A while back, a co-worker and I were talking about how our initial impressions of people can change drastically once we really get to know them. People are so rarely what they seem based on their "public persona". While I don't have any reservations about sharing my dirty laundry over the internet (although I probably really should); it does give me pause to think that people may think that they know me based on random light musings of my personal life. Someone recently made a comment towards my flippancy...nothing is ever as simple as it may seem.....
I have had two black eyes in my life...one from an avocado (yes, really) and one from an ex with a lousy temper (and a rather weak right jab); I have dealt with a medical disorder for most of my life which has landed me in the emergency room on two occasions and for a period of time, caused a seemingly endless series of trials and tribulations (some bordering on amusing, many others not so much); I was robbed at knife point (so don't ever think it would be cute to startle me from behind); I've been run into three times (in my car by other cars); my house has been burglarized (I really have very little of monetary value so what I lost was priceless); my cars have been broken into and stolen; and I've been lied to, cheated on, and stolen from by people who I entrusted with my faith, heart, and possessions.
Everyone has their story...their demons...their hurdles to jump over or sometimes run into or sometimes trip over headfirst. Some people choose to turn their story into a drama...some into an adventure...I prefer to turn mine into an offbeat comedy. The one constant I have found is that if I can still find some humor...no matter how dark, warped, even slightly disturbing...then I am still finding a reason to continue creating my story and that will always be a good thing.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Day Thirteen-Probation
I believe the Universal Dating Rule is that there is a probationary period (like with a new job). It varies slightly from person to person but what I'm lead to understand is that the first few dates (let's say, less than six) is the Acute Probationary Period. At this time either party can simply disappear (not return calls, text, emails) for any reason and none need be provided (unless you choose to). Is there any good way to be told that you're just not someone's cup of tea? I'm thinking no......not so much.
If you make it past the Acute Probationary Period you then enter into the Regular Probationary Period (let's say, three months). During this time it is required (and in good taste) to provide a reason for dismissal...documentation, while it could substantiate a case, is not needed and could actually lead to further discussion which is not always a good thing at this point.
A number of years back I dated Boeing Guy. We went out for oh....about 4-5 dates...we spoke often on the phone...things were looking good. During one of our phone calls he mentioned that he once went out with a woman for about two months and things were going really well and then POOF...she vanished. No returned calls...no explanation...never saw her again. It baffled him, but whatcha gonna do? Well, about a week after this story POOF...he vanished. No returned call...no explanation...never saw him again. I came to the conclusion that they were both abducted by the same strain of aliens and were now being subjected to various, unspeakable experiments, but hey! at least he knows what happened to her now.
I've been cut from the roster and sent back down to the minor leagues during Acute Probationary Period countless times...some were totally expected and actually appreciated...and some were surprising and have lead me to making up various stories to explain the disappearance: (the preceding alien abduction story), the disfiguring car accident and now hiding from the world story, the head trauma and subsequent amnesia story (without the part where Sandra Bullock makes up a story that she's your fiance), the witness protection story, and the got drunk and married in Vegas over the weekend story. I have a few more specific to the individual (and am constantly creating new ones on an as needed basis). In any case, the stories are simply to distract from what could otherwise be a bit of a self-esteem shrinker....although...as I've gotten older (and dated more...and more...and more...) I've learned to keep my perspective. In the same way that not every guy out there is the right guy for me specifically (even as much as he could be a fantastic, wonderful human being)...I can't be the right woman for every guy that I might be interested in. That's the big catch isn't it? Sometimes it's all a matter of millimeters and nanoseconds with a bit of serendipity.
If you make it past the Acute Probationary Period you then enter into the Regular Probationary Period (let's say, three months). During this time it is required (and in good taste) to provide a reason for dismissal...documentation, while it could substantiate a case, is not needed and could actually lead to further discussion which is not always a good thing at this point.
A number of years back I dated Boeing Guy. We went out for oh....about 4-5 dates...we spoke often on the phone...things were looking good. During one of our phone calls he mentioned that he once went out with a woman for about two months and things were going really well and then POOF...she vanished. No returned calls...no explanation...never saw her again. It baffled him, but whatcha gonna do? Well, about a week after this story POOF...he vanished. No returned call...no explanation...never saw him again. I came to the conclusion that they were both abducted by the same strain of aliens and were now being subjected to various, unspeakable experiments, but hey! at least he knows what happened to her now.
