab (man) can be driving round and round picking up and dropping off countless fares (women) and if you happen to be the next woman who gets in just when he turns his light on then you will be the "relationship fare". It doesn't matter how great the woman is....if the light is not on then he is just not ready for that particular fare. It's all a matter of timing and chance.
I asked him if she was in any way different from all the previous non-relationship women and really.......she wasn't. Yes, she was intelligent, witty, and attractive but so were many of the others. I always assumed that if I was dating someone and they drove off at that deciding point in time then it was something to do with me (doesn't everyone think that?). Are men and women THAT different? It can't ALL be about timing? There has to be more to it than that. He insisted that was it.....his light came on and she got in and now they're married.
Maybe even those decisions that we think we have come up with on our own are really subject to chance. Maybe if you met someone 59 days ago things would be completely different? What about 174 days ago? Or what about that day your phone died so you couldn't receive any messages? Or perhaps if you didn't have that particular conversation? Or if you chose to wear a red shirt on Friday? Or that you just decided to respond to an email because they used the word "eclectic"? Maybe there is something to all those seemingly random choices that we make......it's just that we never get to view the alternate Universe where all the other possibilities take place.
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