Day Twenty-On Another Slightly Serious Note

I have bipolar disorder.  I believe that I've had it for my entire life, but it was officially diagnosed while in my 20's (when it was still referred to as manic/depression).  I wasn't planning on mentioning my condition in this blog, but it does seem to make a guest starring cameo appearance in my life from time to time and has really shaped the person who I've become. I also had a very dear friend who had a form of muscular dystrophy.  At the point when his illness kept him housebound for the majority of the time, I suggested that he pen a blog.  My argument was that if he could reach one other person, who now would feel that they were not alone in their situation, then it somehow gave reason to his physical state.  I think that rationale was really more for me than for him.
For clarification, bipolar disorder is not your co-worker/husband/girlfriend who one minute is cheerful and the next is chewing the paint off the walls.  I believe the clinical term for that condition is "moody bastard".  I can't speak for everyone who is bipolar because the disorder can manifest itself very differently in each person.  In general, I can have anywhere from three to eight "cycles" in a year.  A cycle consists of the euphoria of a manic episode followed by the downward spiral of a depressive episode.  The entire cycle usually lasts a few weeks.  And once again, the emotions involved in either cycle are not your average run of the mill happy and sad...the happy will make me feel omnipotent...indestructible, and the sad will make me want to completely disappear.  I've attempted disappearing twice in my life.  When my symptoms were at their worst, I recall laying in bed and calmly trying to decide if I should get up and have breakfast or kill myself.  That's it in a very small, condensed, simplified nutshell.
I have chosen to be off medication for much of my life.  Again, I can't recommend that to anyone...it can be difficult...dangerous...disastrous at times.  For the most part, as I've gotten older, my symptoms are much less severe, I've become much quicker at recognizing warning signs, and I've also become much more adept at figuring out how to keep my balance.  My current biggest challenge is that I really don't sleep much.
I kinda view my disorder as walking a tight rope.  At first it...I...was a mess.  I was constantly falling to one side or the other...rarely ever staying on the rope.  As time went on and I practiced my balancing act, I became much more skilled at staying on the rope.  At this point in my life I manage to spend the majority of my time on the rope...reasonably well balanced, but I still need to be aware of gusts of wind that can throw my balance off...people who get on the rope with me and either assist my walk or wreak havoc...and times when I just get weary and lose my focus.
I have only recently begun to talk about my condition (even to very close friends).  I'm sure part of the reason is that I've learned to manage it so that it doesn't pose as much of a threat to me as it used to.  Of course, the main reason NOT to reveal my situation is that this is a psychiatric, medical diagnosis. You can tell people...even strangers...that you have a medical condition (diabetes, heart condition, cancer, etc) and they will generally be understanding, maybe sympathetic; however, tell anyone that you have a psychiatric disorder and you probably won't see them again.  And I do mean that both in the dating world and in the social world in general.  Someone once said to me "How do I know that you won't have a serious relapse one day?"....well how do I know that you won't have a heart attack?  or cancer?  or get hit by an MTS bus?  or run off with a 24-year old?  There are no guarantees in life........for anyone. I can't guarantee that all hell will never, ever break lose again...but I do know that I treasure even the littlest things...the simplest kind gestures...the wonderful people who enter into my life...possibly more than the average person because I know how extremely precarious life can really be.
Brings a whole new meaning to the name of my blog now huh?

Today's Song in my Head: Tricky - "Overcome"

Day Nineteen-First Date

Potentially bad first date ideas that actually turned out okay:
1.  Brought his little daughter with him.  Seemed like a bad idea but she was so sweet and adorable that it turned out she was the best part of the date.
2.  Motorcycle ride.  It seemed a bit too intimate for a first date but we had a great time and I found out that I have a love for riding bikes.
3.  Christmas shopping.  We had made a date for lunch but that morning he found out that a gift he ordered would not be arriving in time for Christmas and he had to hit the mall.  Instead of canceling the date, we decided to make that our activity...keep in mind that I HATE shopping and even more so during the holiday season.  He had such a great attitude and sense of humor that it made even shopping enjoyable.
Potentially good first date ideas that actually went astray:
1.  Concert that was so loud that my ears were ringing for the entire following day.  I couldn't hear a word he said after the show and I'm pretty sure that some of my responses were totally inappropriate to what he was saying.
2.  Meeting up with some of his friends for drinks.  It turned out that they were at a strip club.
3.  Hiking.  He fell and scraped his knee and went from a charming, funny guy into the whiniest, poutiest, most ill-tempered first date ever.
Moral of the story:  
The activity is never as important as the company........unless it involves sticking dollar bills in half-naked womens' g-strings.

Today's Song in My Head: "Oh My God" (acoustic version) - Michael Franti

Day Eighteen-Is This a Silly Question?

A friend of mine recently commented on Tactic #1 in Chapter 2 of the Single Girls Handbook:  "In order to avoid the temptation to sleep with someone on the first date, DO NOT shave your legs and DO wear your rattiest pair of underroos."
This got me thinking...do men have a stand-by tactic to avoid sleeping with someone on the first date?  

Today's Song in my Head: "My Funny Valentine" - Chet Baker

Day Seventeen-Research

I'm a Googler.  If you give me your last name before we are to meet, I will DEFINITELY Google you and then some.  Usually there is really nothing scandalous to see; however, I did once cancel on someone partly based on what I discovered in my search.
One of the things that will usually pop up in a Google search is your Facebook profile.  Most people have their account "private" so there's not much to see...unless your Friends list is public.  I had agreed to meet Mr. M for drinks and he happily provided me with his last name for my Googling purposes.  As expected, only his Facebook came up and yes, it was private; however, his public Friends list was chock full of half-naked women.  If you have a Facebook, you've probably at some point or another been sent a Friend Request from a half-naked woman (often in another state or country).  I didn't think anyone actually accepted those requests, but apparently I was mistaken.  At least one third of his Friends were of that nature.
That in itself isn't why I canceled.  The day before we were to meet I spoke with him on the phone, during which time he mentioned that I should bring a swimsuit with me because he had a hot tub at his place. Really?!  Keep in mind that I've never met him in person and this is a first date.  Hot tub at your place. Seriously???  So now, armed with the half-naked women info and given this hot tub scenario, I decided that he's probably looking for a totally different type of "date"........