I've been cut from the roster and sent back down to the minor leagues during Acute Probationary Period countless times...some were totally expected and actually appreciated...and some were surprising and have lead me to making up various stories to explain the disappearance: (the preceding alien abduction story), the disfiguring car accident and now hiding from the world story, the head trauma and subsequent amnesia story (without the part where Sandra Bullock makes up a story that she's your fiance), the witness protection story, and the got drunk and married in Vegas over the weekend story. I have a few more specific to the individual (and am constantly creating new ones on an as needed basis). In any case, the stories are simply to distract from what could otherwise be a bit of a self-esteem shrinker....although...as I've gotten older (and dated more...and more...and more...) I've learned to keep my perspective. In the same way that not every guy out there is the right guy for me specifically (even as much as he could be a fantastic, wonderful human being)...I can't be the right woman for every guy that I might be interested in. That's the big catch isn't it? Sometimes it's all a matter of millimeters and nanoseconds with a bit of serendipity.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Day Twelve-Food for Thought?
I just read this in an article:
"When someone is available and decent something inside of us knows (this person) can get to our nest, our soul - the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our unconscious gets panicked. If you find yourself breaking up with someone awesome for no good reason, check yourself; you might be acting out of fear. After all, real love is a big deal. It involves a leap of faith, and that can be a scary thing. Those who give in to the Wave fall out of love before they even give themselves a chance to fall properly in love, and that's kind of sad."
Or then again, maybe you're just not really into them.
"When someone is available and decent something inside of us knows (this person) can get to our nest, our soul - the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our unconscious gets panicked. If you find yourself breaking up with someone awesome for no good reason, check yourself; you might be acting out of fear. After all, real love is a big deal. It involves a leap of faith, and that can be a scary thing. Those who give in to the Wave fall out of love before they even give themselves a chance to fall properly in love, and that's kind of sad."
Or then again, maybe you're just not really into them.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Day Eleven-Try, Try Again
I am an optimistic person by nature (I seriously made plans for the money that I would be winning every time I bought a lotto ticket); however, after 193 first dates and 3 second dates, I am beginning to lose my natural excitement for meeting people.
A little while back I was to meet someone outside of a restaurant/bar. I pulled into the parking lot and noticed a guy standing outside. He didn't notice me (he was on his cell) and as I circled the full parking lot I got a quick glance at him and realized (with a tiny bit of shock) that he was the person that I was meeting.......except that he looked about 15 years older than his photographs. I exited the parking lot, and no, I didn't drive off (although I would be lying if I didn't say that the thought briefly crossed my mind)...made a loop around the block and gave the parking lot (and the date) a second chance. On this second passing he saw me and waved (and there also happened to be open parking) so running away was no longer an option.
Up close I realized that I was mistaken......he actually looked about 20 years older than his pictures. I dunno if they were old shots or if he was the incarnation of Dorian Gray and someone had recently destroyed the original painting, but it wasn't pretty. Anyway, I tried to focus on the conversation but even that didn't go well....he talked about his previous million dollar business...his expensive homes...his athletic prowess. If I wasn't attracted to him before, I definitely wasn't now.
Everyone reminds me to have an exit strategy for dates that aren't going well. I always forget......or maybe I really am still a hopeless optimist after all.
A little while back I was to meet someone outside of a restaurant/bar. I pulled into the parking lot and noticed a guy standing outside. He didn't notice me (he was on his cell) and as I circled the full parking lot I got a quick glance at him and realized (with a tiny bit of shock) that he was the person that I was meeting.......except that he looked about 15 years older than his photographs. I exited the parking lot, and no, I didn't drive off (although I would be lying if I didn't say that the thought briefly crossed my mind)...made a loop around the block and gave the parking lot (and the date) a second chance. On this second passing he saw me and waved (and there also happened to be open parking) so running away was no longer an option.
