crazy

I like to refer to my disorder as my "crazy".  I do realize that's not a particularly politically correct term but it works for me.  I treat it as another entity......sort of like my imaginary frenemy.  For much of my life, my crazy and I were in constant battle for domination but in recent years, we've reached a peaceful truce for control.  Maybe we're both just getting old and tired of fighting.
I bring this up because, like you, I'm often rather frightened by the "crazy" lady walking down the street, pushing her doll in a baby carriage, while cussing and occasionally screaming to herself or the world.  But really.....the difference between that lady and myself is minimal at best.  We both (one would assume) have some type of biological imbalance and were it not for the love and support of my family, most especially my mom, I could have easily gone in her direction.  Just because we each have our "crazy" doesn't mean that she (or others like her) won't scare me but I probably do view her in a slightly more empathetic way than others might.
We are all just one biological malfunction away from illness.....whether it be psychiatric or physiological.  No one chooses to have their "crazy".  For a long time, I was under the misconception that I should somehow be able to shake myself out of it......that it was a sort of mental weakness on my part.  It's difficult enough to navigate through the myriad of twists and turns associated with bipolar disorder and to do so weighed down by guilt and embarrassment can be completely self-defeating.  To this day I still lie when I fill out those personal history forms at the doctor's office.  No.  No history of psychiatric treatment.  Nope.  In my defense, I'm not on any medication any longer so there is no danger of conflicting pharmaceuticals and on the rare occasion when I might need to take medication, I do always note the possible side effects.  Maybe one day I won't feel the need to lie and hide.  I have finally stopped doing it in my personal life so there is always hope.
There is a John Prine song about aging called "Hello In There".  It makes me think about anyone who is somehow trapped.....either inside a body or inside a mind.
"So if you're walking down the street sometime
And spot some hollow ancient eyes,
Please don't just pass 'em by and stare
As if you didn't care, say, 'Hello in there, hello'"

I'm back......

I'm considering resurrecting the blog but there's the issue of subject matter.  I (thankfully for me) no longer have dating mis-adventures to share and (thankfully for my sweetie) I do have a minute amount of discretion that would prevent me from crossing the TMI line regarding our relationship.

The other option involves my bipolar condition.  Since I have become much more open about my disorder, I have met other people sailing in similar boats and that has been an invaluable source of humor and wisdom for me.  It's not a funny condition to be in but I do know that as long as I can still laugh (even if it's a dark, warped, twisted laugh), I'm doing just fine.

So back to the relationship part.  This is the first time that I've ever been in a long distance relationship..........although....when I lived in Long Beach, I did date someone who lived in East LA which really should constitute a long distance relationship in more ways than just miles.

The upside to being in a long distance relationship:

1.  You don't need to shave all the time.

2.  If you're one of those get-in-trouble-for-shopping-all-the-timers, you could easily get away with buying new things because your partner never really sees your closet.

3.  If you get a bad haircut/color, it'll be kinda grown out by the next time that you see them.

4.  You have a lot more Pinterest time.

5.  You never really fight........well, unless you count the times when your boyfriend refuses your Words With Friends request for a rematch.

6.  There's no need to be embarrassed if you're having intestinal issues one day.

7.  You appreciate your time together much more.

The downside to being in a long distance relationship:

1.  Is it "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "Out of sight, out of mind"?

2.  Those days when you just need a hug.

3.  Your "Contact in case of emergency" would need to catch a plane before they could be there.

4.  You can't take your cute shoes with you in the interest of packing space in your carry-on.

5.  No one to stop you from breaking something in the process of trying to "fix" it.

6.  Also no one to kill large, creepy bugs.

7.  But most of all, not being with your favorite person in the world.

Day Fifty Six - For Scott

I had a very dear friend who would have been 41 today.  He was still in his 20's when I first met him and a few years later he was diagnosed with a form of muscular dystrophy.  Most of you will have never met him or know anything about him that would differentiate him from anyone else in the world.....and really, nothing that I write could possibly convey how very special Scott was.  I'm writing this for me...because unfortunately, I never did have the opportunity to express these thoughts to him......no, that's not correct.  I DID have opportunity (lots of opportunities) but as happens in life, I never took full advantage of them.
Scott was the younger sibling that I never had....small in stature but NOTHING about Scott was small.  He dreamed big...he had passion for a number of things...he followed his heart even when everyone around him was skeptical...he loved big...really big.  He was the exception to the rule that men and women can't be close, platonic friends.  We discussed all sorts of intimate personal tidbits but it never was uncomfortable.....well.......maybe for Scott at times, but if it was he never showed it.
I could go on and on about my memories of him but the one really profound impact that he left on me is to embrace who you are....all of your idiosyncrasies...your good, your bad...your flaws, your charms...even your conditions that can, at times, make others uncomfortable.  There are certain things that you just don't have the power to change....he had muscular dystrophy....I have bipolar disorder....we both learned to adapt to our situations (he with much more grace than I)....and I learned from Scott to not be ashamed of who I am. Most people will accept you for who you are and not what you have...and the rest.......well really...it's just too bad for them that they will never know just what they're missing.

Day Fifty Five - Is It Really Greener or Just a Different Shade of Green?

A while back I got involved with a fellow who most of my friends were a bit surprised to see me with.  He was a relatively conservative person (in appearance and philosophy) and a bit reserved.....kind of your stereotypical nerdy guy.  I, on the other hand, am none of the above (definitely geeky but not smart enough to be nerdy), hence the general surprise.  We got along well and things seemed to be flowing smoothly.......until one day he dumped me.  At the time he chalked it up to "not being ready for a serious relationship".
Then about 6-7 months down the road I received a voicemail from him wanting to get together.  After breaking up, we really had no contact whatsoever so this was yet another surprise but I figured that perhaps with the passage of time, he might be hoping that we could now be platonic friends.  Wrong conclusion.  Turns out that he apparently had a change of heart....but not for the reasons that you might be thinking.
Basically he said that he had never really dated much and when we got involved a lot of his friends were surprised when they met me.  So that got him thinking that since I was interested in him....who else might be interested in him?  Suddenly he felt like his door to the world of women had been flung wide open and there were all these potential possibilities awaiting him.  So he dumped me.
I do have to give him credit for disclosing that rather unsavory explanation to me.....it didn't really paint a lovely portrait of himself and it also didn't in any way get me to go out with him again but still it was a nice gesture.  It did also lead me to mull over that particular concept because it does seem like the grass is always greener over there to some people.  Why is that?  Instead of feeling like the luckiest person on the planet, why do some people only think that perhaps they could be even luckier with someone else?
I recently read an article about whether or not men know when they are in love.  The majority of respondents fell into the category of "Yes.....but usually only when under threat of break-up or after the actual break-up". In the same sort of ambivalent vein.....in the last few weeks I've received messages from three fellows who I dated at one time (why do things happen in threes?).  I haven't seen any of the three in many months....perhaps over a year.  Two were "I miss you....can I see you?" messages and the third remains a mystery.  I know what you're thinking. Booty call attempt.  Yeah, that's what I was thinking too and really now....are they thinking:
1.  Oh yeah....I was THAT great that she'll definitely want to hook up with me again.
2.  I'm THAT desperate....let me go down my entire phone list and see who says yes.
3.  She DID have a bad memory.
This all makes me think of that Groucho Marx quote of not wanting to belong to a club that would accept me for a member.  Is that what it is? If someone wants to buy my car for $1000 then maybe someone else will give me $1500?  I think it might be a sign that I was never very good at driving in reverse.

Today's Song in my Head: Corinne Bailey Rae - "Like A Star" (New Version)

Day Fifty Four - Really??

An actual email that I received this morning:
"I love your look especially your beatiful tattooes.  You look very sophisticated and sexy. At your convience please call me at ***-**** and lets have a casual drinks and just hang out.  no strings attached.  Aloha....."
1.  I have this compulsion to correct all his spelling and grammatical errors and return his email.
2.  "tattooes"......is that like the whole potatoe debacle?
3.  And most importantly............seriously?!?!

Today's Song in my Head: Des'ree - "I'm Kissing You"