Up close I realized that I was mistaken......he actually looked about 20 years older than his pictures. I dunno if they were old shots or if he was the incarnation of Dorian Gray and someone had recently destroyed the original painting, but it wasn't pretty. Anyway, I tried to focus on the conversation but even that didn't go well....he talked about his previous million dollar business...his expensive homes...his athletic prowess. If I wasn't attracted to him before, I definitely wasn't now.
Everyone reminds me to have an exit strategy for dates that aren't going well. I always forget......or maybe I really am still a hopeless optimist after all.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Day Ten-Age
I have been receiving a lot of emails from men over 60. I never used to. I'm not sure if I should be insulted or just be thankful that I'm getting any emails. I'll be the first to say that you can't judge a person strictly by their chronological age, in the same way that you can't accurately deduce what a person is like strictly by their appearance; however, it does give me pause for thought when you're closer in age to my mom than to me.
"I seem much younger than my age." Really? Do you seem 20 years younger than your age because you're 66 and I'm 46 (and a relatively immature 46 at that)? Really??
For a long time I seemed to always end up with partners younger than me. Then I hit 46 and suddenly I'm a hit with the geriatric crowd. I'm still trying to process this one.
I can't help but think......when I'm your age, you'll be................dead.
"I seem much younger than my age." Really? Do you seem 20 years younger than your age because you're 66 and I'm 46 (and a relatively immature 46 at that)? Really??
For a long time I seemed to always end up with partners younger than me. Then I hit 46 and suddenly I'm a hit with the geriatric crowd. I'm still trying to process this one.
I can't help but think......when I'm your age, you'll be................dead.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Day Nine-Who Are You?
I was thinking that it might be a good thing if online dating profiles were created by friends of the potential dater rather than the dater themself. For instance, I wrote myself a profile that sounds a bit odd...quirky...funny because that's pretty much how I view myself. My friends may have a different opinion. I've already been told that I need to take down some of the pictures that I posted because they're not particularly flattering (I thought they were just fine) and that perhaps I should tone down the quirky factor so as to actually attract men (I was attempting to immediately filter out the ones with no sense of humor). A friend pointed out that sometimes you need to gently ease people into your life rather than smacking them on the side of the head. Apparently I'm an expert smacker.
Men, in general, don't write a whole lot in their profile. You're lucky if you get 3 complete sentences. You're really lucky if you get something more than "I enjoy doing fun stuff. I like to eat good food. I don't like drama." I guess they're just banking on their good looks which is even more baffling when there is no picture to support any type of look. They usually close with "I'm not good at talking about myself." Is that because you're not good at talking about any subject in general? Or is it because you haven't figured out just who you are yet? Or is it just due to a lack of writing skills? Hence the suggestion of having a friend compose something slightly personalized.
I went out with Reasonably Tall Guy who stood about six feet (at least that's what his profile said). While we were having a drink and talking about family, he mentioned how he was the lucky one out of his brothers because he was the only one with all his hair. Sure enough, he had a full head of hair......well........until I went to the restroom and on my return came walking up behind him. There it was. The strangest little bald spot on the back of his head. There's no way I would have seen it otherwise because he's a good ten inches taller than me and it was sorta atop his head....almost like a very little hat. I almost stopped and said he had something in his hair but caught myself just in time. Poor guy. One day I'm sure someone will mention it to him when he tells that story once again. (By the way, the bald spot had nothing to do with why I didn't go out with him again).
Are we really incapable of providing an accurate description of ourselves? And if we can't even do that much, how are we supposed to accurately describe who we are looking for?
Men, in general, don't write a whole lot in their profile. You're lucky if you get 3 complete sentences. You're really lucky if you get something more than "I enjoy doing fun stuff. I like to eat good food. I don't like drama." I guess they're just banking on their good looks which is even more baffling when there is no picture to support any type of look. They usually close with "I'm not good at talking about myself." Is that because you're not good at talking about any subject in general? Or is it because you haven't figured out just who you are yet? Or is it just due to a lack of writing skills? Hence the suggestion of having a friend compose something slightly personalized.
I went out with Reasonably Tall Guy who stood about six feet (at least that's what his profile said). While we were having a drink and talking about family, he mentioned how he was the lucky one out of his brothers because he was the only one with all his hair. Sure enough, he had a full head of hair......well........until I went to the restroom and on my return came walking up behind him. There it was. The strangest little bald spot on the back of his head. There's no way I would have seen it otherwise because he's a good ten inches taller than me and it was sorta atop his head....almost like a very little hat. I almost stopped and said he had something in his hair but caught myself just in time. Poor guy. One day I'm sure someone will mention it to him when he tells that story once again. (By the way, the bald spot had nothing to do with why I didn't go out with him again).
Are we really incapable of providing an accurate description of ourselves? And if we can't even do that much, how are we supposed to accurately describe who we are looking for?
Monday, January 2, 2012
Day Eight-Ghost of the Past
There is something so lovely and optimistic about new beginnings....well, at least for me. And luckily, due to my pathetic memory, life is just full of new beginnings without much carryover from previous experiences. Unfortunately, my pathetic memory can also cause me to make the same or similar mistakes more than once.
I first did the online thing shortly after my previous boyfriend and I broke up. Usually I'll get a tattoo as my gesture towards closure and moving on to a new phase of my life. This time, I think because I was a bit downtrodden and hurt (he had made his own gesture towards closure and moving on by actually moving on with another woman before we broke up) I decided to take my issues out to the dating world.
I started emailing with this really nice guy, Agent J, and I soon found out that one of his hobbies was riding unicycles. Unicycles? Who rides unicycles? Well apparently Agent J and also the ex. They also shared a few other similarities (which of course I can't recall at this point) but unicycles? Really? So now I'm thinking that this must be a sign......I have no idea what it's a sign of or if it's good? bad? a warning? just weird coincidence? So I stop communicating with him (I know what you're thinking....lucky for him).
Well, many months later I notice that he is back online. I email him to apologize for blowing him off because at this point I'm under the impression that I'm not so much of a mess as I was earlier. We end up talking on the phone and all seems well and we actually agree to meet for dinner. I have since decided that you should NEVER meet for dinner from an online dating site........drinks...coffee (for those non-drinkers of which there seems to be quite a few now)...something that could be expedited if needed. Anyway needless to say that dinner kinda fell flat because the poor guy (once again) just kept reminding me of the ex. And before you think that I haven't come to terms with the break up, no one else has ever reminded me of the ex.....just Agent J. So maybe it was some sort of kismet that we meet.....although I am still unsure why. Perhaps it was to remind me not to revisit the past. Let the past mistakes go...let the past hurt and deceit go...let the nice guy who you blew off once go...sometimes life affords you second chances and sometimes you just really need to let go and embrace your new beginnings.
I first did the online thing shortly after my previous boyfriend and I broke up. Usually I'll get a tattoo as my gesture towards closure and moving on to a new phase of my life. This time, I think because I was a bit downtrodden and hurt (he had made his own gesture towards closure and moving on by actually moving on with another woman before we broke up) I decided to take my issues out to the dating world.
I started emailing with this really nice guy, Agent J, and I soon found out that one of his hobbies was riding unicycles. Unicycles? Who rides unicycles? Well apparently Agent J and also the ex. They also shared a few other similarities (which of course I can't recall at this point) but unicycles? Really? So now I'm thinking that this must be a sign......I have no idea what it's a sign of or if it's good? bad? a warning? just weird coincidence? So I stop communicating with him (I know what you're thinking....lucky for him).
Well, many months later I notice that he is back online. I email him to apologize for blowing him off because at this point I'm under the impression that I'm not so much of a mess as I was earlier. We end up talking on the phone and all seems well and we actually agree to meet for dinner. I have since decided that you should NEVER meet for dinner from an online dating site........drinks...coffee (for those non-drinkers of which there seems to be quite a few now)...something that could be expedited if needed. Anyway needless to say that dinner kinda fell flat because the poor guy (once again) just kept reminding me of the ex. And before you think that I haven't come to terms with the break up, no one else has ever reminded me of the ex.....just Agent J. So maybe it was some sort of kismet that we meet.....although I am still unsure why. Perhaps it was to remind me not to revisit the past. Let the past mistakes go...let the past hurt and deceit go...let the nice guy who you blew off once go...sometimes life affords you second chances and sometimes you just really need to let go and embrace your new beginnings.
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